Clarke held up her hands, even though Luna's back was turned towards her. ''Never said I was shaming you,'' she said.
Luna scowled again, finally putting the graphite down with an ounce of anger that made it seem like she threw it instead, and she turned, glaring at Clarke. ''You implied it.''
''Haven't. No implications here.'' Clarke said, still holding up her hands. Luna's glare still bore holes into her head, but she seemed at least somewhat satisfied with her answer because she turned back to work on the food supply list. ''But...'' Clarke began, and that had caused Luna to whip her head around quicker than Lexa would've if she spotted prey in the forests, ''... don't you think that trying to recover our memories would be slightly more important than... this?''
Luna almost scoffed, and nearly threw the graphite down again. Pressed her hands against the counter lazily; eyed Clarke in anger. ''Our survival trumps our memories, Clarke. We have our priorities; yours is in the past, mine is for our future.''
When Clarke spoke again, she couldn't keep the exasperation out of her tone. ''What's the future if you don't know anything of the past? If you know nothing of what you've done wrong?'' And this Luna flickered her eyes sideways from Clarke as if deliberately ignoring her, and that had flared up her anger even more. ''Then you're just doing what's wrong over and over again, without even knowing it. Doing shit that you've done before that you don't need to do. Starting all over when you don't even need to!'' Clarke said, exasperated.
''But we do need to, Clarke,'' Luna snapped back, and that had caused her to visibly recoil. ''You live your life which your recovery of memories is eventual. In your eyes, it will—and must—happen. Have you ever thought of what will happen if we never recover our memories?'' And at this, Clarke exhaled and ran her fingers through her hair, and Luna kept her gaze stone, ''So if you'd stop lying to yourself with whatever trivial hope you have of getting your memories back, then help me.''
''I live my life where recovering our memories are eventual because I'm actively trying to find it,'' Clarke said. ''Because we're seeking for clues to our past—because we're making actual progress, and that will lead to something, no matter how little it is. You don't see me trying to live a life that isn't mine.'' she snapped—and as quickly as she'd said the words, she regretted it.
God, what did she just say?
But at that, Luna basically ignored her. And this Clarke stifled a frustrated sigh, and her eyes flickered away to the windows. Exhaled; tried to forget about the words that had exited her mouth.
The words had come out harsh; harsher than she'd intended. Even if Luna didn't seem to care much for the pasts, it wasn't as if she was trying to erase everything of who they once were. All Luna was doing was she wanted to survive more than she wanted her memories. And this, Clarke felt slightly sickened at herself. Why did she just say that?
God. And if she was being honest—all of them were living lives that weren't completely theirs, because, well, their memoryless selves had to be different from their memory selves. Just because Luna took that a little farther didn't mean she was living a life that wasn't hers because as far as they knew now, they were living the only lives they knew to have.
And just because didn't want to think about her past life, thought that survival was more important instead; didn't mean that she didn't want it.
Clarke exhaled, again, and her eyes returned to Luna, who had cast her eyes upwards and away to the side. She felt a familiar pang resonate in her heart. It was always there, whenever she looked at anything—the tug of a memory, the inkling of something that once was but she couldn't just reach—and although it had first become shocking, then grating, it had soon settled into a bundle of wistfulness and pining for something she didn't know once was.
Chapter 74
Start from the beginning
