when you love
and he may leave
don't mistake love for anything else; if you find you are indeed wrong, the corners of your chest will contract. it'll hurt.
know that everywhere he touches you, he leaves whispers of himself. and when it's four a.m. and you're curled in a ball, your very existence pricking you, it's his missing hands you will feel.
don't let him kiss you in any beautiful places; it will take a whole move to escape the ghosts left behind in your absences, in the places your bodies used to tangle.
you'll forget many things. you'll forget to get your paperwork signed, to close the window, to practice your piano. but be careful-- you'll never quite forget the way his hands traced your hips, the way your breathing slowed to match his. you'll remember how he loved pokemon and hated mushrooms; you'll remember precisely the way he tilted his head, closed his eyes, and smiled when you said something funny. oh, and you'll wish him a happy birthday. every year. you know when it is.
don't remember dates; don't do it. they'll plague you, the square on the calendar reaching up and smacking you in the face. don't remember dates because every year you'll think of the things that could have been.
don't write about him. don't associate music with him. good songs are easily ruined by terrible people, and he doesn't deserve your pretty words. they'll haunt you, i promise. the feeling will rush back. you will stagger. it will be a while before you can smile at them, perhaps with a tear, glad that you are capable of feeling such things.
wash him out of your clothes, quick
it will be a very long time before you can love again. the scars he left are too deep, both on your heart and your wrist.
BUT YOU WILL.
and he will hurt you even then.
but that's no excuse; you are here to love. you are here to spill your soul and lend your heart. you don't deserve to be hurt by someone who now only barely roams your mind.
so when you find another set of beautiful brown eyes to look into, and-- God forbid-- you know you've fallen all over again,
go into it blindly. it's all you were born with, your head and your heart. love's a price you both have to pay, but only you get to decide if it's worth it.
but remember this. you are older, stronger, better, wiser.
hold that thought.
hold it even as he holds you.
