The thoughts in my head

1st September 2020, 8.53 p.m.

Song: Lovely, Lost without you, ILYA by Fly By Midnight

What I'm doing: Sitting in an almost dark room, all by myself, yet again.

Today I was reading this novel about suicide and a little part of it really pissed me off.

You see, everyone thinks that suicide is a coward's way out. Somehow, not growing and wanting to end your life is a sign of cowardice. Can someone explain to me why that is so?

I'll present my case: SUiCIde Is nOT CoWarDLy.

How many people out there have the guts to take their own fate in their hands and destroy it? Dying needs bravery. Fine, killing yourself means running from life. But it also means running towards something, something much more mysterious than life will ever be. There are ways to navigate life, but there are no ways to navigate death.

Would you ever venture into the deepest parts of the oceans without any protective gear and experience? Of course you wouldn't. Now multiply the darkness and depth of the oceans thousands of times to itself (ocean^1000) and that still doesn't come close to death. The courage that you lack, suicidal people have.

So what part of this is cowardly?

Of course, I don't know about others, but for me, being suicidal feels like I'm half dead already. Where I used to cry almost everyday, now I can't shed a single tear. As if all the stars that make a galaxy have died, causing supernovae which expend all the energy that I had in myself and slowly, they're becoming black holes. The day i lost all my energy was when i finally told someone about what's really going on and that is the day when I started becoming a collection of black holes. I sucked all the joy out of my family. And where i come from, we don't handle such things. We pretend them away. Luckily for me, my parents took me to a therapist.

You see, it didn't make a dime of difference for me. But I lied for their sakes. I'm still lying, telling them that I'm getting better, Lying doesn't hurt anymore.

Nothing hurts anymore, because you've already been hurt so much that you just develop immunity against. But, alas, there are things that come along which manage to hurt occasionally, since you can't have immunity against a virus that is mutating constantly.

Excuse me, I strayed. Anyway, what I was saying is, feeling this way, wanting to die, does require bravery and we are valiant just for holding onto life for as long as we have.

And I don't want to die because I can't live anymore. I want to die. That's all. No because. It just is. And people don't seem to understand why I simply want to die.

Why do you want to live? No one questions a want to live. Then why question me?

For the most part, I manage to function normally. I do my school work, I study, I write my novel and I don't let it show, it being everything. But in times like these, I truly reflect upon what I am.

I am a creature. I am a creature that wants to die. That is all I have become. Now, I see that there is nothing left inside me. I have become nothing and I should die already so that a person who wants to live can get the resources that I have.

Now, you must be wondering that if I want to die so much, why am I not dead yet? Why am I here, wasting your time, my time, Wattpad's time, the internet?

Simply because i don't have a way to die. I've researched it all. Slitting my arteries is extremely painful and doesn't even guarantee a 100% success rate. to hang myself, the ceiling fans won't be able to hold my weight. Can't asphyxiate because I'm surrounded by people and they'll physically stop me before i succeed. You might think that I'm making excuses, but I'm just being practical. What's worse than a successful suicide attempt is a failed suicide attempt.

If I'm dying, I'm dying with a bullet to my head. Quick, clean and 99.9% success rate. I could always be that 0.1% but I like to stay positive. But I don;t have a gun and it isn't to score a gun around here. Hence, I'm alive and you're reading this piece of crap.

Another thing is, I don't care about the people I'll be leaving behind when I die. I'll be dead. I will be unable to give two shits about what they're feeling and it gives me solace. That I won't be guilt ridden when I leave behind the only two people whom I have truly loved(One of whom is reading this right now. And you know that I'm not writing this just because you're reading it. I actually do love you.)

So basically, this part is useless while being liberating.

At the end of the day, go ahead, call me a coward. I can't care either way.