Sugar, Butter, Flour, and Love

Chapter Twenty-One

I filed my fingers through Trace's hair, and the tenseness in his shoulders eased somewhat. "I'm sorry," I said quietly, "that sounds so awful. And I know there's nothing I can say to change what happened but I'm really glad you're alive right now. Not just because I have feelings for you and you're my boyfriend but because you're a good person, who's interesting, and who has value. And it's okay that you're half, it's good, it makes you, you."

Trace had tears in his eyes, and his voice was the softest I'd ever heard it, "You're so sweet." He rubbed at his eyes quickly and sniffled. "Give me a hug." He leaned heavily into my side and wrapped his arms around my waist. Most of the time Trace consoled and comforted me so I was relieved and proud that he saw me as someone he could be vulnerable in front of.

For the next little while Trace answered all my questions and painted a really sad picture of himself as a child. No one had ever seriously bothered him about his Japaneseness until that year, in grade seven, and he'd been jaded ever since. After he physically confronted the worst bully and broke the boy's nose, everything shifted. It was the first time he'd seen either of his parents cry—in sympathy of his situation. It was the most distant he and his sister had ever been. Even though nothing happened to the bullies both he and his sister transferred to another prestigious school, though it was not private. At first Trace had been constantly ready for a fight but once he realized no one had it out for him he settled well into the new school. Him and Nalini were in the same class and life was good. Up until the accident.

"What happened after that?" I asked quietly.

Trace was now leaning on my thighs and staring up at the ceiling. His eyes roved over to mine briefly. "More difficulties. But I was able to start walking again and get fitted for my prosthetic within six months. Within a year I was playing baseball, cricket and volleyball again. I was determined to be as normal as possible and I was happy I could still play sports. Maybe not as fast but just as good as before." He gave a tired smile. "So that's my childhood. What was yours like?"

I frowned. "Well, normal, I guess. I think I've always been anxious and worried about things. Both my parents are teachers but they're also West African immigrants. African parents don't really see mental health in the way they're supposed to. For a long time my mom thought I was just delicate. So she made little routines for me since I was a kid just to make me feel more stable. That helped a lot up until Cyrus starting travelling for basketball all the time. My grandparents are in Ghana and Togo, along with most of my relatives, so I slept over and stayed at Manny's place a lot, since our families were close. They were really kind in taking care of me. But I was always quiet, because I didn't want to intrude. But, I got to do the things I liked, like baking and basketball and I had Manny and my brother. Most of the time I was kind of anxious but happy."

Trace was quiet for a while. He blushed but maintained eye contact. "Have you ever had feelings for...Manny?"

I laughed. "Manny? No way. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm attracted to just any guy," I chastised Trace kindly.

Trace seemed relieved. "Yeah, that's true. You guys just seem close. Do you have a type?"

I chewed my lip. "Uh— I don't think so. I just like who I like. I don't think that deeply about it. You?"

Trace hesitated. "I've always had a thing for big guys. I always thought it was hot to be with someone bigger than me but who lets me take lead. Does that bother you?"

"Why would it bother me?"

"I don't want you to think I'm just into you because you're big, tall, and muscular, even if I like all those things."

I laughed, surprising myself that Trace being attracted to my appearance didn't bother me the way it did with Jeremy. "This is how I look, I'm glad you like it."But, talking about myself was always awkward so I changed the topic quickly. "Despite your childhood, are you happy now?"