Infinity - Jiara

4th Chapter: Never

Pope's pov

People say when you lose someone really close to you, you go through five stages. What maybe they don't know is that it comes from an actual research made by the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who describe them as:

1- Denial: Which is featured by the constant disbelief and not acceptance of what happened.

2- Anger : When reality hits and you are not ready for the millions mixed feelings that are emerging and consuming you. In this stage, starts the guilt.

3- Bargaining: In this stage, you keep blaming yourself for basically everything envolving the lost. And you start wondering "If only I did that", "If only I tried harder"...

4- Depression: It can come in 2 ways, but the definition of this one does not even exemplify what it is or actually feels like. So, I'm not gonna go there.

5- Acceptance: The name speaks for itself, but I thoughtfully entitled it as "Bullshit".

All respect to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, but it's bullshit. Those "stages" try to describe what words could never do. I've always been a rational guy. Always. But I now realize logic doesn't overcome emotions. It could never.

Try to name all the things I'm feeling is impossible. They treat it as some kind of recipe. That if you go through all of the steps, at the end you'll have a beautiful cake. That is not how real life works. I know that because I tried following those goddamn steps...

...As I've always tried to follow rules, go by the books. When the news came to us, I didn't know what do. So I remember this vague memory about what to do when someone close to you is gone. I convinced myself on the first week that after I did that, I would be okay again.

But guess what? It. Didn't. Fucking. Happen.

Grief is not something you can resume in 5 steps. It is not.

They also say that trying to give "time to time" and then do things normally will help. They say being with someone makes it get better. That drinking makes it get better. But it never does.

I always thought I knew what I wanted in life. I thought I would like to get a scholarship, graduate, marry the girl of my dreams and have a big happy family.

Then I lose one of my best friends and I start questioning it all.

And one famous phrase comes to my mind "Don't take things for granted". At least in one thing, people were right. You should never do that. Because, trust me, you never know what tomorrow is gonna be like.

There's another research - one which is right - that says that teenages tend to do the opposite, take everything for granted. That when you are a teen (mostly) you always have that feeling of knowing what tomorrow is gonna be like. But, what if there's no tomorrow? Being a teenager doesn't mean you're imortal, you know? And reality never hit harder.

I remember another thing after we got those horrible news: I remember talking to Kie. Kiara, "the girl of my dreams". I always considered her that, no questioning. My crush for her evolved in love. I feel in love for her. Not with her, I'm conscientious about that.

I truly don't think she likes me back. Why would she? I think she just needed someone and I happened to be there, completely "fallen" for her. And I did not have the courage to hear her out, afraid of my own reaction.

But now...

I have been feeling everything and nothing. It sounds controversial, but it's true. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions that I just want it all to stop, and there are times where I feel a complete and utter nothing that I would do anything to feel something.