Embrace The Suck

Give me a Sign

Age 6 was when the fuckery all started. It was this age she sat in the bathroomdepressed and pushing her newly forming breasts flat against her ribcage tryingto make her chest flat again. That was also the year she heard an adult female speakwith a high pitch voice.

 Not having the words for why it made her uncomfortableshe was triggered and thought "I will die if my voice sounds like that. Is thatwhat Christians sound like? I need to deepen my voice asap!" so she did, andshe felt more comfortable

. When she was younger her mom let her dress masculineuntil it was time for something fancy or required a more dressed up look.it wasthis time that Amber's mom made her wear a blouse. This wasn't new and Amberalways hated it. She just didn't have words for why it made her uncomfortable at the time. She put on the blouse and looked in the mirror.

 She remembered thinking to herself "I feel like a monkey stuffed into a blouse." When ever something like that event was over Amber would rush and quickly change back into her masculine clothes to feel more herself. 

Amber sat back quietly and remembered when her and her female friends would play the game house, she would always decide to be a male character and never thought about why it just felt right to her.

 She enjoyed hanging out with guys more and always tried to be "one of the guys". She never was. She would hang around her brother and his friends because she related more to their discussions and enjoyed watching them play a board game with dragons, knights and elvish warriors. She would also watch them play call of duty or shooting games in general.

 They seemed more fun and more her taste then the games she had at the time. She would wear masculine superhero shirts and would get upset if someone called her the feminine version of the person she was wearing saying loudly "I'm Superman or Spiderman." 

Still her parents thought she was female, or they feared she was losing her feminine side and tried to enforce. She felt lost like a stranger in her own body and thought this isn't mine. She touched her hair this isn't mine. If I could, I would cut my hair short. Things fell into but out of place for her.

Even as an adult she hated her chest and wished it were flat. But is worried about how dangerous top surgery is but at the same time is desperate to be rid of the lumps on her chest. 

She always hated being referred to femininely with words such as brava or ma'am. It drove her crazy. She hated dressing even slightly more feminine it made her feel depressed and anxious. A lifetime of this shit she thought I hated

. She started to watch YouTube more and found a guy named Mike Kenna he talked about being a trans male and it all clicked for her. But she was terrified to say anything about it. So, she held it in.