Save me

45

Octavia and Raven were in the kitchen, putting some chips in bowls and popping popcorn for their movie night when Lexa arrived home. “Look who’s here. Our lost son.” Octavia said and Lexa rolled her eyes while she walked to them and threw a chip in her mouth. “What’s up with people saying I’m a male today?” Lexa asked as she thought back of Murphy’s comment about her being a dude too. “Who else did?” Octavia asked and Lexa explained what Murphy had said. “So basically he asked you to ditch us and join the boys instead?” Raven asked and Lexa shrugged. “I don’t think I should be here tonight.” 
“Wait.” Octavia said. “You’re actually ditching our movie night for them?” 
“I’m not ditching anyone. It just doesn’t feel right to be here tonight. I feel like I’ll ruin the mood.” 
“Why would that be the case?” Octavia asked while she looked confused at Raven too to see what she thought of this and the confused look on her face confirmed that she thought the same like Octavia. “It’s always been you two and Clarke. I want you to have a night for the three of you together again.” Lexa said and it wasn’t a full lie. When they had first spoken of doing this movie night, the thought had crossed her mind too that she would feel like an intruder. And now with the drama happening between her and Clarke, she definitely felt like she shouldn’t be there. “That’s bullshit.” Raven said and Lexa knew that they wouldn’t let her go if that’s the only reason she said. “Believe me, I don’t think that tonight is the right night for me to be here.” Lexa said and the girls looked confused at her. “Clarke and I are having a sort of fight I guess. I feel like she’ll need you guys because I don’t think it will get fixed tonight.” 
“A fight about what?” Raven asked. “I guess she will tell you tonight. I will try to talk to her now and if it goes well I’ll stay for the movie night but if not then I’m  out of here with the boys. Wish me luck.” Lexa said with a sigh before she went upstairs. She had to mentally prepare herself before she knocked on the blonde’s door. “Come in.” She could hear Clarke say with a dead voice and Lexa opened the door. Clarke was sitting behind her desk, making homework and only looked shortly who had entered her room but when she saw it was Lexa, she turned around again and focused on her homework. “Can we maybe talk?” Lexa asked softly while Clarke  only had eyes for her books. “What is there left to say?” Clarke asked with again no emotion in her voice and Lexa already knew it was going to be a tough one. “My side of the story and not your assumptions.” Lexa said and Clarke laid her pen down on her desk while turning around, arms crossed over her body. “I’m listening.” She said. “You were right. Kissing Costia was one hell of a stupid mistake I made. And you were right about the waiting part too. Or I mean partly right. I said that I felt like I had to move on from you and yes that night and that moment I did feel like that and you know why? Because I hoped that you would have told me to not go on that date with Costia but you gave me no signs that you were against it. So I took that as sign that I had to move on. Because it felt like if I did hold on to you it would end up with me getting  hurt. It may sound selfish but I did it to protect myself. It was something that happened in the moment because I based it on how I felt at that time. But the truth is that I was still waiting and hoping, Clarke. I could never stop with that because you were all that’s on my mind and you still are.” Lexa explained and she looked with begging eyes at the blonde. “Did it work?” Clarke asked with a cracked voice and Lexa looked confused at her. “Did what work?” 
“The kiss with Costia? Did it work to get me off your mind?” 
“I was drunk, Clarke.” Lexa said and she started to get annoyed because Clarke didn’t react to her explanation. “What were you thinking of when you were kissing her? Because if it wasn’t me, then do you even really love me?” Clarke asked and Lexa scoffed. “I wasn’t thinking, Clarke. I obviously wasn’t because I kissed someone I didn’t want to kiss. I can’t give you an answer on that question because I simply don’t remember what was going on in  my head. Again, I was drunk.” 
“That’s just an excuse.” Clarke rolled with her eyes as she said it and Lexa shook her head while she laughed bitterly. “First it was the waiting that was a problem and now it’s what I thought that is? I don’t know what to do to satisfy you, Clarke.” Lexa said and the blonde didn’t say anything to that. She just stared at the ground.  “Look Murphy offered me to come with the boys tonight instead of this movie night. If you want me to stay then I’ll stay but if not then I’m going with him.” Lexa said and Clarke looked up to her. “I think you should go.” She said and Lexa nodded sadly. “If that’s what you want.” She said and with that she left the room.