Happy Thoughts (Frerard)

Chapter 23

Gerard’s POV

 

“Gerard, wake up!”

My head pounded, I clenched my eyes.

“Gerard come on, if you want coffee you have to get up now. The machine is broken so we have to head into town, but we have to be back here in time for Aunt Marie and Uncle Jeff.” Mikey pulled me up. “You slept a really long time…”

“Yeah,” I flicked the annoying morning strands of hair out of my face. “Let’s get that coffee…my head hurts.”

I changed my shirt and followed Mikey to the car.

On the way to the coffee shop Mikey threw the week’s plans at me, but due to the lack of caffeine, all I could do was nod and hope he’d repeat them as each day approached.

“And then we’ll have the funeral, and then the next day we can do anything really before I drop you off at the airport.”

The funeral. This was really happening, mom was really dead. I turned facing the window and followed the edge of the road with my eyes until we arrived.

“Hey, you can wait here. I know how you like it.” Mikey gave a dim smile before rushing inside.

I gazed around the parking lot, up and down the town streets, through the window of the coffee shop, and back to my hands that were placed lazily in my lap. It was nice to be in a small town, after living in a big city. It was still definitely a weird place, but welcoming nonetheless.

Mikey came back with my coffee and I couldn’t have been more appreciative. The caffeine instantly relieved my head and mood.

“Feel better?” He laughed as I sighed in relief, chugging down the coffee.

“Much.” I breathed between gulps. “So Mikey, we never finished that conversation yesterday.”

“What conversation?”

“About your new girlfriend,” I winked.

“Oh, yeah…that.” He leaned against the drivers door, putting his feet up over the seats. “Well you see, the funny thing is… I don’t actually have a girlfriend. I have a uh, boyfriend.”

I choked. “What? Really?”

“Yeah…” Mikey looked down at his coffee.

“Hey don’t be embarrassed, that’s great! I just never expected you to like a guy, thought that was only me.”

He laughed. “Yeah, no. I thought I was straight but he just pulls me in.”

“Who is it?” I thought as Mikey raised both eyebrows at me. “It’s Ray?”

“Yeah.”

“Aww, how sweet. Well I’m happy for you Mikes.” I smiled taking another sip.

“I don’t know how to tell dad.” He looked back down as his coffee again. “I mean, he never really accepted the way you are, I can’t imagine how he would react..”

“Well it doesn’t really matter what dad thinks. You like someone, he makes you happy. That’s all that matters. Dad may not have accepted me for who I am, but I’m still his son. He can’t change that.”

“I guess… It’s just seeing how distant you two are, I guess I just don’t want that to happen.”

“I know what you mean,” I sat up, leaning over. “But you can’t just lie to him forever. If you find later you really like him, you have to tell dad. You’re still going to be his son, he’ll still love you.”

Mikey nodded, and with that started the car and drove us home.

Not long after we got home, Aunt Marie and Uncle Jeff showed up. Mikey and I greeted them into the house until dad came into the living room. He looked so happy to see his sister, probably a relief from the loneliness.

“I’m so sorry for your boys’ loss,” Aunt Marie put her hand on Mikey’s shoulder. “We’re so terribly sorry. We’ll help out with the funeral and all that. You boys could use it.”

“Thank you, it means a lot.” I smiled dimly.

“Of course, Gerard. I’m so glad to see you sweetie, you haven’t been around much since you graduated high school.”

“Yeah, with regret too. But I've been working on comic writing, my work is getting pretty successful. I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t had much time to visit.”

“Yet able to visit when your mother dies…” Dad mumbled, still ticked at me.

I rolled my eyes to myself and kept quiet. This week was taking forever.

After dinner Mikey and I washed dishes until Ray showed up, and the three of us went into town for ice cream. I sat in a diner booth across from the two of them, watching as Ray fed Mikey the biggest bite of his sundae. Mikey giggled as he took the mouthful and Ray smiled at him with a mocking shake of his head.

They were disgustingly cute together. I hated it.

“Hey, I’ll be right back guys, have to use the bathroom.”

“Okay we’ll be here!” Mikey didn’t look away from Ray.

As soon as the door shut I could feel the fake smile melt away from my face. I walked over to the mirror and gave myself a long, steady stare. There were bags under my eyes, I looked paler than usual. There was an empty, sinking feeling in my stomach, almost like I was waiting for something to happen but it wasn’t going to. I missed my mom, I missed Frank. I was miserable.

I continued staring for about three minutes before my eyes started to water. “No, fuck not here…“

I turned on the sink and splashed cold water on my face. “I just have to endure it. Everything will be better soon.”

I dried my face and walked back over to Mikey and Ray, who had decided it was time we leave. I couldn’t argue, I wanted to be alone more than anything in that moment.

“Hey Gerard,” Mikey turned towards me as we were getting in the car. “We’ll drop you off at home but I’m gonna stay over at Ray’s tonight.”

“Oh, okay.”

I got home and walked through the dark house until I made it to Mikey’s room, falling face down on his bed. I didn’t even bother getting undressed. I wanted to just lay there and not think about anything, but I couldn’t keep Frank out of my thoughts.

Was he doing okay? I couldn’t believe I forgot my fucking phone charger.

Why can’t I even remember his number? Something with a lot of 4’s in it? Fuck, Gerard.

I turned onto my back and stared at the ceiling.

What if he thinks I’m mad at him, or what if he thinks my plane crashed…

I must have laid there for 2 hours thinking about Frank and feeling guilty. I wished there was some way I could hold him at that very moment.

He better be okay… I’ll never forgive myself otherwise.

~