IF I STAY

Curse at the Wind

A thunderstorm is brewing. There are dark ominous clouds from a distance, fleetingly disturbed by flashes of lightning threatening to cover up Seoul. The undisturbed view can be seen from the window of Jeongguk’s office and it would have been hauntingly beautiful, the way the clouds and fog slowly roll along the city, covering it in a dark mist like an old traditional ink painting, if only all the people in his office would stop and look.


The storm inside is more sinister than the one building outside. Jeon Jeongguk had been looking at his brother for the past hour or so as Yeonjun told them all about Beomgyu’s ex-boyfriend. Contrary to how he and Yeonjun needed the safety and support of the leather couches, Taehyun had stood by the window, hands deep in his suit’s pockets, unmoving with every word Yeonjun is saying.


But Jeongguk can see Taehyun’s reflection and he’s not even sure that it is still his brother he’s looking at. Taehyun’s face had grown darker and darker the more they learned about Beomgyu’s ex and what he did to the guy. Yeonjun told him how the man used his power to abuse Beomgyu, to make sure he could not get out of the abusive relationship. How the man came into Beomgyu’s life like a freaking superhero, swooping him off his feet only to turn out to be the villain himself. He made it seem like everything Beomgyu had, was because of him.


Taehyun’s jaw was clenched, his mouth pressed into a thin line and Jeongguk knows him a little too well to understand that he is trying to suppress his anger. It scares him a bit because he had never seen his brother seethe in anger like this.


An hour ago, their own private security team had arrived and listened to instructions to look for Beomgyu. All the details they know came from Yeonjun’s own investigation. He had called their landlord in Ansan, and he had confirmed that indeed, Beomgyu left their apartment tonight and hasn’t come back yet. One of the temp workers who is still installing the lights at Haedabang claimed to have not seen Beomgyu tonight. His phone is still unreachable, so from what’s happening and the story Yeonjun just related to them, their worry is not quite misplaced.


Considering the landlord’s claim in the timeframe, Beomgyu had been missing for almost four hours now. That is still not enough to file a police report on a missing person. Not if they want to use their connections and alert the media.


“The staffs will arrive in another thirty minutes.” Yeonjun announces almost mechanically. The guy was nothing but a frantic mess… checking his phone every minute, calling and getting totally defeated when his call doesn’t go through.


Jeongguk nods at him, “Our security team will call us if they find anything. Are there any other clues we can look into?”


Yeonjun shakes his head, “We haven’t really talked the past few days…” from the sorrowful look on his face, it seems there’s more to it but Jeongguk doesn’t dare pry. They are stressed enough as it is and looking back at Taehyun, he looks like he’s ready to bolt out of there any minute now. To where? He also doesn’t know. But he doubts Taehyun cares anyway.


Yeonjun’s phone rings and he excitedly grabs his phone only to frown when he sees who’s calling, “Soobin?”


He doesn’t hear the conversation but he sees a look of confusion cross Yeonjun’s face, “No… I…he never mentioned it.”


Jeongguk frowns. That definitely didn’t sound right.


“Where does— “Yeonjun pauses, “Busan?”


Taehyun, from his frozen state, finally snaps in attention at the mention of the city. In a flash, the guy has already dashed towards his desk where the keys to his motorcycle are. As if on impulse, Jeongguk had reached out and grabbed his wrist to stop him, “What are you doing?”


Taehyun fixes him a stare that he will never forget. It’s threatening and dark and he had never seen it on his face his entire life, “Let go.”


Jeongguk should have, but he didn’t let that intimidate him, “Calm down.”


For a moment, he thought Taehyun would lash at him… maybe he was about to, but then his phone sitting on the table rang and it’s the head of their security team. Jeongguk trusts Taehyun to stay because the boy’s eyes flicked towards the ringing phone. He lets go of Taehyun but still keeps his eye contact before he answers the call and puts it in speakerphone. Whatever he has to say—Taehyun needs to hear, if only to keep him from being reckless.


“Jeongguk-sshi,” the deep voice of Min Yoongi comes through. It’s very unusual to hear the head of their security team on the phone. He rarely hits the field and just comes in during very critical situations. Despite this, Jeongguk is sure that he’s a very capable man. He’s an ex-military man who worked in special operatives but got discharged from service because of his relations with the Korean mafia, “We have a lead.”


