What If

Epilogue

On their 10th Years Anniversary Concert

Ilhoon's POV

He was my world.

Oh, he might still is.

But I guess I can't hold him anymore, since there's someone else that hold my hand now.

I should've been happy, right?

This man, who now is holding my hand tight while singing our encore song, has loved me all these years, unconditionally and without limit. He always by my side and tries his best to make me happy. I know I hurt him several times. I mean a lot. But he stays. He stays even though he knows I can't love him the way he loves me.

I should be happy.

I should.

But why does it feel so wrong?

And suddenly I feel like time moving so fast.

The confetti.

The stages light.

The slow blue ocean.

Everything moving so fast, too fast, till it makes me dizzy.

I take my ear monitor off cause my ears are buzzing. The voice that used to be the melody that I had been waiting for, in the past few years made my head hurt and spinning. This is the reason I can never stay on stage for too long. Everything is painful.

Too painful.

"Are you okay?" Hyunsik hyung asked me, while rubbing my back. "Does it happen again?"

I can only nod while my eyes caught my first love, my every first, entering the stage with his goofy act. He is busy joking around then start his show with Changsub Hyung as usual. He kisses his cheek, made Melody cheer happily.

Uh oh, I remember I used to be his favorite back then.

But, what can I do? Since I'm nothing to him now.

Everyone seems to be enjoying this moment. Every one. Except me.

Also, he seems enjoying his life now. He has a perfect career, more fans, lots of offers are coming, Yook Sungjae has become a big star. Like what he has always dreamed of.

No, I'm not jealous.

Only my heart feels a little pinched because I'm no longer a part of his life and happiness. Ironic, isn't it? I always felt that things were so much better when we were nothing. The bigger our name, the bigger the burden we bear. Also, the greater the sacrifice we have to make to keep every light on this stage on.

But at least Sungjae got what he always wanted.

Me? It's fine. Someday I will get used to it. I just need to endure it a little more, right?

Hyunsik hyung then let go of my hand because Eunkwang hyung called him. I can't help but feeling dazed and empty. Then, my eyes caught Sungjae's back who was now busy singing while waving at Melody.

Shit.

Everything then went so fast. I can't help it. I might regret this later. I might look stupid and pathetic. But I really can't hold it anymore.

Like two years ago, my feet just walked toward him.
Like two years ago, my hand touched his broad back.
Like two years ago, he looked at me in surprise.
Like two years ago, with my tiny hands, I hugged him tightly.

Damn, Jung Ilhoon. What are you doing? Where's your pride, huh?

Too late, Jung Ilhoon. Too late. You've taken a step you can't take back.

I can hear everyone scream hysterically. It must be one of the moments they've been waiting for after all this time we rarely interacted in front of fans. I can feel he froze for a moment, before finally raising his hands to hug me back.

Just like the last time, we said nothing. Just gently rubbing each other's back.

A little hug won't hurt, right?

It won't hurt.

It won't.

Fuck, it.... actually is.

I struggled to hold back my tears when I felt him tighten his hug and pat my back. So, before I created another drama, I let go of his arms and left, without looking back at him.

Is it possible that, somehow, he might miss me too?

No, Jung Ilhoon. Stop hoping. You've given him plenty of time and chance. If he still wanted you, he must have come back to you a long time ago.

I then walked towards Hyunsik hyung who was now welcoming me with open arms and smile. I know there is a hidden wound behind that smile. I know I shouldn't do whatever I just did. But just for once in my life, can I be selfish?

We then moved and held hands in the center of the stage. Hyunsik hyung took the position between me and Sungjae. Then, we bow to the audience.

The concert is over.

So do all the defenses and walls that I had tried to build for years. All are destroyed. Leaving uneasy feeling that somehow burned my chest.

In this moment, after ten years together, I only wish I could be brave enough to say.

Sungjae-ya, I just want you to comeback.