The Prince's Concubine

12: A night in his bed

"Goodnight, Bilhah."

"Goodnight, January." She lay still in the darkness, blood roaring through her veins, all thoughts of sleep evaporating. He was so near she could hear him breathing. So near she could smell the oils on his skin, so near she could surely hear his heart beat, if only her own were not thudding so noisily. Oh, why didn't he want her? If she reached out her arm she could touch him. She felt guilty for even thinking of it. She must not disturb him. Was he already asleep? Or was he lying awake as she was?

Moments later an answer came as he shifted in the bed. She dared not make a sound. She lay motionless, ears craning for any noise, but none came. She waited a long time, hearing nothing, certain that by now he must have fallen asleep. The fire was low, and any sense of time had long since been lost. Drowsiness began to pull at her, but she couldn't quite let go and slip into sleep.

Abruptly, he turned over to face her, punching the pillow again before laying his head down with a heavy sigh. Bilhah's eyes met his gaze for a heart stopping moment before she could look away. Thank the Goddess the light was too low for him to see her blush.

"Did I wake you again? I'm sorry."

"No, it's all right. I can't sleep."

"Me too. I'm not used to sharing my bedroom."

It couldn't be true, but it made her smile still. "I am, but I still can't sleep tonight."

"You are?" Even in the half light she could see the confusion on his face. "I thought the Goddess House kept you..."

She giggled, realising his mistake. "Oh, I meant with other girls. We share rooms at the House."

"Oh!" He laughed. "I thought you meant.... Oh Warrior, of course!" He was still laughing, and she was so glad that she laughed too. It was wonderful to see him smile, wonderful to feel the tension in the air dissolve.

"So, how many girls did you share with?"

"Just one. We had better rooms on the concubine path. The wife path girls have four to a room, and the little ones are in dormitories."

"Oh. I've never shared with anyone, not even when I was young. Mother wouldn't allow it. I always wished I could, it sounded so much fun. I've always been jealous of boys who had brothers." The smile still playing on his mouth. She felt so at ease, so content in his presence. It was almost as if she were whispering secrets to Adah back in her old room, except that she had never lain in that dark room wishing Adah would gather her into her arms and kiss her. It was a strange thing, that she wanted him to do it when he didn't want her at all. It was certainly not the usual way of things, not from what she'd learned at the House at least. What else had they lied about? Curiosity needled at her.

"Can I ask you something?"

He nodded.

"Why don't you want a concubine? I know you won't keep a slave, but you could take concubines who are free?"

"No, I know what you really think of us. I don't want that."

What they thought of him? She didn't understand. She had nothing but respect and admiration for him. Confusion drew her brows together even though she tried to keep it from her face.

"I am my mother's only child. I grew up playing with my father's bastards from the North Tower. When we were young his concubines weren't careful what they said – they thought the children didn't understand. We didn't, at the time, but I still remember their words. I know how much they hate him. How they lie to his face because they're afraid that if they displease him he'll kill them. They make a fool of him. He believes all their platitudes. He has no idea that every one of them would gladly put a knife in his guts if they weren't afraid their children would hang for it. Well I won't be like him. I won't be the laughing stock of the garrison because I can't control myself. I swore I'd never put a woman in my bed who would grow to hate me because she'd been sold as a slave or a whore and had no choice."