Are You Having A Good Time, Sweetheart?

Chapter Fourteen: Complete Ecstasy

For the rest of the night, Alex did everything almost silently. He let his mom bring him soup and water. He drank some of the broth but left the noodles, veggies and chicken. He dumped that in the toilet and flushed. He put the bowl outside his door. He wasn't going downstairs again. He did drink the water though. He needed it after a day of pure panic and throwing up.

He'd texted Jack through the night about nothing too significant. Just normal chit chat here and there. About more songs that he'd written, the fact that despite sleeping for six hours, he was exhausted. He called Jack to tell him goodnight, and he crashed shortly after that.

Morning came, it was Saturday, and Alex didn't have to wake up to the blaring sound of his alarm. Because of that, he slept until eleven AM. His mom and dad left him alone. That was probably for the best. His dad was busy packing for the business trip he'd be taking from tomorrow til next weekend. Isobel was on the phone talking to coworkers and planning a getaway for the weekend, starting today, when she'd be coming back tomorrow night. Alex was okay with that. He wasn't intending on having any family time anyway.

He sat up and stripped his clothes. He walked into the bathroom and showered quickly, got out and wrapped the towel around his waist. He took more time looking at himself in the mirror.

'You know he's never going to really find anything of value in you' 

'Stop staring at yourself, it's gross'

'Seriously, work on those love handles. Work on getting your fat ass skinny'

'Why are your thighs and legs so much skinnier than the rest of you'

'Your hair looks stupid. You have no upper lip. Your nose is too pointy'

'Oh look, you actually have some stubble on your face, that looks alright but your forehead is huge'

'You really should just give it up'

'If you tell your therapist he's just going to drug you and maybe stick you back in the psych ward'

'Not like you wouldn't deserve it. It might shut me up for a while'

'You're fighting a losing battle, I'm going to win'

Alex looked down at the counter, then sat on the edge of the tub.
He put his head in his hands.
"Shut the fuck up. Just shut up." He whispered to himself. God, he longed for the days that he didn't hear that stupid fucking voice anymore. Not that the day would ever come. He held zero hopes for that ever happening. 

It took him a good ten minutes of whispering to himself, begging for the voice to shut up. It didn't, but he pushed it to the back of his mind and focused on turning his ugly into something decent looking.
He dried his hair, styled it the same way he always did. 
He did the basics, brushing his teeth, deodorant, cologne.
His outfit was nothing new either. Grey long sleeved shirt. Dark wash denim jeans. A black cardigan rather than a hoodie or leather jacket. Socks, shoes. Beanie.
He sat down on his bed and took out his journal. He hadn't written in it in a while.
He wrote about everything that's happened. From having Jack over, to their sexual whatever it was, to Alex showing him songs after showing him a complete mental breakdown. How he got busted cutting again by his mom. How he talked to her in such a low monotone that he sounded crazy even to himself. How he so indifferently told his parents about the mirror he broke, with some bullshit excuse about it. How Jack came out to his parents and told them about him.

That part was happy to write down. He closed his journal and put it back. He didn't cut in the shower at least. That felt awkward to him, but he willed himself not to do it. 
He looked at his phone, Jack had apparently texted him at nine this morning. It was almost noon now.

Jack: What are we doing today?

Alex: No idea. You had the idea of going somewhere.

Jack: I figured we could go check out the aquarium maybe, and the Top of the World thing at the World Trade Center observation area. Get a whole view of Baltimore. Maybe Fell's Point to walk around a little, they have a nice park that's filled with tall trees and flowers.

Alex: Sounds good. Which first? The top of the world observation sounds fun.

Jack: Top of the world it is. You driving or me?

Alex: Come pick me up. I'm ready to go. I'm bringing my Polaroid.

Jack: There's just nothing that you don't do, is there? You good at taking pictures?

Alex: You have a lot of time to learn things when you're bored, alone and sad. I'm alright at taking them I guess. I just like Polaroids, even when they come out fucked up.

Jack: I'll be there in about fifteen minutes.

Alex grabbed his polaroid and hung it crossbody and rested on his hip, tucked his phone in his back pocket, went downstairs and grabbed his wallet off the counter and put it in his front pocket. He headed for the door before his parents could harass him, seeing as they were both still busy. He sat down on the driveway and looked up at the sky. It was cloudy but he could see the sun through the clouds. It wasn't long before Jack pulled up. He drove a silver Nissan Altima. Alex couldn't tell what year, but it wasn't new, it looked nice and clean. He opened the door for himself and got in.
Jack reached over and put his hand on top of Alex's. "Top of the world, here we come." He said happily as he began driving. Alex smiled a bit, then looked out the window, humming a melody he'd been thinking of. Jack let him do his thing and kept driving. He stole glances here and there. Alex didn't seem like he was all there at the moment, but he hoped he could change that. 
At some point on the drive, Alex took Jack's hand and laced their fingers together. Jack didn't mind one bit.

They arrived at the observation center and took the elevator all the way up. Jack held his hand the entire way in, and the entire way up.
They stayed silent, Alex looking out at the bay, enjoying the ships. He felt like getting on one and sailing away. 
Jack noticed the expression on Alex's face. It was getting clearer to read the more time he spent around Alex.
"You want to be on that ship, huh?" He asked.
Alex nodded.
Jack smiled a little, "We could sail away. Wherever you wanted. Wherever made you happy." He squeezed Alex's hand.
Alex smiled the tiniest bit, "The only place I wish that I was...Would be London, I guess. I grew up in Essex, so I'd like to go back there too, but I remember trips to London when I was little. We'd stay in the more rural areas, walking the cobblestone paths, going through the park. We'd get ice cream, we'd go see Buckingham Palace. I used to wish I was a knight. My mom even put me in fencing lessons and archery lessons at one point. I used to wish I could protect the queen." He laughed a little darkly at himself. Those hopes and dreams never came true, of course. They were unrealistic back then, but back then, he still had high hopes for life.

