Tommo is Typing

Chapter 34: Haz is Calling

[Friday, July 23rd, 2010 - 9:24 PM] 

        Regret is a very prominent emotion.

        It can unexpectedly become all-consuming, pestering one's consciousness. It forces a guilty individual to dwell on their poor decisions, plaguing them with the weight of their mistake. Their lives are filled with lost opportunities and what-ifs, minds creating alternative outcomes to force themselves to fall further into a pit of sorrow.

        Regret doesn't begin to set in until the consequences of one's actions start to present themselves. When their lives are filled with less laughter, when their story isn't heard, or when they come home to an empty bed, the opposite side is unoccupied and cold.

        The regret began to manifest itself in Harry from the moment that he pressed send on his final text. He is embarrassed to admit that he has spent the past month feeling guilty, the emotions feeling unjustified and selfish. He has been hurt before, but never has he been the initiator of a conflict.

        He struggles to recognize himself as the soft-hearted, kind boy that accidentally fell in love with someone over the internet. He sees a deranged, selfish villain looking back at him in the mirror; he hates what he has become.

        No one around him noticed the shift in his bubbly personality or the dark shadows under his eyes. Perhaps they don't know him well enough, or they simply don't want to show him enough sympathy to listen to his story and provide advice. Though he knows one person that would gladly accept him and all his flaws, and he destroyed their trust.

        Yet, the only person he can blame for the deterioration of their relationship is himself. HE was the one that broke Louis. HE was the one that lied about his feelings numerous times. He was the one that hid behind his screen, afraid of reality.

        He gave himself whiplash from the number of turns that took place in their final conversation. He has spent the past 38 days without Louis contemplating why he kept going, trying to understand what was going through his mind at the time.

        He feels like a coward for shying away from something as trivial as a phone call. The feelings that he held for Louis were strong, and he feared that any hint of disappointment would break him. He didn't want to be seen as subpar to Louis' standards, not funny enough or pretty in real life. So, he did the only rational thing his racing mind could conjure at the time: hurt him before he hurts me.

        He has spent countless evenings as he does now, staring up at his ceiling, willing the tears away. He still stays up into the early hours of the morning, sleep becoming impossible when the shameful things he said are engraved into his eyelids permanently. He desperately refreshes his text message chain in a naive hope that Louis will say something, even if it's just calling him a terrible person/best friend/boyfriend(?).

        His gaze flickers to the small device on his nightstand. He hasn't been able to reach out to Louis since the fight, out of the fear that he can only make things worse. However, tonight the events were playing themselves more vividly in his mind. His words felt harsher, their meanings slashing wounds deeper than usual.

        His thumb hovers over the dial button, a slight shake visible. He itches to hit it and beg Louis to come back to him, but at this point, there are no valid reasons for him to be granted forgiveness.

        With a sigh, he locks his phone, haphazardly placing it back down in its previous location. Would calling him be out of his own selfish ambitions or because he genuinely cares for him? He's so lost that he struggles to understand his own motives. Would Louis even answer? He certainly shouldn't.

        Harry doesn't want to be forgiven anymore, he needs a chance to explain himself. He wants what's best for Louis, even if that isn't him. He can learn to cope with the loss, but he can't bear the thought of letting his friend think that it was HIS fault Harry lashed out.

        The realization hits him harder than a train of bricks. It sends him bolting up in bed, startling the cat resting at his feet. A powerful wave of emotions floods his senses, and for once, they're not unpleasant.

        Harry can't live without Louis, and little does he know that the latter feels the same way. He was right; you don't need to meet someone to unequivocally know that you would do anything for them.

        Love is a remarkably powerful emotion.

        It can unexpectedly become all-consuming, taking over one's consciousness in the best way possible. It drives a smitten individual to act impulsively, making them willing to do anything to please their significant other. Their lives are filled with happiness and security, minds weaving visions of a shared future, sending them further into the clouds.

        Love presents itself in the most mundane of moments. When their stomach hurts from laughter. When they're listening to their spouse gush about their day, or when they come home to find their partner tucked into bed, waiting for them to arrive before they fall asleep.

        Harry has made mistakes in the past, everyone does; it's apart of being human. However, it's those who take their losses in stride and learn from them, that truly succeed in life. Dwelling on the past is easy; it's safe, but it's incredibly hard on an individual.

        A life well-lived is one with risk and adventure. The path to happiness is not simple nor travelled by many. But the reward on the other end compensates for the hardships that one encounters to get there.

        Right now, Harry could not be more confident that he wants to be with someone. With newfound purpose, he doesn't hesitate to press call on Louis' contact.

Haz is calling...

Author's Note: Listen to Right Now while reading this for ALL the pain.

Additional Note: THERE'S A SEQUEL! HAZ IS CALLING. OUT. NOW.