Castaways

Chapter 8

"[Y/N]..." he said very softly, sounding almost hurt. "And it was set to kill?"

"It was self defense," I said softly, trying to keep tears from coming out of my eyes. "I didn't want to."

"I... see." Julian gave me a doleful look. "This is going to be a difficult meeting for you."

"Did... did he die?" I asked softly. He met my eyes hesitantly.

"It wasn't said outright," Julian said, giving me the benefit of the doubt, but a dread unlike one I'd ever known dug deeper into my stomach. For god's sake—what had I done? "[Y/N], listen. I don't know Captain O'Connelly as well as you, but from her tone it sounded like she may want to pursue disciplinary action. Not just a slap on the wrist—serious action. She believes we broke the prime directive, and while I don't think she wants to charge you for murder, I have no doubt she does want you reprimanded for weapons misconduct resulting in accidental manslaughter."

"Julian..." I said softly, my voice getting higher as my throat began to feel like it was closing up. "I can't leave Starfleet. I can't go through a court martial right now. I can't—"

"Shh, it's okay," he said lowly, and pulled me into another hug. "No matter what happens, I'll support you. I want you to see me afterwards. I'll be in holodeck 3, okay?"

"Okay," I said softly, and even though it was difficult, I managed to pull away.

"I know... we'll need to talk about what's between us," Julian said, "but even if your feelings about me are different now, we've been friends for a long time, and I want you to know that I love you, okay?"

I smiled at that, my face still a little tear stained. He reached up to wipe at my cheek, just like he had time after time down on the planet.

"I don't say things like that easily," I admitted, "but... I love you too."

"All right," Julian said softly. "Go—I've held you up for too long."

"Thank you, Julian," I said, squeezing his hand before heading off towards the lift.

Talking to him made the rest of the walk a little bit easier. I was able to better ignore the faces, and while I was still afraid of what the Captain would say, I wasn't going to spend my energy over thinking it, and I certainly wasn't going to crumple when the time came to take it like an adult. Once the lift came to a halt and I found myself walking out onto the bridge, I ignored the way a hush came over the crew and I marched, almost confidently, towards the Captain's ready room.

Once I'd entered, O'Connelly's eyes lifted to meet mine from over a cup of tea. They were displeased, to say the least.

"Lieutenant," she said, curtly. I gave her a sharp nod.

"Captain," I replied. "I presume you've read my report? I don't believe I need to guess why I'm here."

"No," she said. "I'm not starting with your report, but that will come. Sit." She gestured coldly to the chair in front of her desk, and I followed her command, sitting in the chair. She took a moment to stare daggers at me through the steam of her tea, then she slowly placed it to the side.

"I have some news to tell you," she said calmly. Too calmly. "Your phaser discharge killed one of the Raveks."

"So... it did," I whispered hollowly. I felt sickened by the thought, but it was better to get it out in the open, I supposed.

"Oh yes," she continued, her voice biting. "Not necessarily because you set it to kill—though we know that you did, from the sheer energy level you discharged into the stream. But that blast disrupted the particle stream and completely warped his signature. We lost his pattern."