My Thoughts

Time

They say things get better with time. Often, this is found to be true, but time hasn't helped enough.

Life was amazing. She was the best and despite her disabilities, she did everything they could to be with us kids. This woman was amazing, but sadly she didn't get long here.

You lost your best friend that night. The one person who had been there for you when others weren't. The one person who would always have their arms wide open when you needed a hug. The person who you could consider a soulmate even if it wasn't love. The person you never wanted to leave.

But all good things come to an end. One day that person does have to leave. One day it breaks your heart into billions of pieces. One day it makes you question why it was them and not you. Why you didn't get to say goodbye. Why would the universe take the one thing you loved most, and rip it away from you.

Of course, you knew this day was coming. Slowly they became weaker. Their smile, not as bright anymore. Their laugh, weaker and weaker each breath. And finally, their eyes. Oh how not so long ago they were filled with light, pure joy, hope, adventure, and love, slowly lost their sparkle. 

You cherished every last moment you got with them, scared it would become your last. Eventually, you would start lying to yourself saying things like:

'They'll find a way to save them'

'They'll make it through this'

'They'll get better, it just takes time'

You would come to live off these lies, forgetting that they were just stories you made to keep yourself happy. You would forget that the person is slowly fading away.

Before you know it, boom, you hear the monitor hold a long solid tone. You might not be in the room, but you could see the life leave their eyes, as they took their last breath. 

The world around you goes silent, all you can hear is your soft, almost silent, tears falling to the ground below you, staining the white floors with sadness. 

The pain in your chest is unimaginable. Like someone had ripped your heart out, slowly, piece by piece. 

Your body shakes as you come back to reality. The eerie calm scaring you as no one speaks. They hold back their sobs as you try as well. 

However, they were your soulmate, they weren't supposed to leave. Not this soon anyways. 

Quickly, you are pulled into a tight hug. The faint scent of your soulmate lingers on this persons clothes and it breaks you fully. 

You can no longer hold in the silent tears, now they fall, loud as can be, and it's all you can hear. Your own sobs.

A few weeks later, it's their memorial. You have to go, and you know it, but you're scared. What if you break again? What if they all think you're weak because you cry? What if they don't understand what the person meant to you?

Somehow you pull through. Of course, you let the silent tears fall, but you were strong. You had to be. Your best friend would've wanted you to be.

Months pass, and you've lost nearly 50 pounds. You've lost the will to live. Everyone is worried because you, the used to be bright and bubbly, loving person, have lost your own sparkle. You don't talk anymore, you don't smile, not even a fake smile can make its way on your face.

Family worries, they try everything. Not that any of it works.

Slowly you find your way out remembering, they would've never wanted you like this. 

You find your sparkle again, putting back on some weight, you smile more, a real smile.

Years later, you'll still cry, late at night, when no one can hear. You cry for them, to them. 

You wish they were here. You wish you could just hug them again, smell them, hold them, hear them anything with them. 

Years later, time hasn't healed at all. You by now have just found a way to ignore the pain for a while. 

Of course it's not always sad memories that you cry from, Most of the time, it's the good memories you cry about. You cry about the times you still had them. The time where nothing was wrong. 

You cry about what you miss, their smile, their laugh, their oh so lively eyes. You cry about when they were strict because they wanted to see you succeed in life, to fulfill your dreams. 

You would do anything to have them back, and yet, you don't want them back. 

You'll say its because:

'I don't want them in pain'

'This world is too cruel for them'

When in all reality it's because you're selfish over them. You don't want them to leave again. You don't want the chance to say goodbye because it'll hurt more than the first time when you didn't say it.

Things don't get better with time. You will still miss them just as much as you did on day one.