Pride

Chapter 20- Chase

I'm scared of Jordan using my desperation for him against me.

Which is an entirely plausible thought. We've been going at each other for years; it's hard to erase all of that within what, a week? Maybe two? Even less? But I want him so badly- I want to feel his body and his lips against mine, I want to feel like I'm on fire from his contact. And I could, 100%, see him using that against me to get back at me for all the times I've come out on top (which has been a lot, honestly. I've never gotten caught provoking him- he's gotten caught almost punching me. And he's never actually gotten a hit in, thanks to Nathan).

"Chase?" Levi asks quietly, and he's beside me now. I feel a little sick- because he must know how badly I want him, after the way I kissed him, touched him-

"Him," I whisper. "He'll use it against me."

"Chase, he was kissing you. He wanted you just as much as you wanted him. How could he possibly use it against you?"

"If he doesn't, if I feel more for him, even a little bit..."

"Chase, this is ridiculous. You know he won't."

"He might. He could."

"He wouldn't," Levi insists.

"We've been under this punishment for like, a week and a bit. We hated each other for probably half of that. You have no way to know what he would or wouldn't do."

"You can't honestly believe-"

"I can. If he has anything to hold over my head-"

"Of course. You just don't want him to have leverage on you. It doesn't matter if he'd use it-"

"Because he could!" I practically shout. "If he has something, if I want him more, then he could use it, and that's enough!"

"Chase, can't you ever trust anyone?!" Levi shouts back, and I let out an angry huff.

"We've been fighting for years, we've been on relatively okay terms for a few days- I see no reason why I should trust him!"

"Well, if you want him, then you're going to have to take a leap of faith. Because otherwise, you're just going to end up being the guy who kissed Jordan and then ran away."

"I didn't run away," I growl.

"You're still being a coward," he growls right back. "Let me know when you've decided to either pursue him or not. You can't have your cake and eat it too, Chase."

And then he's gone.

I sigh and fall backwards onto my bed again. This is ridiculous. I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it too- I just don't trust Jordan. But I still want him.

I basically just sit in my room and think for the rest of the day, since it's extremely difficult to focus on anything else, but I can't come to an actual resolution. Well, except for determining that everything feels ten times more overwhelming and impossible when I don't have Levi. Monday comes, and I immediately go to find Levi at his locker. He raises an eyebrow. "Are you going to stop toying with his emotions yet?"

"I'm not toying-" I sigh. "I'm not trying to hurt him, Levi."

"Are you sure? Because it seemed a lot like you were in the fighting-with-Jordan headspace yesterday."

"I'm not. I'm just-" I take a breath. "I'm scared that he is."

Levi looks at me for a moment, biting his lip. "Well, I'm glad that you can admit it. Can you see, though, that what you did yesterday- kissing him, then ignoring him, with no explanation- was kind of mean?"

"Yeah, I get it." I run a hand through my hair. "I just don't know how to deal with him. I don't know what to expect."

"But now that you're aware of it, you're not going to let that drive you to make stupid decisions?" Levi prompts, and I grin at him a little.

"Well, no promises, but it'd probably be easier if you're around to keep me in check."

He rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. "Fine. But expect me to seriously lecture you if you do anything dumb."

"Don't worry, I've gotten pretty used to that."

He smacks my shoulder, and I smirk.

When I finally go to bio, Jordan looks a little stiffer than usual. He's wearing a mild glower as he stares straight ahead. Naturally, it feels like this display of anger is targeted towards me. Because I ignored him yesterday?

Lunch hour comes around, and he doesn't look at me without a lazy scowl across his face. It looks like the expression has been etched into his face all morning. He doesn't talk to me either- not unless I talk to him first, I learn when I ask if he wants to do one part of our first lunchtime task or if he'd prefer the other. He says he doesn't care, which also feels like it's aimed at me.

By the end of the day, he's made it abundantly clear that he's not going to have anything to do with me unless I go to him first. I'm caught between yelling at him (Do I really have to initiate everything now?!) and kissing him, because my yearning for him is only escalating. It eased off a little during my fight with Levi, but now...

Tuesday comes, goes, and Wednesday, and my mounting desperation to touch him again, kiss him again, feel him against me again- all of it is building up. I can't help but wonder when my breaking point is- it doesn't feel far off. When I see him, my first instinct is to pull him against me. I only stop myself because he doesn't seem interested. But... if he's waiting for me to initiate everything else...

So, what do you think? Is Chase's apprehension justified, or is Levi right? Do you agree with both of them? Or neither? Why? Let me know! Do you think Jordan's reaction at school is valid? Do you have any predictions for what might happen in the next chapter? Let me know in the comments!

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