Pride

Chapter 8- Chase

And... telling her would make it more real. Way more real. Telling Levi- he gets this stuff. If I were to tell him that I think I'm completely, 100% straight, he would accept that. He might not fully believe me, but he wouldn't challenge that or tell me I'm wrong. He'd just accept it, no questions asked, and we'd move on. It concerns Ashley a bit more directly, since we're actually dating, and there are a hundred questions that it would be honestly, pretty valid to ask (I'm asking myself these very same questions. Am I dating Ashley to- subconsciously- try to deny my sexuality?). Plus, then it'd be harder, much harder, to take back. To deal with, in general. I just want to figure it out for myself, then I can worry about telling other people.

Levi snaps in front of my face. "Earth to Chase. We have basketball practice, like, now."

"Right. Yeah." I close my locker, and almost start heading to the locker room.

"See you later?" Ashley asks me, reminding me that I've still got my arm around her.

I hesitate. "I've got a lot of homework. Tomorrow, maybe. Unless Werewolf and I get assigned some big thing that we have to work on after school."

"Alright. Bye, babe." She kisses my cheek.

"See ya."

She leaves, and Levi and I start towards the locker rooms. He gives me a sidelong glance. "What were you thinking about?"

I hesitate, then ask, "Do you think that not telling her about... the guy, at the party, while we were playing seven minutes in heaven, and everything- does that count as lying and/or cheating?"

"I mean, she's explicitly stated that she's fine with you kissing people for games like that at parties, so not cheating. Not telling her... I don't know. It depends on how you feel about this whole thing. Like, how big you think it is. If you actually think you were just drunk enough that you felt like that, then I'd say don't sweat it. If you think you're completely gay and have never had any real interest in girls at all, then maybe telling her would be for the best."

I nod, though I'm not really sure what I'm nodding about. I still have no idea what the heck I'm going to do.

Basketball helps. It's good for clearing my mind, giving me something specific to focus on instead of my sexual identity crisis.

But practice is over all too soon, and then it's just Levi and I again, sitting in my room while I attempt to do chemistry homework and he pretends to be doing something on his phone.

Eventually, I give up and turn to him. "How did you know?"

"How did I know what?" His phone is already forgotten. He's been waiting for me to bring it up again.

"Your sexuality."

He purses his lips, considering it for a moment. "I guess I just... knew. I found myself checking guys out more often than girls, and the first time a girl tried to kiss me, I just got this feeling of dread, and this overwhelming urge to just get away. And then I had this huge crush on- yeah, anyways, you get the picture." He's blushing a little, and I smirk.

"On Chris Evans?"

"He's Captain America, okay?" He's blushing more now, which of course makes me smirk more.

"Mhmm."

He shoots me a glare. "I'm helping you. Stop smirking."

"Alright, fine. So I should just look through pictures of hot male actors and see if I get turned on?"

"I mean, if you're looking for an excuse to look through pictures of hot male actors, then you might already have your answer," he points out. Which is a pretty good point, actually.

"Okay, but if I'm not, then does that mean I'm straight?"

"Not necessarily. You might only be attracted to people you know in real life. Demisexual, if you want a name for it."

I groan a little, letting my head fall back. "Okay, but..." I sigh and look back at him helplessly. "How can I just know for sure? Like, if I like guys or not. Or if I like girls at all. How can I know?"

"That's the hard part of all this," he says softly. "There's no test that you can take, that will just tell you your exact orientation. There are so many things between totally gay and totally straight... you might never know for sure. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm attracted to guys or masculinity, or if I'm homoflexible and just haven't met a girl I could be attracted to yet."

"So even if I kissed a bunch of guys, and a bunch of girls..."

"You might not learn anything from it."

I run a hand through my hair. "Does it feel this hopeless and infinitely impossible for everyone?"

He gives me a small smile. "You're definitely not the only one. But- really, Chase, you don't have to figure this out. You have no obligation to anyone, unless you genuinely just want to know, for yourself."

He's right. I know he's right. I'm in a stable relationship, and it doesn't matter to anyone except me and maybe Ashley if I decide I'm not interested in girls at all. But...

Thoughts on Chase and Ashley's relationship? What do you think he's going to do? Should he tell her about this? Should he wait until he has a more exact idea of what his sexuality is? Do you think he should just ignore it and pretend like nothing happened? Let me know in the comments!

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