Memoria. | Kozume Kenma

04

I glance at our classmates when I heard laughter everywhere, all of them seems to get along except for us. My eyes stop at Honami and Maki, they were both worriedly looking at me, I just smile at them and they furrowed their brows. I'm jealous of my friends, they're sitting together and they're partners, while I'm stuck with someone I'm not even close to. But really though, I thought that we were getting a lot more comfortable with each other.

I continue writing about my feelings on my journal, jotting them down helps ease the stress in me, it's something a psychotherapist had taught me before. I used to get treatment, only lasted for five months though; I stopped because I became friends with Maki and Honami. But back then, before I became their friend, life was hell to me. I only befriended them as a homework given by the therapist, I never expected us to get this far.

I would never smile, laugh, speak, cry.. I was a mess before I had my best friends. I was a nobody, I was trash, a huge disappointment to my family. My parents always tried talking to me, helping me get out of the cage of being suppressed by my emotions. With my best friends' help, I got out, and when I got out, I started having anxiety attacks over everything. I became a perfectionist. I wanted to look good in front of my friends, I had to be smart, I had to be the top student; but Maki and Honami didn't like that me, they told me to act the way I act when I'm alone. I had to show them who I really was, and now I'm me.

The bell rings; time for break. The teacher said a few things which I completely disregarded, I'm not in the mood for anything. Kenma rises from his seat, leaving the room; as soon as he left my friends came over to me. Honami takes a seat beside me, hugging me and leaning her forehead on my shoulder.

"Did you guys speak to each other? Like maybe, a word or two?" Maki asks and I shake my head, seeing both of them frown. I remember that he wrote something, I hand her the paper and she gasped. "He said sorry! Why aren't you accepting his apology?" I raise my brow at her reaction, why is she so disappointed?

"I don't want to. You know how that goes, they'd apologize and do the same thing. That happened to me already, I'm not taking any chances of that happening again." I retort, sounding like I was mad at how she's desperate about me accepting his apology. "I can't let the same thing happen to me again." Honami frowns and angrily looks at me, she looks like an angry baby.

"He's being sincere, what the heck? I can really tell that he's guilty, and not like that friend of yours from before. Don't you even see or feel how guilty he is?" Honami asks, I think I'm the one they want to feel guilty. "(Y/n), I swear." I chuckle at how she looks, only earning glares from both of them.

"He's here, let's go Honami." Maki and Honami gives me a kiss on the cheek, giving me forced smiles as they went back to their seats.

I glance at him before trying to take a nap, but to no avail, he's all that I could think of. I rise from my seat, going out to buy myself something to drink. I stare at the vending machine in front of me, looking at all the beverages that was in it. I went for a carton of milk, getting myself three of them to make me fall asleep. Milk always helps.

There was still a few minutes before the next teacher will come into our classroom. I lean on the wall, watching other students live their life. I crumple the box to squeeze out remains of the milk, throwing it to the bin on my right. I drink another one, finishing it after a few sips. Ugh this isn't really helping me get my mind off him.

He saved my ass again, is he trying to make me feel guilty? He said sorry and he tried to help me out with the teacher. That's just a part of it. He'll use that up to his advantage. He will befriend me after saying sorry, then he will do the same thing. I don't want that. I would rather not forgive him than have myself fall for the same trick again. I look at the time, only a minute left. I run back to class, avoiding eye contact when he glanced at me.