Mga Tula ni Kaya

My Friend

Ang tulang ito ay isinulat ko noong mga panahong tuluyang naghiwalay ang landas namin ng aking best friend. Una kaming nagkahiwalay noong nasa ika-limang baitang sa elementarya at nagkitang muli pagtungtong namin sa sekondarya. Sa loob ng apat na taon, sinubukan kong gumawa ng paraan para mapalapit muli sa kaniya. Nagsusulat ako ng mga liham, sinusuportahan siya sa mga bagay na kaniyang ginagawa, pinipili siya kaysa sa mga bago kong kaibigan na minsan nagiging dahilan ng hindi pagkakaunawaan, at iba pang maliliit na bagay. Subalit may mga bagay talagang hindi na maibabalik kahit ano pa man ang ating gawin. Lumipas ang apat na taon na ganoon pa rin. Wala namang nangyari. Mula sa salita ng isang kaibigan noong 4th year kami: "Itigil mo na 'yan. Nagpapakatanga ka lang.". 

Sa karanasang ito ay binago ang pananaw ko sa pakikipagkaibigan. "Kung gusto nilang umalis, hindi ko sila pipigilan, hindi ko sila hahabulin." Lahat ng taong piniling manatili sa tabi ko sa kabila ng pagiging moody at kupal ay tunay kong pinahahalagahan. Mas sila ang kailangan kong bigyan ng pagmamahal, oras, at efforts ko. 

Ito ay isang mahabang tula para sa isang kaibigan na lubos kong pinahalagahan, handang piliin at ipagtanggol mula sa iba ko pang mga kaibigan, subalit hindi ako kayang piliin pabalik. 

(2015)

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My Friend

If I could go back in time,

I wouldn't  have let you go.

If I could change those mistakes,

You and I would always be together.

If ever you change your mind, 

I'm always here, patiently waiting.

If ever you would come back,

I'll forget all the pain you caused me.

If you ever say sorry to me,

I'll just smile and forgive you right away.

If you could just be the old you,

I wouldn't have been mad at you. 

If you haven't broke those words of promises,

You and I would be forever friends.

All these "what ifs" inside my mind

Haunts me like there's no tomorrow.

All of it caused me more pain than before

All of it caused regrets and sorrows

What if you're here with me?

Would I be happy even if I know you've changed?

Yes, you've changed a lot.

It was like you're close yet so far.

I can't reach  you, my friend.

I always say "I'm always here for you."

Yes that's true, my friend.

I will always be here for you even if you can't do the same

I'm contented on seeing you happy.

Even though I'm not part of the reason behind your smiles.

Because I'll always be an option for you.

I'm really stupid for chasing our fading friendship

For chasing a person who doesn't even care for my feelings

For how many years I've exerted efforts

I've done things for you that I can't do for others

That's how special you are to me

So special that I am hurting.

Then it came, I suddenly realized something

I was slapped by the truth.

I don't matter to you anymore.

Our friendship was long gone

Like the years we haven't been together

Now I hate the words "best friend"

Just by hearing it I can't help but remember you

Remember all the pain I've been feeling

I can't even bear to see you

Because I haven't moved on from all of it

I know you're happy now with your other friends.

I should be happy too with mine.

I wonder when I can look at you and say these things:

"Thank you for hurting me. You've taught me many things."

"Thank you for everything you've done for me, if there's any."

"Thank you for all the pain. It helped me to be a better person."

"Thank you and sorry for not being enough."

"Thank you and good bye, my friend."

I'll always remember you.

You'll always have a special place in my heart.

You'll always be one of my first BFFs.

And I'll always be here for you no matter what.

I'll always be the friend that stays at the background.

Looking at you and will guard you

I may say good bye to you but I'll never leave.

I won't do what you've done to me.

I'll always be the best friend that will never leave your side.

I'll always be here. Always.

But don't forget that I can also get tired.

But nevertheless, even if I am tired

I'll just be here, maybe not like before

But still secretly wishing for your happiness.

That's how important you are, my friend.

That I can bear the pain just to see you happy.

Bye for now but I'll see you soon, my friend.

---

Update: Napagod na po akong maging option. haha. May mga bagay talaga na kahit gusto nating patuloy na panghawakan ay kailangan nating bitawan upang magbigay daan sa mga bagong bagay na ating pahahalagahan at kailangang ingatan. Masaya na siya sa piling ng kaniyang bagong mga kaibigan at sa tingin ko naman ay masaya rin ako sa kung ano ang mayroon ako ngayon. 

Bilang tanda na napatawad at nakahakbang pasulong na ako ay "inaway" ko siya last year noong "inaway" niya ang isang kaibigan at kaklase namin sa sekondarya (Friend A) dahil tinanong lamang nito ang isa pa naming kaibigan at kaklase rin sa sekondarya (Friend B) patungkol sa tindig nito sa SOGIE Equality Bill. Sinabihan niya kasi si Friend A na binu-bully si Friend B, nanghihingi lang naman ng references si Friend A na hindi galing sa Bibliya. Hindi na lang sabihing homophobic sila: "for equality naman kami pero...". Hindi po selective ang equality. 

Isang magandang araw sa inyo! :P