The New American Dream

Part Three: After | Chapter Twenty-One

Quick trigger warning before you read: There are explicit mentions of self-harm in this chapter. If you can't deal with that DON'T READ. I'll put a little summary of what happened in this chapter at the end of it, so you know what happens in this chapter without having to read this. There are NO self-harming scenes in this chapter. No actual self-harming, just mentions of it, Allie ALMOST harms herself. Read at your own caution

_______________

My promise to call Dan whenever I felt the need to cut myself was tested rather shortly after. I had managed to get through an entire week of not hurting myself, with great difficulty by the way. I clung onto my promise like mad and I didn't want to show weakness that quickly.

But one week later, about a week from Nate's birthday, I hit rock bottom once again. I definitely didn't deal well with the reduced dosage of my medication and the need to hurt myself to deal with my life like it was before the medication was definitely increasing.

It was a Friday night, the day had been a bit exhausting, just like the entire past week, but since my dosage had been reduced every day had been exhausting. As it was already 1 a.m. I was reluctant to call Dan.

I was on the floor of my room, all my lights had been dimmed. The blade was already in my hand and I kept staring at it, looking from my wrist to the blade. Several times I had already put it on my skin, but never cut down.

You made a promise.

But it was already so late.

You made a promise.

But then he would see how weak I was.

You made a promise. He won't see you as weak. He offered it because he cares about you.

And then I had gone and ruined it. I hadn't noticed him being salty in any way about me not telling him about Mark and my feelings for Nate, but still I thought he had been a bit more distant. Maybe I had been imagining it but I was still reluctant to call him now.

Call him, what will he say if he sees the fresh cuts? And you didn't call him? That will only break hist trust further.

But would he even see them? I'd hide them underneath my sleeve and my bracelets.

He'll check for them now. Just. Call. Him.

What if he wasn't even awake? It was so late.

He said to call him at any point of the day, fucking hell just call him already!

With a noise of effort I dropped the blade and blindly grabbed behind me for my phone, it was somewhere on the bed. With shaking finders I opened WhatsApp and asked him whether he was still awake.

It took a good five minutes, I already thought he was asleep, but then he texted me back, saying that he was awake.

With a weird feeling in my stomach I clicked on the button to dial.

He picked up immediately. "Allie?" he asked with suspicion in his voice. He did sound sleepy. Had I woken him up? Or kept him from falling asleep? What if I had interrupted anything?

"I'm keeping my promise," I said with an effort. "The one I made to you on New Year's Eve."

"Oh," he said. "How can I help you?"

"How can you help me? I don't know, you were the one that told me to call you before I hurt myself." Maybe calling hadn't been the right decision after all.

"Well, that's true," he admitted. "Allie, take a deep breath okay?"

"Take a deep breath? Really Dan? That's all you can come up with?"