The Key To A New World

Chapter 8

"Everything is so dark, I can't see. Where am I and why is it so cold?" My wrist began to throb, and I remembered what I had done. "Am I dead?" The ringing in my ears began to fade allowing me to tune into the sounds around me. *Beep, beep, beep* 'That would be a heart monitor. You are in the hospital.' "What?" I said rather loudly and jerked myself up. 'You didn't do it right you idiot.' "Great. I finally grow enough balls to take myself out and it does not work." The feeling of shame and guilt washed over me like a fierce wave in the ocean when a hurricane is brewing. Nothing ever went my way, and probably never will. "Why wont you let me die?" I asked as if God was sitting in front of me.

My vision slowly began to come back to me. It was fuzzy at first like a tv that needed a coat hanger in it for signal. I heard a door open and I looked in the direction of the noise by my vision was still too fuzzy to make out what I was looking at. "Well, hello there Lizzy! I am glad to see you are awake!" An unfamiliar voice spoke up. "Who are you and where the hell am I?"

"My name is Dr. Stagg, and you are in the hospital."

"I don't want to be here! I have a do not resuscitate clause!"

"Do you have it in writing?"

"No."

"Well, I am sorry sweetie but if you do not have it on a living will we have no choice but to do our job and save you."

'Fuck.' I heard the dark voice speak up again.

"So, do you want to tell me what happened?" Dr. Stagg asked calmly with a hint of concern in his voice. "No." I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what I had done to myself. I did not want anyone to know about it, I thought I would be dead by the time people found out. At least that way I would not have to deal with the aftermath. "Ok, we wont talk about it, but maybe you would like to talk to a counselor instead?"

"I am already in therapy."

"Can you provide me with the name and contact information?"

I realized I was not going to get out of this and let out a breath of defeat. "Yea, his name is Dr. Baker. I do not know his number by heart so, maybe you can look him up."

My vision was completely restored by the time Dr. Baker showed up. I was still ill prepared to discuss the topic of my wrongful doings, talking about it just made me feel the guilt all over again and wish that it would have worked. Dr. Baker knocked on the door, announced himself, and asked for permission to come in. I acknowledged his presence and told him to come in. He eased the door shut, rolled the doctor's chair to my bedside, and sat down. "How are you feeling?" He asked. "Great!" I said sarcastically trying to hint to him that I did not want to talk about why I was there. "Ok, I get it, you don't want to talk. That is ok, we don't have to talk about it."

"Thank you."

"I brought someone with me that really wants to see you."

I looked up at him with a slight smile, it was Shannon! I knew it! "Shannon is with you?" I asked with a ball forming in my throat. "Yes ma'am! She was in my office when I got the call about you and she wanted to come along. I hope that is ok."

"Yes! Yes! Bring her in! Please!" I did not realize until just then that I needed her more than she needed me. Dr. Baker walked over to the door and motioned her inside. "Lizzy! Oh my goodness, Lizzy! Are you ok?" She had tears streaming down her face. "I thought I was going to lose you." She said. "Unfortunately, I am still here." I answered. "No, don't say that!" She snapped back quickly. "I missed you." I said and joined her in the water works show and pulled her in for a hug. "I missed you too! Don't you ever do anything like that again ok!"

"No promises." I said.

"I mean it Lizzy! I know you are going through a rough time right now, but things will get better! I will be right here with you!"

"You can not be with me when I go back to the institute."

"I know."

The room fell silent for a moment before Shannon began to speak again. "I have to tell you something."

"Do tell."

"I know why your number was the only one in Star's contact list." My ears perked up and my eyes opened wide waiting for her to continue. "Well, before I came to Dr. Baker I was going to a different psychiatrist; Star was going to the same one."

This news struck me like a bat to my chest. "What? Star was not depressed!"

"She was. She was more than just depressed though, she was schizophrenic. She was despite to hid it because she was embarrassed by it. We were pen pals, and she told me she only had one friend because that was all she needed. I know she did not like talking about her problems and she only did it to get out of therapy. She is really good at faking being ok."

"You're telling me! She has been my best friend for years and I never knew it." I thought for a moment and then continued after my face turned from shocked to sad. "I never told her about my problems either."