We will see each other every day and it makes me so excited and nervous at the same time.
I try to speak to her but she always rejects me. I must try harder. Right? I don't want to look so weird but I am so desperate. It's been a teae year. A year without her leaves a vacancy in my heart. I miss her so bad. I miss us.
"Penny for your thought?" Mom asks as she hands me my antidepressants.
I look at it for awhile - soon, I won't take these pills anymore. I really have to get her back. I should go back to my old self and make her remember me.
"I saw her again."
"Don't think of it too much, El. She will remember you and if she does, just when you'll know if she's real," mom replies as she taps my shoulder.
"What if she doesn't remember me?" I can't help but think of the opossite.
"If she doesn't, you can still make memories with her. New memories, El. So don't worry too much. A brain forgets but a heart always remembers," mom smiles and exits my room.
I hug my pillow as usual and close my eyes. One of the side effects of my medication is insomia. I bet, I won't have a good sleep tonight. I am too tired of this routine. I want to go back to my old-happy self.
Serendipity kicks in. Her long straight hair fits her so much. She is so simple but her simplicity attracts more. She always wears big shirt and pants paired with her white sneakers as if she is just at home. She is so beautiful and cute at the same time. And her voice? It calms my heart. It always does.
I type her number on my phone and send her a message.
"Have a good dinner, Serendipity. xoxo"
I am waiting for her reply but I get none. Maybe she is busy. I send her more messages hoping to get her attention. But ugh, I get none. Again.
Her phone is ringing.
She answers my call. Thank God!
"Who the hell are you? What do you want in the middle of the fucking night?" She seems so angry.
"Oh, Hi, Serendipity. This is Elysa." I swallow hard. I don't want her to know that I am nervous. Hearing her beautiful voice over the phone gives me butterflies in my stomach. As always.
"How did you... Why did you..."
I get her number through our Editor-in-Chief. I should probably thank him.
I chuckle. Is she panicking? I think she is nervous, too. Ugh. She is so cute.
"What do you need?" Her intimidating voice is so obvious. She always does that. Her angelic face has this strong personality. She is always a mystery to me. She is always a puzzle and I am hoping that she still needs my piece to complete her.
"I just want to hear your voice," saying these words makes me smile. Am I flirting with her? I hope she won't notice. But am I? Oh, stop it, El. You'll look weird.
"Now that you heard my voice, might as well end this now 'cause I am starving to death and I don't like entertaining texts and calls 'cause I am not a text maniac. To make it short, we can't be textmates or whatever. Plus, I won't be answering your call again."
I can't help but laugh. Yeah, it is really obvious that she is not a talker. She talks too much. Is she reading a manuscript or what? She talks too fast, too. I bet she's embarrassed.
"I'm sorry but I find you funny." I tell her. I can't stop myself from laughing.
She doesn't say a thing. Maybe she is so mad at me right now. I have to keep our conversation going. I really want to talk to her.
"Serendipity."
"What?"
"Can I, uhm, can I hear your voice every day?"
I don't know if she'll take my words seriously but I am. I just don't want to hear her voice to help me calm my heart but I really want to hear her speak to me. I really do. I can talk to her for hours and I bet, I won't get tired. She is my remedy. She has always been my cure.
She doesn't answer me again but I can hear that somebody else is talking to her.
"Are you hanging up now?" She asks.
"You don't want me to?" I am trying to tease her. I am sorry, Ren. I love to annoy you, too.
"In your dreams!"
"Just kidding. Can I call you after dinner?"
"No!"
She answers immediately as if she is hundred percent sure. It hurts me a little.
"Oh, uhm. Good night, then. See you tomorrow, Serendipity."
I don't wait for her reply, I hang up even if I don't want to.
I always feel that Serendipity hates me and it pains me so bad. I just wish that she would learn how to accept me for being me. Anyone can judge me and my heart won't care but being judged by her leaves a strong sting in my stomach.
I wonder how she thinks of me. I wonder how she sees me. Does she really hate me that much? Can we be friends? Will she talk to me tomorrow?
I am overthinking again and I can't help it. I put my phone down and lay on my bed. I try to close my eyes but everytime I do, I only remember my past.
It's just 10 in the evening but it feels like it's almost dawn. I am so tired already. Ugh! I want to sleep. I want to rest. But the only person who can put me to sleep is gone. Not gone - as in gone. But she cannot remember me. She cannot remember our past and it feels so bad.
I want her to remember me but how? How can I tell her about our past? Or what if she remembers me but she chooses to pretend that she doesn't?
Maybe my existence hurts her so bad so she avoids me as if I am a bomb.
Maybe I should not exist. It's my fault. Everything that happens to her is my fault.
The sky is serene, as usual. Everything is so dark and it makes the moon shine the brightest. The moon is perfect tonight - it is as if, it is smiling to me.
I remember how she loves the moon. I bet she is looking at it, too. Only if she still remembers how fascinated and amazed she is by the moon. She cannot even remember me. Does she still remember these things?
The aroma of the coffee - she is a coffee addict. Her Eiffel Tower - yeah, HER. She loves it so much that it makes her cry every time she realizes that every one might actually like it. She loves purple. Anything that's purple. I hope she still remembers the things that make her happy.
Her happiness matters to me more than my own. And if her happiness no longer include me, fine. I will still be happy.
Oh, Serendipity! Please, remember me. I am Elysa. Your Elysa.
I close my eyes even if I am not sleepy. Tomorrow is another day. You did well today, El.
