I woke up, for the first time in a long time, not shaking or sweating. The dream void from my mind. This losing weight thing must be improving my mind as well as my body. The ABC diet has been going well, I've survived the first two weeks, but holy fuck it's hard. I'm not sure how long I can keep going. It's been pretty hard to concentrate in my math class, because all I can think about is lunch, and in art at the end of the day, all I can think about is getting home and having dinner. I find myself doing all my school work at home while I eat dinner.
As long as I'm losing weight, I'll be fine. It's May 25th and I've gone from 167lbs to 155lbs. I'm so close to my goal weight, then I'll be perfect and I can go back to my life before it happened.
March 2nd
Dear journal,
Today is pizza day at my school. I'm so, so incredibly hungry. Today is a fasting day, of course. Today of all fucking days. Everyone around me is eating. Shoving the big, greasy, dirty, brown, cheesy, delicious pieces of pizza down their throats. Don't they know? Don't they know how many calories are in 1 single fucking piece? I have a calorie app on my phone. For this specific brand, one piece is 500 calories. Dear god. Yet everyone can't wait to get their second piece, third piece. I see some of the fat girls and football players getting their fourth and fifth pieces.
My mouth is watering. I'm so disgusting. I'm such a dirty pig for wanting it that bad. But that's just who I am, I'm a dirty hog that wants bad things. A beautiful, perfect girl would not ask for pizza, for sex. She wouldn't be such a pig. Such a whore.
Too many feelings and memories are coming back to me. My brain turns off, and my elephant legs thump down the cafeteria, towards the line. By now there is hardly anyone left. This fat, elephant stranger orders 5 pieces of pizza. She gets the leftovers, the cold, greasy, slimy, rotting pieces. She sits down, not caring who sees, and shoves it all down her throat. By the time she's done, she's got grease around her lips. She burps as a guy walks by and whispers "Careful porky, I wouldn't want you to choke." His friends laugh. That's when I" realize what I've done. I've ruined it. I've ruined it all. All my hard work is gone. I feel sick, and I run to the wash room. I'm gagging over the toilet bowl when I think how easier it'd be if I could just throw up. Then I wouldn't feel so sick. That's when I feel my fat fingers ripping the back of my throat open. And suddenly it all spews out, like a fountain. I flush once I'm done. I feel as light as a feather. I feel amazing. It's all gone now. I feel more energized then I've felt in weeks. I decide to skip my last 2 periods and go for a jog.
After my jog, I end up at the public library, on that website. thethinlife, of course. I found a forum, one that I'd never thought about looking through before. It's called "Mia, Bingers and Purgers"
There I find out things I never knew were possible. Laxatives, vitamins, how to hide purging, etc. I wish I'd known this before, I thought to myself. I think I'll go to the drug store to pick up some lazatives. Just in case, I don't plan of purging ever again. I'm not like that, I'm better then that. Cleaner... right?
YOU ARE READING
Stop: A Short Story
Teen FictionThis is a very personal story to me, about a teenage girl that goes through a lot. She's raped, struggles with an eating disorder, and battles with an abusive mother.
