All's Not Lost

Starting All Over

        Grateful for a smoke, I took the cigarette and she lit it for me. "That's a really cool lighter. You into Hendrix?" I asked. She scoffed. "Who isn't? The man was a musical genius." "Favorite song?" "Between May This Be Love and Little Wing." I nodded my head in approval. "I feel kind of special being from the same place he is." "You should. You visit his grave?" she asked. "Did I? Only a bunch of times." I said.

        She sat down on the curb beside me and watched the cars pass. "I'm Kurt." I said holding out my hand. "Kate." she said placing her hand in mine and giving it a shake. "You here to pick someone up?" I asked. "No just here for my six month checkup." "Well you look healthy. Skinny but healthy." i said with a laugh.

        Kate laughed. "That's what everyone says. You'd think being a model they'd like me for that reason and it'll be the only place I can be myself without being judged but no, not even there." "I've been there." she reached out and pinched my side. "Yeah you're pretty skinny too." I chuckled. "No, not that. But I know what it's like to be constantly scrutinized for being who you are."

        "I wish I could be as bold as you to just say fuck you, leave you me alone, but they kind of frown upon a model saying more than three words." "Well I frown upon people not being able to speak their mind. It's moments like these when I realize I hate being in the public eye that makes me happy I quit the band." I said.

        "I knew it was only a matter of time." Kate said. I looked over at her. "What do you mean?" "I've never even met you before but even when I see you on T.V. I could tell you weren't happy. It wasn't exactly a secret." "No I wasn't. Now I hope I can start over and be a normal person without people giving a damn who I am." I said.

        "Well you're in L.A now. On one hand there's a lot of people you can blend into on the street but this paparazzi city. Someone's bound to spot you. I'm surprised they haven't come for you already." Kate said. "I wish Krist would come for me." "Is he supposed to pick you?" "Yeah hours ago. I wonder where he could be."

        Kate grew quiet as she put her cigarette out on the ground. "Are you guys on good terms?" I shrugged. "I guess...he doesn't come to see me but we've talked on the phone a few times." I said. "A few times? Didn't they say you've been here since last year?" "How do you know so much about me?" "I love music. Anything music related I see on the TV I stop and watch it. They used to talk about you a lot." Kate said.

        "Do you actually listen to my music?" "Mostly just Bleach and Insesticide." "What's wrong with the others?" Kate smiled. "The honest truth?" "Brutally honest. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings." I said. "Well to me it kind of feels like the others, Nevermind especially, were really commercial." 

        A smile slowly crept up on my face. I'll be damned. There are people in the world that aren't mindless puppets like everyone else. I thought. Not only does she understand the difference between real music and commercial music, but she actually hates commercial music. I never thought I'd find another woman besides Courtney who's like that...at least I thought Courtney was like that. Turns out she's just like the rest of them.

        I turned and looked at her again. Now that I get a better look she is pretty in a natural kind of way. I couldn't tell if she was wearing makeup which is a good thing. And she didn't seem like much of a model to me. Thin, yes, but she was different. My stomach began to twist in knots. Oh no, not again. I thought I was done with this when I married Courtney. No more dating or liking women. I had the one woman I was going to be with for the rest of my sad life and now that she's over I feel the annoying urge to start over. Curse you human need for love and someone to share your life with. I thought.

        "Kurt? You alright?" "Huh? Oh sorry, yeah, fine. I spaced out a little, I'm sorry." I said. "I hope I didn't offend you." "Not at all. I'm actually glad you said that. Your on my list of favorite people now." she smiled at me then began looking up at the sky. "It's getting dark now." "You have to go? Will your parents be mad if you're out too late with a strange man?" I joked.

        She narrowed her eyes at me. "I am twenty-one I don't need my parents permission. Besides they'd have to come all the way from England to give me a spanking and I'm not sure it's worth the trouble." she placed her hand on my forearm. Immediately I felt goose bumps rise on my skin. I felt the urge to jerk my arm away but I'm glad I didn't. She might take that as I didn't like her.

        "I hope your friend shows up to get you. I'll be back in a few hours and if he's not here you're coming home with me. I don't want you to just sit out here all night in the cold." Kate said. I nodded my head. She got up and went to her car. She opened the car door and started to get in. She smiled to herself then looked back up at me. "I kinda hope I see you again." she said. I smiled back. "Me too." She got in the car and I watched her drive off.

        She was right it was getting dark and cold. I wrapped my arms around myself hoping it would help but it barely did. I couldn't stop thinking about Kate. It was so refreshing to meet a pretty young woman who loves music, hates the way people judge and commercialize music, and is nice enough to offer me a place to stay. She's so much different from Courtney and other women of my past. Kate and Kurt. That has a nice ring to it. I thought.

        I finally got tired of waiting outside and went back into the clinic. I checked the time. Almost nine o'clock. Krist wouldn't stand me up. He's probably just held up in traffic or at the airport. I laid down on the couch in the common area. I'll just take a short nap and before I know it he'll be standing over me telling me to get my butt in the car.

        But when I woke up it was close to eleven o'clock and Krist wasn't standing over me but Kate was. "Come on, Kurt, let's go." "But he said he would come." I mumbled sleepily as I got up. "I know, I know." she said as she wrapped her arm around my waist and guided me out to the car. "Where are we going?" I asked as I rubbed my eyes. "To my apartment. You'll be comfortable there."