cool » l. hemmings

xxxvi.

But when even the paramedic from the stupid slow ambulance gives you a look as if you're completely insane for looking like you've got even an ounce of hope in your body, it's hard not to break the emotionless state you've tried to keep so far.

"I--I have to call my...oh God, my mom," I buried my head into Luke's chest, feeling my walls crumbling as I started to let everything out. I felt like I was drowning; that's what I wanted to do right now. Because this was all my fault.

"Babe, I need you to breathe, I'll call your mum, you go ride with Grady, okay?" My face was held in his hands, which were placed softly on my cheeks.

Breathe. I couldn't even hear that word without thinking about the fact that my own brother was hardly breathing himself.

I don't like ambulances. I never have and I absolutely despise them now that Grady was inside of one. All because of me. The urgency of these paramedics didn't help with anything because they were shouting everything that was wrong as if I wasn't even there and I wanted to yell at them to stop stop stop but they wouldn't because this is their job and I should be more grateful that they're even trying.

Everything was moving so fast, my mouth felt dry, all of the words it held being sucked out of me and I couldn't even acknowledge the fact that Luke had rushed toward me in the stupid broken chairs of the hospital waiting room because I was so completely confused and lost that I only wanted to be with myself. I didn't deserve to be around anyone.

He rushed over to me and kneeled in front of me, my legs in the chair with me and my arms wrapped around them as my face was buried into my knees. "Michelle, you're going to be--"

"I don't need you to lie to me," I snapped at him. He doesn't need to tell me such a false thing just to make me feel better. I was well aware that nothing was going to be okay, he knew that, too. He was probably exactly like me -- refusing to believe any of this was actually happening.

It's not real, when I wake up from whatever this is, Grady will be in his room like usual and trying but miserably failing to pass the Water Temple and he'll be perfectly okay and I'll be able to hug him and he'll laugh at me and probably call me crazy but all he needed to know was I wish I was able to wake up because this hurts so bad.

But this isn't a dream, my mom is running toward Luke and I just as speechless and heartbroken as I was. Michael ran even faster than she did, and through my surprise of Luke making the effort to call him, I felt Luke rub his hand up and down my arm and Michael sit down next to me with his leg shaking.

It's amazing how fast the wind can carry you to a seemingly beautiful area and then become ruthless and call in the biggest storm you've ever experienced. And you can't do anything. Because the wind carries you where you need to go -- no matter how much you fight, the wind always wins. Wind is fucked up.

All you can do in the storm is hope you don't drown as the flood waters become a whole ocean. In the end you just wish you hadn't of fallen for the trick that is the calm before the storm. There's always something good being taken away from you when the storm rolls around.

That something, for me, was Grady and my motivation. My little brother was my motivation to prove I was a better version of who I was before, even if before meant five seconds ago. All my life I've felt motivation because I felt the need to show Grady how much he meant to me and how much I wish he hadn't of lost everything because of me.

He literally lost everything.

One single thing was held into my mind, only brought back through a string of different sentences so I didn't have to hold one thing against myself. I thought everything differently than the last so I would have more to admit that I did wrong in the role of being an older sister.

I'm being incredibly selfish, aren't I?

We don't even know if Grady's going to be okay or not and I was being close-minded and selfish, thinking the worst and only about how this affected me. My mom wasn't even doing anything; she just sat there, staring at the floor with her mouth open slightly. Michael -- oh God, Michael loves Grady as much as I do and they were so close it hurt to even imagine what was running through his head right now. Michael hadn't seen him in weeks, but I wanted to speak up and tell him that it was alright. My voice was still nowhere to be found. I couldn't reassure anyone until I could reassure myself.

Luke was pulling me closer to him on the longer chair for two, kissing the top of my head and whispering to me. Even he was anxious, but I don't know why I was saying that as if he wouldn't be. I wish his mom and Ethan were here.

I don't wish any of of were here. This isn't where we're supposed to be; we're all supposed to be laughing together about something only we would find funny. We weren't supposed to ever walk into a hospital like this and certainly never for Grady.

Everyone around me looked so broken. Defeated. There were some families celebrating the return of whoever was in the wheelchair the nurses rolled out for them. There were some families who were openly crying about everything happening to them, while mine -- besides looking nervous as hell -- couldn't do a fucking thing because this wasn't expected. This really, really wasn't expected.

And I know not all of the people in this hospital expected whoever they're here for to be in the position they were, either, but there's always warnings and signs beforehand that they don't look for. Luke, Michael, my mom, and I didn't need to look for warnings or signs; there were none. You couldn't look at me and tell me while planning a surprise for my brother, he was going to fall victim to one of those stupid, idiotic things you only think happens in movies until you have it happen in real life.

Everything good eventually gets ripped away from you and I've come to notice that's reality and reality fucking sucks.

"Luke?" I whispered, surprising not only myself with the sudden ability to speak through all of this, but also Luke, who nodded slightly. "You know how you said you smoke so you don't have to think about the real world?" He nodded again, this time confused. I was still whispering and barely able to even talk -- I couldn't tell you how I was managing to do it without breaking down right now.

"I wish I had something like that," I admitted, "right now reality isn't being very friendly to us." I sounded incredibly childish, really. But I didn't care. Nothing mattered except for knowing if Grady was going to be alright. I felt like the hospital walls were closing and the closer they got the farther away from the answer I got. For years and years, it felt like, we'd been sitting here and not a single fucking doctor or nurse or whoever came out to tell us anything.

To this, Luke sighed and turned my face to look at him. His eyes reminded me of the oceans I told you about; the ones that represent me as these horrible winds are trying desperately to tear me apart. "It's not friendly to anyone, Michelle. But it'll be oka--"

"I thought I told you not to lie to me," I said, my mouth set into a line as I watched my mother talk to some middle aged man with too many pens in his coat pocket, with an unreadable expression on her face.

"I'm not lying. You're going to be okay, we'll all be okay," Luke's eyes looked directly at me, making sure I was listening to what he was saying and not just hearing it. "I'm not promising to know when but everything is going to be fine."

But Grady's not. Everything isn't fine. 'Everything,' included Grady and Grady is gone.

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im the devil i hate myself