Random

Incorrect Lams Quotes 27

***

John: *opens the refrigerator door*
John: *takes out an empty milk carton*
John: Who keeps putting back empty cartons? Just throw them away it's not that hard-
John: *proceeds to put back the milk carton and walk away*

***

John, to Philip and Frances: I know you two snuck out last night-
Philip: What really? No you c-
Philip, pointing at nothing: Oh wow, is that a three legged chicken? Hold on better go check that out-
Philip: *leaves room*
John, looking directly at Frances: Just tell me where you went and why and I'll let you go-
Frances, shifting in her seat: You know I think I'll go check out that chicken-

***

[Alex and John trying to turn the lights back on after the power goes out]

Alex: Stay here, I'll flip some switches to see if it does anything-
*after a while*
Alex: Are they on yet-
John: I don't know it's too dark to tell-

***

John: *tucking Timmy into bed*
Timmy: Dada can you close the the closet door? I'm scared of the monsters-
John: What makes you think monsters can't open doors?
*later*
Timmy: *sleeping in Alex and John's bed*
Alex, sarcastically: Great job Jonathan-

***

Tour guide: *showing the family around the hiking trail*
Angie: *points near a tree*
Angie: Isn't that poison ivy?
Tour guide: Yes, you can identify poison ivy by counting the leaves. If there's three, don't touch it-
John: *reaches out and touches the poison ivy*
Alex: John what are you doing? He just said don't touch that!
John: He said not to touch it if it had three, so I'm taking one off. Now it's two-
Alex:
Philip: Well he's not wrong-

***

Alex: Angie you haven't touched your food-
Angie: I touched it. Look, I moved my eggs from there to here-

***

Alex: I am at lost for words!
John, narrating: Despite being lost for words, Alex yelled at me for the next 45 minutes-

***

John: *signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen*

***

John, dumping out a shopping bag full of Lunchables onto the table: Tonight, we feast-
Alex: I-

***

Alex, reading the back of a cake mix box: 🎵 Do we got the eggs?🎵
John: *pulls eggs out of the refrigerator* 🎵 Yeah we got the eggs! 🎵
Alex: 🎵 Do we got the milk? 🎵
John: 🎵 Yeah we got the- *tries to pull milk out, knocks over the shelf in the refrigerator*

***

Alex, watching the news: Some idiot tried to fight a squid-
John, covered in ink: Well maybe the squid was being a jerk-

***

[John making friends at the store]

Lady: All of my kid's snacks and meals are organic-
John: Cool, my kids lick food off the floor-

***

John: Perhaps I will drink my sadness away-
John: *opens Capri sun*

***

Philip: *hanging from the balcony* ᵖʷᵉᵃˢᵉ ʰᵉˡᵖ ᵐᵉ ᵒʷᵒ
Frances: *stepping on his fingers* ᵖᵉʳᶦˢʰ
John: *running outside and grabbing Philip* WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU GUYS DOING-

***

John: I was trying to say "c'est la vie" but I forgot the phrase and so long story short I shrugged and said "livin la vida loca"-

***

Alex: Hoodies are one of the most powerful and underappreciated articles of clothing-
Alex: Cold? Put on a hoodie-
Alex: Raining? Put on a hoodie-
Alex: Nothing to wear? Hoodie-
Alex: Cripplingly low self esteem? You guessed it-

***

John: Your shoes are on backwards-
Frances:
John:
Frances:
John:
Frances: But I don't have any other feet???
John: Fair enough-

***

Alex: That giant box is John's gift for me?
Eleanor: Yep-
Alex: He's inside isn't he-
Eleanor: Yep-

***

John, laying next to Alex who is asleep: Nice-
Alex, still asleep: *cuddles closer to John*
John, holding back tears: N I C E-

***

John: Look at the butterfly Koda!!
Koda: *eats the butterfly and runs off*
John: No! NO! NOO!! KODA! K O D A!!!

***

Alex: How did none of you hear what I just said?
John: I've been zoned out for the last two and a half hours-
Philip: I got distracted about halfway through-
Frances: Ignoring you was a conscious decision-

***

Angie: Why does Papa wear make up?
John: To look pretty-
Angie: But he's already pretty-
John: Aww-
Angie: Dad you should wear make up-

***

Alex: Hit or miss✊😔 I guess they never miss, huh?😏🙏💪 You got a boyfriend,👬 I bet he doesn't kiss ya💏🙅 He gon' find another girl👫and he won't miss ya😭 He gon' skrrt💪and hit the dab like Wiz Khalifa😏👅
John, sobbing: What does that even mean-

***

John: I think turtles are a big threat to our national security-
Alex: ...may I ask why-
John: No-

***

Alex: Can you pick up milk?
John: *lifts gallon* Yea it's pretty easy-
Alex: No I mean from the store-
John: I would imagine it weighs the same there too-

***

John: Here is my wall of inspirational people-
Alex: Is that a picture of you-
John: I'm big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself-

***

Alex: H-
John: 💕💞💘💖💗💜❤️💚💓💝✨💙❣️💟💓💗💖💘💕❣️💝💞💜❤️💛💚🏩💒😊🌟✨🌸🌺🌺✨💝💗💚💙💕👌🏾💕✨💜💛🌸❣️🌟💛💙👄😍😘💚❤️❣️🙈🙊🦋🦄🌞🌻🌼🙏🏾❤️❣️💕💘💖💗💓

***

John: Isn't that my shirt?
Alex: *wearing a shirt that goes down to his knees* Not anymore-

***

John: Has anyone seen my husband?
Someone: What does he look like?
John, crying: BEAUTIFUL-

***

Alex: Is anybody else scared?
John: Not really. I've already lived longer than I expected-

***

John: I have the best idea-
John: My line of logic was "Well if I put the sponge in the blender, when I turn it on the sponge will spin around and scrub the blender for me so I don't have to spend ages cleaning it"-
John: That's not what happened though-

***

John: What do you think about space travel-
Koda:
John: I don't speak Spanish sorry-

***

[after Timmy was born]

John: Timmy won't help clean up the house-
Alex: He's a week old babe-
John: I know. He's been lazy long enough-

***