hoping this cold blue water scrubs me clean and spits me out again

9.

•••

It's a Sunday afternoon, sleet is falling steadily just outside the windows, and they're still in bed. Louis sits cross-legged on the mattress, braiding and unbraiding Harry's hair, fingers slipping through his dark curls. Bruce is curled up at his side, tail thumping against his leg. Harry's playing an album by one of his terrible indie bands over the speaker on the dresser. It's kind of nice.

Letting go of Harry's hair for a moment, Louis presses his face into the back of Harry's neck, flushed with heat even in this chilly November weather.

"What about kids?" he asks after a long time. Harry's posture straightens a little, and Louis smiles grimly. It's not like he expected any less.

"Lou," he croaks, turning halfway and Louis can already see that his eyes are glassy. "Don't."

And normally Louis would just drop the conversation there, whispering I'm sorry over and over again into Harry's skin and sucking an apology bruise onto the side of his neck before going back to playing with his hair, but instead he just sits on his shaking hands, bites his lip and tries again. "But, like...you know, if we were. To have kids, I mean. Names. I know we've discussed them, but I need to know. And, like, which one would be head over heels for you and which one I'd corrupt and take out for ice cream after tea. Please, Harry. I just. It's stupid, but," Louis pauses, fiddling with the sleeves of his - Harry's - jumper and attempting to gauge Harry's expression. "I just feel like it's something I want to know, before. You know." His voice isn't any higher than a whisper by the last word, but he's still proud.

Harry sits quietly for a long time, almost eerily still as he gazes out the window at the storm beyond, storm clouds grey and kraken-cruel. Finally, so quietly Louis' sleepy brain almost doesn't pick it up, he says, "You would manage to corrupt them, wouldn't you?" The corners of his lips quirk up slightly.

Louis nods, almost too enthusiastic. "Of course I would. And you'd be the parent who fucking blends up spinach and puts it in brownies, and we'd all compliment you on how good they are because we love you too much to crush your dreams like that." This earns a small chuckle from Harry, much to Louis' delight. "But then afterwards I'd take them out for sundaes with extra whipped cream and fudge and they'd come home with ice cream all over their faces but they'd never tell you the truth, because I'm the cool parent." He grins devilishly, wrapping his arms around Harry and tugging him back, back, back until they're lying side by side, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip.

"We'd get another dog, maybe. Or a cat. Name it Felix," Harry says, closing his eyes and smiling fondly. "God, the kids would love you. I mean, they'd love me too, but they'd fucking adore you, Lou."

Louis can't contain his grin, tucking his face into Harry's shoulder. It takes him a little while to calm down the giddiness he's got growing in his belly, heart fluttering. "They'd love you, though,"

he says finally. "Whenever they were sad or scared they'd go to you first. You'd be the one up the second they would start crying in the middle of the night, all ready to rock them and sing them back to sleep with your terrible indie music." The words don't come out like he'd intended them to - it's getting harder to find the words he's looking for, but he can't let Harry know that.

Harry moves so he's lying on his side, leaning on his elbow and facing Louis, grinning like mad. "I guess I would. God," he laughs, tipping his face towards the ceiling fan. "It would be chaos. All the time. We'd need a bigger house. Like...way bigger."

"Of course," Louis agrees. "How else would we be able to fit in all that chaos?" He purses his lips, thinking. "And the holidays. The holidays would be the best. The whole house would be covered in tinsel and lights and the kids would make those tacky reindeer with googly eyes and paper clips and we'd buy Santa hats for all the animals in the house."

"And we'd have a tree, a big one. Even bigger than the one we have now," Harry says, eyes a little glazed like he's somewhere else. "And even then it'd be a struggle to fit everyone around it."

Louis nods happily. "Yeah, of course. And of course we'd have to invite the boys. And Perrie and Sophia and your mum and Gem and Robin and all of my family, too. All the girls." He smiles but feels tears prickling at his eyes when he pictures all his sisters and his two little brothers crowded around a tree, Harry's arm around him with a plethora of curly-haired, giggling children practically hanging off of them with the boys looking on fondly.

Harry notices immediately, and tries to steer the conversation away from that particular topic. "And on Halloween you'd be the one to go all out. All those bloody expensive animatronics to scare the shit out of all the trick or treaters."

Louis feels like his heart is going to burst, and he also feels really tired all of a sudden, eyelids heavy and he struggles to keep them open. "Mhm," he hums, feeling sleepy and happy as he snuggles deeper under the down comforters, shuffling to get closer to Harry until their chests are pressed flush together. Harry runs a hand through Louis' hair affectionately and Louis sighs happily, letting his eyes fall all the way shut, mumbling, "Keep talking."

Harry shifts so he can tuck Louis' head under his chin, hands wrapped protectively around his waist, and keep talking he does. "And of course you'd be raising them, too, so they wouldn't turn out to be ridiculous klutzes like me. You'd probably teach them all to skateboard with Zayn, wouldn't you, boo?" Louis merely makes a tiny noise of agreement, face buried in Harry's chest.

"You'd be such a good dad. Fuck, Lou. So fucking good." Harry sniffles a little before continuing, voice coming out raw and it makes Louis want to cry, too.

Harry is still talking but Louis is already drifting off, visions of curly-haired, green-eyed little children lingering in his mind and if Harry's ramblings get cut off with a soft, sudden choking sob, Louis just squeezes his eyes shut tighter and pretends not to notice.

•••