Some Things Never Change [SHAWN MENDES]

May 3, 2021

My mother also texted me a bunch of hospital documents that explained that the delivery of a deceased fetus prior to twenty weeks was technically a miscarriage instead of a stillbirth and required no death certificate or burial. I had no idea how to process this information. Was I supposed to be relieved that it hadn't happened a few days later, or did it minimize the loss to simply call it a miscarriage?

When we landed, a car was waiting to take us to Toronto General. We got to Ceci's floor, and I sprinted ahead of Andrew. My dad and Eric were sitting in a waiting area and they stood as I approached.

"I...I need to see her," I said frantically through my mask, which all visitors were required to wear in the hospital.

"Calm down, son," my dad soothed. "She's very distressed and it's not going to help if you bust in there like this. Take some deep breaths and get yourself under control."

Andrew caught up to us. "Have they said when she'll be discharged?" he asked.

Eric nodded. "Dr. Morton thinks she'll be able to go home tomorrow. There was some hemorrhaging after the delivery and they want to make sure that's not going to continue."

I leaned forward and put my hands on my knees as a wave of dizziness hit me. I hadn't slept and had hardly eaten in two days and it was catching up to me.

My dad took me by the arm to lead me over to the chairs.

"No!" I said, pulling away. "I'm fine. I need to see her now. I've waited too long already."

I proceeded to the room and slowly opened the door. Ceci was in a hospital bed with her eyes closed. My mum and Lisa were sitting in two chairs near the window. They both stood up and each gave me a long hug.

"We'll leave you alone. She'll probably wake up soon since she only sleeps for short periods," Lisa whispered.

They left and I lifted one of the chairs and brought it to the side of the bed, setting it down gently so it wouldn't wake her. I sat down and looked at Ceci. Her face was pale but also splotchy from crying. My eyes moved their gaze down her body. Her stomach still had the small bump that I'd caressed before leaving on tour. Seeing that made me burst into tears.

"You're here," her scratchy voice said, causing me to look away from the now-empty belly.

I grabbed Ceci's hand. "I'm sorry it took so long."

"I told your mom to tell you that you didn't have to come home."

"Of course I had to come," I said. "There's no way I wouldn't be with you right now."

Tears started streaming down her face. "Our baby is gone, Shawn."

"I know, honey."

"I...I had to deliver her, but I was so hysterical that they gave me something to make me sleep."

Her. Our baby had been a girl. Ceci was supposed to have the ultrasound to learn this in a few days.

"I should have been here," I said through my tears.

Ceci shook her head. "You had no way of knowing."

"As soon as I found out you were pregnant I should have canceled my tour to stay by your side."

"Even if you'd been here in Toronto, this still could have happened."

I started to choke on my sobs. Fuck. I wasn't being strong for her like I needed to be.

"I loved our baby, Ceci."

"I know you did."

I stayed with her until she fell asleep again, aided by some drug the nurse put in her IV. When Lisa and Eric came back in the room, I stepped out to the waiting room. My parents insisted that I get something to eat, so we went downstairs to the empty cafeteria and discussed my plans.

"I'm staying as long as she needs me," I stated.

"I need an idea of how long that will be," Andrew said. "We're going to have to cancel shows."

We'd already canceled the two that followed Berlin.

"I'll talk to Ceci and let you know as soon as I can, but I'm telling you now that if it will help her, I'm prepared to call off the rest of the European tour."

Andrew nodded, though I knew this was the last thing he wanted to hear.

After eating a turkey sandwich, I went back to Ceci's room so that I'd be there when she woke up. Her nurse wheeled in a reclining chair, a pillow, and a blanket so that I could get some sleep. When I awoke, it was dark outside and Ceci was sitting upright in bed looking at her phone.

"Hi," I said as I moved the chair into an upright position. "What are you doing?"

"I just texted my boss that I'd be back at work in two weeks. My parents told her I'd been in an accident, though she didn't know I was pregnant so that part was left out."

Ceci had somehow managed to conceal her bump under baggy sweaters and jackets, but we'd known that wouldn't last much longer. We had been preparing for her announcing her pregnancy, and not long after that it would have been revealed that I was the father. It was strange thinking that most of the people closest to us would never even know what we'd lost.

"Two weeks is too soon."

"I need to get back to my routine and Dr. Morton said I'd be fine by then. I just want to move on from this."

"I'll stay with you while you're recuperating," I told her.

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to. Even if she hadn't been my baby, I'd be here for you. You're my best friend."

"Thank you," she said quietly. "I really need a friend right now."