The Secret Muse (#1)

Chapter 31

I could no longer bring myself to be alone anymore. I don't have the confidence to go about my daily strolls even when Giuliano's out of town. After the incident, Giuliano has been sending me more letters and has almost always stopped by to see me.

I refuse to see him at every turn. I can still feel his arms restraining me, or the way he pushed me onto the bed intending to take me against my will.

The memory poisons almost every good in my day. Sometimes I would find myself staring into nothingness for hours without even realizing it. Everyone in the house is starting to get worried about me but I have no clue how to tell them what happened.

Sleep has been elusive these past few nights. I decided to went downstairs with a candle lighting my way towards the kitchen. Perhaps tea could help me. As I heat some water, I sat down by the chair, waiting for it to boil when I heard footsteps coming over.

Aunt Simona came into view, as she wears a shawl around her shoulders and walked toward me.

"Can't sleep?" She asks with a motherly smile on her face. She occupies the seat next to me as she prepares another teacup for herself. I can only nod in response. "I can't sleep either." We were silent for a few seconds when I felt her gaze upon me. When I look up to meet her eyes, concern filled her face. "I'm worried about you, child. You know that you can always talk to me about anything."

Where to begin? I look down at the table, not knowing what to say. "I know Aunt Simona. I simply don't know how."

She grabs my hand and squeezes it encouragingly. "Let's start with the things that you want to say. I'll try to keep up."

The words struggled within my lips but I push on. Aunt Simona has been with me since the beginning and if I were to tell anyone what happened to me, it would be her. Heartened by her love and care, I take a deep breath before speaking. "As you know, I have been ignoring Giuliano upon learning of his engagement to a Neopolitan noblewoman despite my feelings for him. He's declared how deep and true his affections for me when I finally relented to meet him. However, Lucrezia came down here when you were away for Genoa to urge me to stop seeing her son. In fear of what she might do, I adhere to her wishes. Last Sunday, I heard that he was away in Milan so I confidently go to the church only to see him there. I manage to leave the church without him noticing me but when he stormed into my room, he-" I trailed as I unconsciously reached for my neck. Remembering how he forced his kisses on me. "He tried to force himself upon me." My grip suddenly tightens around her hand as I remember. "He suddenly realized what he's doing and he stopped and walked away."

Aunt Simona covers her mouth as she listens, her tears fell in disbelief and overwhelm. She then stood up to hug me tightly. "I'm so sorry, my child. If I had known, I would have done something to stop him."

It didn't matter. He's broken me.

Today, I will try to go outside alone. I am still riddled with fear but I have to overcome it eventually. Back then, walking down the street is a mixture of adventure, freedom, and calmness.

Now, all I could think about are the people with cruel intentions lurking around the corners and dark alleys, waiting for anyone they could prey into. I no longer feel safe.

Determined to feel better, I briskly walk towards Tre Rane. Walking inside, I felt as though a lot of eyes are on me but when I look around, all of them are busy talking and doing their business.

I still couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. I'd go to my usual place in the corner but fear started to creep inside me. I was about to walk away when I heard Leonardo's voice.

"Antonia! I'm certainly glad to finally see you again!" He was about to touch my arm when I suddenly saw the image of Giuliano in his place, ready to attack me once again. In fear, I immediately back up, as I look on in horror.