Happy Thoughts (Frerard)

Chapter 6

Frank's POV

 

I walked back to the bathroom and stared in the mirror. I didn't really have to go, but I wanted a moment to myself. Not at all because I was getting sick of Gerard, in fact it was the very opposite.

Being around Gerard this much caused me such ecstasy, I needed a second to let my wide grin show. It's absolutely bizarre, how someone could be this nervous yet feel so comfortable at the same time around someone.

I hadn't had a friend in so long. I hadn't even had a neutral acquaintance. I had a sister, who was at the end of wanting to help, and parents, who didn't want anything to do with me. I was beyond lonely, but I wasn't so keen at the idea of letting anyone else enter my life. That was, at least, until I met Gerard.

Gerard was different. I hadn’t known him very long, but I was increasingly growing more attached to him. I wanted to become close with him, I wanted to be his best friend.

I washed my hands and returned to the living room couch.

"Pizza should be here soon," Gerard smiled. We held eye contact for a while before I spoke up.

"Uhh, Gerard?"

He was still smiling. "Yes, Frank?"

"Uhm…I uhh," I couldn't help but stutter. "I know you heard me, I mean, the other day, when you left the room and then came back."

Gerard's smile vanished as he turned away. He looked unsure what to say.

"I should probably explain…uhm, well, I kind of have this problem. Well, it's actually an illness. Uh, I'm actually…schizophrenic…"

There was a long pause before Gerard spoke. I couldn't have been more anxious to hear his reaction.

"I know Frank," he finally whispered through hardly parted lips.

"You do?"

"Yeah. I mean, I knew there was something different about you, I just couldn't place it. But now that you say it, it's sort of like I knew all along, like it was on the tip of my tongue."

I understood, but I was unclear whether he was supportive of it or not.

Gerard looked at me and noticed my discerned face. "Frank, I'm here for you always, okay?" He placed my hand inside of his in comfort. "I mean, I can't imagine how hard it is, but I'm going to be as supportive as I can."

"Thank you, Gerard, it really means a lot."

"Don't thank me, you're my friend. It should be expected." Gerard revealed a somber smile. "So…if you don’t mind me asking, do you have hallucinations?"

"Well, to an extent…" I paused for a moment, debating if I should explain or not. "I hear this voice in my head that tells me to do bad things to people. It puts me down a lot, dictates my life…" I dropped my face into my hands, feeling embarrassed.

Gerard wrapped an arm around me. I could feel my cheeks fill with red. His voice was comforting and low.

“It’s okay Frankie,” he pulled my head up and squeezed my hand. “So when you’re not hearing the voice, what else happens?”

"Well, most of the time I feel hazy, like I'm dreaming. It feels like my surroundings aren't physical, everything’s so surreal…” I paused, watching Gerard slowly run his thumb over the back of my hand. “When I go out in public, I have a constant paranoia that people are reading my thoughts. Sometimes it gets really bad and I have strong feelings that someone is spying on me or trying to kill me."

"But if you know they're just illusives caused by the illness, why do you still worry about it?"

"It's hard to explain… It's just, they're really strong feelings, like instincts. I know it's not real, but they’re just so strong that I can't ignore them. If you were being chased by a monster that you knew that wasn't real, you would still run, wouldn't you? Because you're still pushed by the instinct to?"

"Yeah, I suppose that makes sense." Gerard looked down at our hands, still held together.

There was a long pause before either of us spoke.

"So, the other day, when you yelled 'no', you were talking to the voice then?" Gerard asked quietly, still watching our hands.

"Yeah."

"What did it tell you?" He lifted his head, peering into my eyes.

"I uhh, uhm…do I have to answer that?" I really didn't want to.

"No! No pressure at all, you don't have to talk about anything sweetie." Gerard's grip tightened on my hand.

Sweetie. The word danced around in my head for a bit.

I hadn't talked to anyone about it other than my old therapists and psychiatrist. I've explained parts to Melissa, but not very much. Talking about it felt relieving, but was also a bit overwhelming.

I felt a lump in my throat, like a wad of gum was lodged in my esophagus. My eyes started to water. I threw myself towards Gerard, wrapping my arms around him and hiding my face in his shoulder. I couldn't restrain the ugly sobbing.

Fuck, how long had it been since I had a real hug? Not one of those fake, half hearted ones. It was emotionally refreshing. Hugging Gerard made my stomach feel like it was twisted in knots, but in a good way. It was just simply amazing.

Gerard's arms molded around my torso. "It's going to be okay Frank," he spoke softly. "I'm going to help you through this, okay?"

"Th-thank you, Ger-Gerard, thank you so much." My voice shook under the uneven sobs.

I stayed laying in Gerard’s embrace

"Hey Frank?" He pulled away, his hands on my shoulders.

"Yeah?"

Gerard slowly moved closer to me, biting his lip. He looked me in the eyes before fluttering his shut.

All of a sudden, the sound of the doorbell cut through the apartment interrupting whatever was about to happen.

Gerard opened his eyes and stood up. "Oh, must be the pizza, I'll get it."

I stared at the wall in front of me as Gerard exchanged with the pizza delivery guy.

What just happened? Was Gerard about to kiss me? I wasn't even sure if he was my friend yet, let alone attracted to me. Was I even attracted to Gerard? I mean, he was the first person I had grown a liking to in a long time. I did feel a certain way when I was around him, and I did find him absolutely beautiful both in looks and personality. I suppose I was very attracted to Gerard.

He walked back over to the couch and opened up the pizza, not speaking a word of what had just happened. But, as the warm essence filled the room, I was too hungry and shy to bring it up.

We ate the entire pizza by the time the movie was over. For the rest of the night we just talked about ourselves. Gerard told me about his comics and showed me some of his sketches. His comic was getting really popular, unsurprisingly. He’s so talented. I told him about how I used to play music, but had to sell all my guitars. I talked about Melissa and how she was slowly giving up on me, and how it was her I was avoiding. For the rest of the time he hadn't pulled anymore moves, if what happened earlier was even an attempt. By the time I decided I needed to head home it was too late to walk so I caught a bus ride, which Gerard insisted to pay for.

For the rest of the evening I couldn't get Gerard out of my head, unsurprisingly, since I had just spent the whole day with him. Just thinking about him kept my stomach in knots.

Why the fuck did you tell him so much about yourself? You’re a fucking idiot. You’re going to have to pay for this.

"Shit."

~