Lone Wolf [Discontinued]

Chapter 18

TW: Blood, self-harm, self-deprecating thoughts, slight gore, censored swearing

Friday had passed with only minor difficulties. So, now, it was Saturday afternoon. I had decided to just hide in my room all day, since today didn't seem like a fun day for social interaction. I was laying on my bed just... staring.

I stared at my bandaged arm. I'd say that it was a rather nicely bandaged arm. Well, it makes sense with years of practice from injuries from patrol and, y'know, the reason it's bandaged right now. I've gotten quite a bit better at it since the first time... The first time was a doosie, dosie? How do you spell that? Oh, doozy. That makes sense.

Anyways, that first time I had done it was... Wait, I already said that. It was before the events that happened when the Vulture came to town, before Civil War even. About a whole year before then (well, about one year and six months.) I don't know why I even keep track anymore. It's not like anyone is going to ask "when did you start self-harming?" Ok, let's try and stay on topic.

It had been yet another extremely crappy day at school. I couldn't stand how my emotions always left me down in the dumps, and, well, I don't know anyway to fix that. I kept walking back towards our apartment. Peter was hanging out at Ned's house for a sleep over. Aunt May and Uncle Ben would also be home in... a couple hours. Well, unless they were still at home.

I walked up the long flight of stairs to our apartment so that I could be sure that I wouldn't run into anyone, since most people generally took the elevator. I unlocked the door to our apartment and stepped inside to see that no one was home, as expected.I walked into the kitchen, like normal.

I put my bags down on the table, and looked over at the silverware to decide what I needed if I were to get a snack. That's when I got the stupidest idea I have ever had in my whole 13(?) years of living. Wait... I know my age. Why am..? Whatever. I did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life that changed me forever. Now, take in mind that Pete and I have done many, many, many stupid things. So, saying that this is the stupidest means a lot.

I abandoned my earlier intentions of getting a snack and walked into the bathroom. I sat down on the floor, facing the cabinet, for a minute before I opened the cupboard and got out a razor. I fiddled around with it for a minute before I got the blade out. This.. this should do.

I picked myself up off the floor and placed my left arm on the counter. I held my blade in my right hand, hovering over my left arm. I had never cut before. I had... other methods such as safety pins and just tracing knives against my arm, but I had never actually cut. Well, there's a first time for everything.

My right hand was shaking as I placed the blade on my arm. I held it there for a second, my brain telling me not to apply any pressure. I really didn't want to do this, but.... the safety pin and other less severe self-harm helped. So, if I was having a really bad day and nothing else was working, I just needed to crank up the power, or, in this case, the severity of the injuries. Yeah, this would probably work. Besides, not like I really care what happens to me at this point. I did say I would never cut though. Who cares anymore? Oh right. No one gives a f*ck about my life.

I looked down at my now shaking hand over my bare arm. I inhaled slowly, in an attempt to calm my racing heart and irregular breathing, before applying a tiny bit of pressure to the blade. Slowly I felt it dig into my skin, and, eventually, I felt it pierce my skin. I hissed in pain at the small cut. I dragged it across my arm, from one side to the other.

A few tears welled in my eyes at the pain that the blade had caused. It hurt so frickin' bad. At the same time though, it felt good. It was distracting, and caused me to forget about the h*ll of the day I had. And, seeing myself hurt was... oddly satisfying? If that's even the right way to describe it. I deserve it.