Answer To My Life

t w e n t y

There comes that wave of guilt again.

She could have told me.

Once she saw that I was too ignorant to figure out the truth, she could have said something. She let the double life go on for so long. She had so many chances and opportunities to just. . . Say it.

But she didn't.

I felt so much guilt toward these two individuals and I nearly let myself go insane with feelings and dreams. She didn't think about how that would affect me. I don't know if she even cared.

If I was telling her it was damaging, why couldn't she just try to see it from my perspective?

I don't think I offered her the same attitude that I wanted her to give me though, and that's also why I hate myself. I wish I could take it all back. I created a mess out of it.

Was that justified?

I try to get out of my thoughts and focus on my task at hand, studying for a history test that I couldn't care less about. Normally, I would shoot Marina a text and ask her a question about it. If I didn't understand, she would send me the answer and save me the time.

It hadn't necessarily saved my grade in history class, but it always made me feel better about myself.

I pull out my textbook from my blue backpack, and start turning to the pages that I can find the answer to one question to. On the way to page, a note slips out.

I grab it, and read it to myself, "hey, Idalia! You're going to do great on this test! Don't lose hope :)"

Underneath of the words is a doodle of a heart and flowers, then signed "Marina."

I'm not sure when she put it in there, but I don't care. I scrunch the paper up, and throw it in the silver trash can closest to me.

Like the clumsy fool I am, it doesn't even make it halfway. I angrily get up from my desk and stomp to the place where the stupid paper is.

I tear it up for good measure and shove the shreds of paper into the trash can.

There.

I'm not going to worry about a note that reminds me of Marina.

I will not fall into that trap.

Not again.

Except before I know it, I'm already crying and my mind is focused on Marina.

What is she doing right now? Does she miss me? Does she still hate me?

My last question is one that I both want and don't want the answer to. It's the kind of answer that can easily break your heart if you're not prepared for it.

I don't think I should hear it.

I try to wipe my tears away immediately, because I don't want to deal with my parents coming in my room and finding me like this.

Except, because I have the worst luck, my mom walks in.

She wants to ask me if I can babysit my brothers again, but she stops when she notices my leftover tears.

"What's wrong?" She questions immediately.

Her protective mom instincts kick in, and she pulls a chair over to sit next to me.

She rests her hand on my knee, and because I don't answer, she adds, "I'm here for you, Idalia. Talk to me. I'm your mom, you used to tell me everything."

That's true, as I hadn't filled her in on my daily life since I was like 12. Then, I started questioning my sexuality and just distanced myself from her.

After I turned 16 and met Sea, that's when I completely pulled away from my mom. I had Marina to talk to and tell everything to.

There I go again, mentioning Marina.

I roll my eyes at the last thought and tell my mom, "I'm just a bit hurt."

She takes a deep breath, and launches into an explanation, "I'm sorry. I've done some thinking too and the way that I've talked about you being gay has been unacceptable. I think that.. I had this idea in mind for you, as to what your future would look like. When you came out, it was just so unexpected. I needed some time to get used to the idea. So, I'm sorry. I accept you and always will. I didn't mean to make you hurt this way."

I sigh, because she's taken my sadness for Marina as a sadness about her not accepting me. As to that topic, it hadn't necessarily bothered me. I was living my own life and didn't need her approval.

It didn't mean that I don't want it though, so I tell her, "thank you. I forgive you."

She had acted ignorantly by constantly telling me that I would get a boyfriend and such, so she better change now that she's said she will. I don't want to hear those comments again.

We hug tightly, and I feel like collapsing in my mom's arms but I pull it together. I can't tell her about the current messy state of my life.

"I really appreciate it, mom," I tell her.

She smiles, and with that, she walks away. She leaves me in an uncomfortable silence that only improves when I think about how she's accepted me.

It worsens when I turn my mind to the disastrous topic of Marina.

I try to clear my head and focus on the textbook at hand.

I'll try to ace this test, no matter what it takes and I don't need Marina in order to do that.