The Decision

Chapter 16

Clarke slipped out of her bed and ran her fingers through her tangled blonde waves. It had been almost a month since she had and Wells had called off their engagement and almost two weeks since he had officially finished moving out. On a level, it was strange to not see his shoes haphazardly kicked off near the door or to find a variety of his ties hanging over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. They had been living together for almost a year after all and certain things, you just become accustomed to – but now that was all gone and she was starting over, again.

With a long stretch and a heavy yawn, Clarke got to her feet and made her way into the bathroom.

She couldn't really fault Wells for his thoughts about them ending their engagement, at least, no more than she could fault herself. Truth be told, she honestly hadn't been a hundred percent positive that they should go through with it either and though at the time she thought it was because of how jam-packed her head had been with thoughts and memories of Lexa, as more and more time passed, deep down she knew that it was because of exactly what Wells had said, they were very different people. It would have been a mistake – she could see that now and though at the time, getting engaged had seemed like a logical next step for them, in reality, it never would have lasted. It wasn't that they didn't love each other, because the love was most definitely there, it was just that in some cases, love just simply isn't enough and marriage was absolutely one of those cases. Love might have been something that could have kept them together, but it never would have been enough to make or keep them truly happy.

Exiting the bathroom and making her way into the kitchen, Clarke set her phone on the counter and started to make a cup of coffee. Though it may have already been getting pretty late in the day, coffee was still definitely necessary.

Part of her wished that she could blame their breakup on the fact that they were just that different, but really – deep down, she knew that it wasn't the only reason and though she absolutely did not want to acknowledge it, Wells was right – she was still in love with Lexa, however, admitting that meant nothing. It meant nothing and it changed nothing because that's basically what they were now – nothing.

Lexa had never responded to the text that she had sent her saying that space would be better and while on one hand she was glad, on the other, the radio silence kind of saddened her because it basically cemented everything that she had come to realize. Lexa didn't care. She simply didn't care and there wasn't anything that anyone could do to change that. She wasn't the person that they all had come to know and love back in college and perhaps the hardest thing to swallow was that maybe, she never was. Maybe all of the little things – the sweetest things that she remembered about Lexa were nothing but a façade. Maybe it all really was just a mask and she really was just a fool.

Dropping down into one of the kitchen chairs, Clarke blew on her coffee and took a small sip, humming her approval as the sweetened liquid burned its way down her throat and the wincing slightly as a pang of pain fired off in her head, only to then echo down deep in her chest.

In the time that had passed since coming face to face with Lexa again at her engagement party nothing in her life had gone the way that she had expected it to – nothing and now, she honestly just didn't really know what to do about it. Her head had become so regularly flooded, so – overwhelmed with memories of her and Lexa that now her mind and heart seemed to be constantly battling to see which one could possibly hurt more. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right, but then again, at least where she and Lexa seemed to be concerned – nothing ever was.

Leaning back in her chair, Clarke let her head drop back and gave her neck muscles a good stretch. That wasn't really true – not really anyway, because there had been a time where practically everything between her and Lexa was just so damn easy, unfortunately though, that was a time that felt like a lifetime ago and the people from it now felt like nothing more than ghosts, and how unfair it seemed that she now found herself constantly spinning with them and unable to stop the constant onslaught of their memories – caught somewhere in between remembering all of the amazing things about her relationship with Lexa and literally feeling her chest warm with every memory and finally accepting that Lexa wasn't exactly who she had believed that she was and feeling her heart crack a little more with every realization.