The Key To A New World

Chapter 7

I stood leaning against the wall next to my window watching the rain beat heavily on the ground; it had been storming all day and the ground was slightly flooded holding roughly three and a half inches of water. From my view it looked like a feeding frenzy for fish in the sea, at least that was my take on it. The sound of the storm threw my thoughts for a loop and I found a new way to explain how I feel on the inside. The rumble of the thunder and the vibration through the building when it rolled, the flash of the lightning and the loud bang that caused people to jump out of their skin when it struck a tree or something nearby, the sound the rain makes when it hits the ground or the roof or even the puddles it created; the sound of all of these things together. Most people fear storms, some people find them soothing. People only experience storms when mother nature decides it is time for one, but this is how I feel on the inside all the time, very rarely do I ever see or feel the sun from the inside.

I enjoy the storms because I am one of those that find them soothing, but it is much different on the inside. Mother nature's storms are much calmer than the storms I feel within. If you feel the same than you can understand what I am saying easily, but if you do not experience what I am saying than it is much harder for you to understand. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and there is no one to turn to for help with the weight. Psychiatrists and friends reach out to me saying things like, "I am here for you", or "You know you can come talk to me about anything, right?" Yes, I know, but it is easier said than done. How do you explain your pain to someone? How do you begin to express and put into words the agony that you face daily? Unless they witness it firsthand or go through it themselves, they will never even begin to understand. Then you think to yourself, what if I do open up and lean on someone, then I just take my weight and put it on their shoulders only to add to the weight they might be carrying that I don't know about. If I feel this bad with my problems, I don't want to make someone else feel this bad, I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on my door. "Come in." I said calmly still leaning against the wall next to my window watching the storm. "You shouldn't stand next to a window when lightning is flashing." A voice said, I turned to see who was speaking and fell to the floor in tears. "No, this cannot be happening! You are dead! You died!" I yelled and curled up into a ball and allowed my emotions to take control forcing me onto an emotional roller coaster ride of anger, sadness, fear, and confusion. I cried and kept repeating myself, "You're dead! You are dead! You are dead! You're dead!" I forced my hands over my ears and buried my face between my knees and the floor as my tears fell like the rain outside to form a puddle beneath face. I felt a hand touch my back and a soothing voice telling me to calm down and that everything was going to be ok. "NO!" I yelled and pushed the hand away. "Lizzy, please calm down." The calm voice spoke out again but this time I was wrapped up into a hug. The woman held me until I caught my breath and I was able to look at her.

The brunette that brought me up here to my room. "Are you ok?" She asked. I sat up straight freeing myself from her arms and wiped my tears off my soaked cheeks. "I...I think so." I answered. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I don't want to."

"Ok, you don't have to." She smiled and rubbed my back.

"What is your name again?" I asked.

"Samantha! I'm your nurse while you are here with us."

I looked down at the floor debating on whether or not I should tell her what happened or if I should keep it to myself or maybe I should tell Dr. Baker the next time I get to talk to him. I looked back up at her smiling face. It was soothing, it was calm, it was comforting, it was honestly what I needed most, a friendly face. "I....um...." I caught myself trying to tell her. "I...I can't. I'm sorry." I said and face planted my knees. "It's ok. I find that sometimes someone's presence can be a lot more helpful than words. You do not have to tell me anything, but I will sit here with you for as long as you need me to. I know this must be really hard on you, but it is only temporary. You will not be here forever. This place can seem overwhelming at times, I know, it has a way of really making things worse, but I want you to know that you are not alone in this."

Being in a mental institute is rock bottom for me. She works here so of course it does not seem like a bad thing to her. She may not even have a mental scar so maybe she could be one of those that just want to help without truly understand the issue, but still she sat next to me on the floor for an hour and a half, neither one of us speaking one word the whole time. Finally, a break in the silence, I recognized the voice to be the blonde woman from the front desk. "Samantha, could you assist me for a moment please? We have trouble in the lobby!"

Grace looked at me with that same calming smile. "I'm ok." I said and returned a smile. "You have a beautiful smile! You should wear it more often!" She said. "I'm on my way." She spoke into her walkie and calmly left my room. I stood and went back to the window. The rain had slowed, and the storm seemed to be calming down. This place is my prison, I do not want to be here. It makes me feel more worthless than I know I already am. Worthless.... there is that word again. 'Nobody wants you!' "Shut up." I spoke to the voice out loud, something I typically do not do. Usually, I only speak to the voices in the privacy of my head, in my thoughts. "Great, now I'm talking to nothing. Now, I really do look like I am insane. Maybe I do belong here." 'You deserve to die! Come on, you know you want to! Just do it, I will help you!' "Oh yea? How do you plan to do that? You don't even exist outside of my head, so again, shut up!" I went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. I pulled out the white bread, fresh cut turkey slices, mustard, and cheese. I pulled the drawer out that held the utensils and mistakenly grabbed a steak knife. I couldn't help glaring at the blade shining in my hand. 'Do it! The world is better off without you!'

I felt a not form in my throat while hot tears formed in my eyes and began making their way down my cheeks. 'Fuck! You little bitch! Chicken! You are hated! You are nothing! You need to die! There is nothing here for you! Your mother should have fucking swallowed! No body will care that you are gone! No I'm sorry, I misspoke everyone will be glad that you are gone! Your funeral will be one big party to celebrate the end of a useless life! They hate you! No one ever wanted you, why do you think you don't have your parents around? Your father left because your mother got pregnant and your mother decided she didn't want you after finally realizing you are nothing more than a fuck up, and you would never amount to anything! I mean look at you! Look at where you are in life! She was right! You are nothing! A waste! So, go a head and do everyone a favor and get rid of yourself.'

"You are right. It's true." I said with a cracking voice. "My mom left me; I never knew my dad. I have no one. I mean nothing to this world and everyone in it. I should end it. I hate my life. My best friend is gone, and she was really the only reason I didn't do it sooner. Now that she is gone, I have nothing left. I put the cold blade against my wrist, took a deep breath, 'That's right! Good girl!', closed my eyes, and jerked it as fast as I could. Immediately, I dropped the knife and fell to the floor holding my bleeding wrist. "Ugh, it hurts! It hurts so bad! My vision began to blur, my ears began to ring, the pain began to slip away, and I rolled onto my back. I felt hot, too hot, everything went blank.