From the very start, he knows Yoongi has a grey morality—a proper mix of good and bad. It doesn’t bother him, if anything, as long as he gets the job done, “Continue.”


“The cab company he hired. We got a hold of them and it seems the driver brought him to a warehouse in Seoul.”


“Warehouse?” Jeongguk asks, eyeing Taehyun warily. Yeonjun who has already finished his call with his staff is already listening in. He butts in eventually mentioning the name of a warehouse.


Yoongi hums for a while and says the affirmative.


“Did he check out his things?” Yeonjun asks.


“We already checked with the warehouse and no, but the owner says he did give an address in Busan where his things will be delivered.”


“Do you have it?”


Yoongi gives a resigned sigh, “The owner is being very uncooperative. She insists it’s her client’s privacy and will wait for the police to demand it.”


“Do you believe her?”


“Not a bit.” Yoongi says, “She just wants to get paid.”


“I see.” Jeongguk says, “Then give her any amount she wants.”


“Yes. Our people are on their way there.” A pause, “Jeongguk?”


“Hmn?”


“If we find this Byung-hoon guy. What do you want us to do with him?”


Jeon Jeongguk knows there are a couple of things they could do—the right thing would be to turn him over to the police and sue his ass. The bad thing would be to have Yoongi beat the lights out of that guy until he couldn’t walk or until he regrets ever being born. If Jeongguk chooses to do either, he’s sure Yoongi wouldn’t blink an eye and just follow. He doubts anybody in the room would disagree with him. Everybody would turn a blind eye and that’s probably because the guy deserved it.


Outside, the thunder is roaring, the storm finally showing its true strength. The clouds had rolled in, covering Seoul with darkness that won’t seem to end anytime soon. Jeongguk opens his mouth to respond, but—


“Leave him to me.” It’s Taehyun who answers. His voice is icy and dangerous and Jeongguk looks at his younger brother and sees the eyes of a stranger looking back at him.


-----


Beomgyu realized two things—


One, that when you burn the skin, it will be a few minutes of excruciating pain that makes you scream and cry—but it will not last. Because for some sinister reason, when your skin’s nerve endings have been severely damaged, you will feel nothing, just a numbing warmth. Then you will fall into a false sense of hope that you’ve not been burned at all. But it only lasts for a while, because when the hot iron brand leaves your skin and air begins cooling the area, it will feel like you’ve been burned all over again.


Two, that the smell of burning skin is not like the smell of burning meat. It has a charcoal-like aroma, so distinct, it would be impossible for one to forget about it. And somehow, in between the muffled howls of pain and the struggle to remove the branding iron on his chest while he is being pinned down on the floor… it was the smell that stuck with him. That and Byung-hoon’s voice whispering in his ear, telling him not to worry, I want to keep your pretty face untouched. Before he eventually blacks out.


He doesn’t know how many hours or days have passed already from the many times he had slipped in and out of consciousness. All he knows is during those times he had been lucid, Byung-hoon is there to personify the very nightmares he is running away from in his head.


Just like in the past, Byung-hoon would swing from being the sweetest, most caring person to the entire polar opposite. One minute, he is tending to the burn he created, apologizing to Beomgyu and telling him how he didn’t mean it and that he can’t help it because Beomgyu made him do it.


And then be ruthless on the next. He’d look at him with those cold-blooded eyes of a monster—as if Beomgyu is nothing, as if his life, his suffering doesn’t bother him.


The man’s brutality knows no bounds. He would punch him until his lungs give out and he’s choking up from his own blood because his lips are still sealed tightly. Beomgyu wants to just drown in them—choke his life out of his body and just give Byung-hoon what he wants—if he’s
dead, he’s got nobody to torture anymore. And that’s probably why the guy would eventually stop, drop him on the floor to grab a can of beer or two from the fridge and smoke cigars while watching Beomgyu lying on the cold floor.


He had long ripped Beomgyu’s shirt and he would admire the purpling bruises blooming on them, telling him how it matched the very beautiful mark he left. He’ll start talking to him, telling him stories of their past relationship, how he did everything to make sure Beomgyu received the best training to improve his craft; how he pulled every available string just so Beomgyu would get the best clients. He would say how much he loved Beomgyu smiling, how much he loved seeing him so alive… But then he would remember Beomgyu’s betrayal.


That’s when the torture would begin again. Byung-hoon will pull on his hair, drag him across the floor and kick him if he shows even just a little bit of resistance—he would kick and stomp on him until Beomgyu stops struggling and the moans and grunts of pain die down from him. This does not usually take that long.