Jack smiled at the thought, "The thought of you shooting a bow and arrow and fencing is a really cute mental image. Maybe one day we can go visit together." He hoped that would make Alex feel better.
It did to some extent. Alex at least offered him a small smile, "I'd enjoy that."
They kept walking around the observation deck, seeing different views of Baltimore, enjoying the sight. 
After they'd circled it a few times, Jack took notice of Alex mainly looking at the ground. 
"You wanna go?" He asked. Alex nodded. 
Jack walked hand in hand with Alex into the elevator, down and through the lobby and back to the car. They got in. Jack looked at Alex, "What's wrong?" He asked.
Alex smiled a little and shook his head, "Nothing, really." He was telling the truth for the most part.
Jack put his hand on Alex's thigh, "So what's got you so quiet?" He pressed a little.
Alex bit his lip, "A few reasons, I guess. I made my mom cry last night. I hate doing that. I feel like shit for it. I feel bad that she caught me. It's not fair that I keep hurting my parents. I keep telling them that I'm fine, but the voice in my head never shuts up, it's always telling me that it would be easier for everyone if I just slit my throat and got it over with." He stared down at Jack's hand on his lap.
Jack leaned in and put his head on Alex's shoulder, "I hope you know that's not true, and I hope you tell that voice to shut up." 
Alex nodded, resting his head on top of Jack's, "I tell it to shut up constantly. I know it's not true. I know I have to tell my therapist about this, at least a little of it, I'm not ready to tell him all of it. I guess that's all that's bothering me. It feels easier to run away from my problems, but I know they'll just follow me. They're in my head, after all." He said that last part as if it was completely logical. In one sense, it was. 

Jack smiled a little, "I'm happy that you feel like you can talk to me about this stuff. Fell's Point next?" He asked, removing his hand from Alex's thigh and putting his key in the ignition. Alex nodded, "Fell's sounds great." He said with a small smile. He was trying to be happy today. He was determined to be. He'd ruined Jack's day yesterday, he wasn't going to do it again. He willed himself into the best, ecstatic mood that he could.

Once they got to Fell's Point, Jack headed towards the park. He found a parking spot and got out. He went around and opened Alex's door for him. The park was lovely, there was a lot of walking space, lots of benches and trees, historical sites, and of course, the Inner Harbor where more boats rested. It was a nice place to sit and watch everything.
Alex got out with Jack and smiled at him, "Let's find a good spot, I want to take pictures." He grinned. It met his eyes just enough. Jack smiled at Alex's enthusiasm. He knew that his beautiful boy was trying really hard, and he appreciated it. He'd let Alex try. 
"Sounds like a plan to me." He squeezed Alex's hand and led him through the park. They eventually found a cute bench under a pretty tree, flower bushes in the background. Alex sat down, "This is the spot." He patted the spot next to him and Jack sat down.

Alex smiled at his raven haired boy. He was actually starting to feel happy, he pushed any bad thoughts to the back of his mind. "Come here." He said, putting his arm around Jack. He got his camera ready and held it up in traditional selfie pose, "Smile!" He grinned. Jack laughed and grinned too, as Alex snapped the photo. They watched the photo come out of the camera, watching it as it developed. Alex laughed at how silly they looked with their huge grins. They looked like a cute couple who'd been together forever. 
"Let's take another one. One for you to bring home and one for me." Alex smiled, got back into selfie pose and took another. They laughed at that one too.
Jack took the camera, "My turn, pretty boy." He smiled. Alex stood up and stood in front of the tree, with just enough sunlight on him, making his caramel hair look a bit more ginger.
Alex leaned against the tree and gave Jack a small, sweet smile as Jack snapped the photo. Jack took it out and smiled at it, slipping it into his wallet for safe keeping, along with the first photo they'd taken together. Alex had slipped his photo in his wallet too.
"Your turn, blondie." Alex laughed, referring to his favorite platinum bits in Jack's hair. He took his camera back and directed Jack into the spot that he was just in. Jack turned himself so his big blonde streak was in the sunlight. He grinned his beautiful, big smile. Alex snapped the picture, smiled at it when it came out and tucked it into his wallet.

After their little photoshoot, they swapped the camera around with each other, taking random pictures and taking pictures of each other. On the last two film strips in the camera, Alex grabbed Jack and pulled him close. He took the camera, leaned in and pressed an intense kiss to Jack's lips, waiting a moment for Jack to kiss back. Jack wrapped his arms around Alex and put himself fully into the kiss. Alex kissed back, one arm around Jack's neck, and he snapped the first photo, then the second. He pulled back from the kiss to grab the two photos before the first one could fall onto the ground. He handed Jack one and put the other one in his wallet. Jack tucked his away in his wallet too. "Sneaky." Jack grinned. "I wasn't done." He said softly, taking Alex by the waist again and pulling him close. Alex leaned in. His determination for making this a great day for Jack was paying off. He smirked as he snaked his arms around Jack's neck, letting one hand slide it's way up into Jack's hair, bringing them as close as they could be.