Beomgyu understands he will never get out of this alive and only death can give him freedom from the guy. He accepted that and actually yearns for it.


Byung-hoon bends over to him and pulls the duct tape from his mouth. The burn from the tug has Beomgyu hiss and coughing up the blood that had but all collected in his mouth. The rusty taste goes fresh again at the first breath of air.


“Well, isn’t that better?” Byung-hoon taunts… as if Beomgyu owes him thanks for that small reprieve he had to do. He doesn’t even regard the man with a glance. He is too used to the pain, too broken to feel anything even when the man grabs his face so he could look up. “What’s wrong, pet? Are you already done?”


You can’t kill someone who’s already dead. He wants to spit at him, but he has no more energy, and frankly, no more resistance in him that will make him express even a little bit of anger at the man. He just wants everything to end.


The lack of response from him irks the man. How dare you ignore me? He doesn’t know if the man actually said those words or he’s just reading what’s going on in his head. He knows the man well enough to actually hear his voice even when he’s not speaking. A new pain burgeons on his head as Byung-hoon grabs a handful of hair.


He just grunts in response when the guy throws him on the bed—belly down. His head hits the frame and he raises his head to gasp for air, but Byung-hoon is on him immediately. The guy hurriedly unbuckles his belt, pulls his pants down with his boxers and pushed his legs apart. He
buries Beomgyu’s head unto the mattress, cutting off his air and Beomgyu wallows in the idea of dying from loss of air. He read somewhere before that suffocation is one of the most painful ways of dying but he thinks it’s better to end it right now than repeat this same cycle for the coming days. The man is saying something again, but all the words are muffled and he doesn’t even make any attempt to understand whatever he’s saying.


Beomgyu doesn’t even cry when he feels the guy’s length enter him. He doesn’t feel the pain. He just lets it happen, hoping his body stays numb and his lungs eventually give out.


He is not here now. He’s back in his studio in Seoul, sitting on top of his trusty foldable stairs, holding his paintbrush, getting lost in the shades of green and blue in every stroke of his brush. He can hear his staffs making a ruckus somewhere down below he chuckles to himself when he hears Yeonjun yelling something to make them stop. They don’t and just continues bickering among themselves. The door squeaks open and someone walks in. “Beomgyu hyung,” He hears and he looks down to see the cheeky grin of Taehyun—his smile, too bright it hurts his eyes. Tears prick his eyes and he blinks them away… Taehyun holds out his hands as if beckoning him to leap into them and he wants to… desperately so.


“Come back to me, Hyung.”


Beomgyu wishes he could at least say goodbye.


-----


Kang Taehyun feels gutted.


The warehouse is a dead lead. The woman owner had been paid handsomely and they got the address… but when their team arrived at Busan, the place is still empty, the owner claiming he had only talked to Beomgyu via phone.


It’s been a day since the police got involved in Beomgyu’s disappearance. Two days since the event that happened during the gala night. Jeongguk together with Kim Taehyung and Sojung took care of paying off the media and everyone else who was invited just to keep the news under wraps. The media blackout will not create a scandal, but it also means less spotlight on Beomgyu’s disappearance.


Still, the three of them never stopped looking. Yeonjun eventually had to go back to Ansan, to do his own search while he and Jeongguk stayed in Seoul. Jeongguk told him to trust Min Yoongi because according to him, the guy has never failed him, not even once. Still, he didn’t stop Taehyun when he left with his motorcycle, probably understanding that it’s more than not trusting people to find him… but it’s the need to find him, himself.


He has nowhere to go really, but he drove around the streets of Seoul as if he has a purpose. As if blindly following his gut feel would take him to Beomgyu. But he can’t just stay in one place, knowing somewhere out there—Beomgyu is being hurt by that despicable man.


When Yeonjun told them Beomgyu’s history with the guy, he finally understood the man’s insecurities and why he folds in on himself whenever a small amount of affection gets thrown his way. He understood what Beomgyu meant when he said he self-destructs and he destroys people around him. Now he knows why getting involved with someone like him scares Beomgyu shitless—because he feels he is not good enough.


Taehyun wants to tell him it’s not true. That his broken pieces are actually what makes him beautiful. To be able to go through all that and still hold the sweetest smile he had seen—how does he do it? What magic does he possess? He would give anything to see his smile again.