Hard to Love: A Sons Of Anarchy Fanfic

Chapter 8

After dinner was finished and the kitchen was clean, Savannah helped me bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. I had to admit, I could definitely get used to having her around. I was currently standing I the doorway of Abel's room as she read him a bedtime story. Abel had already fallen asleep but Savannah had kept reading anyway. Tara used to do the same thing. I asked her why once and she said it was because she didn't want to leave off the happy ending. She wanted to make sure our kids knew that through there were trial and tribulations in life, most times there was always a happy ending. I had thought the idea was stupid when she told me because in the outlaw lifestyle, there was hardly ever a happy ending. Don't get me wrong, I wanted the best for my boys. I wanted them to have everything they ever wanted and I wanted them to feel all the love they deserved but I also knew that there was too much bad shit in this world that could take every ounce of happiness out of you.

In the time I was standing there watching Savannah, she had finished her story. I watched as he leaned over and placed a kiss on his forehead and tucked him in. That's she she turned to me and caught me watching her. I backed out of the door way, allowing her to exit the room. Once outside the room, she closed the door as silently as possible and looked up at me. We stood there staring at each other for what seemed like forever before she finally spoke.

"He's an amazing boy. Both of them are. You're so lucky to have them."

I could hear the sadness in her voice. I couldn't image how much pain it would cause to know that the one thing you wanted the most wasn't possible because of some sick some of a bitch had taken that way from you. I guess in a way I kinda did. My mother had taken Tara from me. But something told me that the pain I felt because of losing Tara wasn't anything considered to what Savannah felt when every time she saw a mother and child.

"I really am. As cliché as it sounds, those boys saved my life" I said, realizing I hadn't responded to her statement.

"I hear people say that all time but never really knew what they meant by it. I guess I never will." Savannah said as she walked towards the living room.

"Savannah I..."

Turning to face me, she said "Jax, don't. Please don't. Don't say you're sorry. Don't give me any sympathy. This is my life. This is the path that was chosen for me and I have to live with that."

"Yes, you might have to live with it, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't effect others around you. You say you don't want my sympathy. Well, I'm sorry but that I can't help but feel sorry for the things that were taken from you before you even know you would want them. But I also feel rage. I want to kill the man who did this. Fuck, I wanna kill any man that would do this to a child. It's takes one sick piece of shit to do the things that were done to you at a young age."
I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier by the moment. How could she stand there and tell me not to feel sorry for her? Anyone who had any kind of heart would feel sorry for any one who had been through the things she had. But they would also feel proud that she didn't let those bad things destroy her life. Yes, she had went down a destructive path that would have surely ended with her dying and yes, it took some drastic to make her want to change, but she had.

"Jax, I can't do this. I thought I could get close to someone, let down my guard you know, but I can't. I'm sorry."

She ran towards the door but I caught her by the hand before she was able to run through it. Thinking back, that wasn't the smartest move ever side I was rewarded with a solid and perfectly placed uppercut. I stumbled back, releasing her hand. She ran this time, for her house and far away for me. I didn't try to stop her this time though.

🍑 Savannah's POV 🍑
Buy the time I reached my doorstep, I was a blubbering mess. My heart ached for the things I would never have. Whether those things were children, a man who loved me, or to just be able to function as a normal adult, I knew my life wouldn't ever be anything that fairytales were made of. It just wasn't possible.

Making sure my door was locked, I stripped, leaving a trail of clothing all the way to my bathroom. Turning on the shower, I stood under the spray before it ever even got warm, needing to feel something other than the pain in my heart. The tears streaming down my face was the only warmth I felt before the water finally turned warm. I let myself cry and scream. I even beat my fists against the tile because of the pain and anger inside me. When there was no screams or anger left, there was only tears. Once the tears finally subsided, I stood under the spray that how now turned back to cold and thought about the way Jax had tried to stop me. I hoped I didn't hurt him but my had instincts kicked in.

Mad at myself for walking-well actually running- out on him like I did, I switched the water off and went to my bedroom. I crawled into bed and tired to go to sleep but I was to wound up. After tossing and turning for two whole hours, I crawled out of bed and went to my art room, still completely naked. Sitting down at the easel, I started painting, letting my feelings flow through my paintbrush.

Several hours later, I sat back, stretching, and looked at what I had created. It was very abstract but it depicted a woman who was damaged, inside and out.
How fitting I thought to myself.
It was practically a self portrait. I was damaged, inside and out. Suddenly feeling drained, I put caps on all the paints and flipped the switch off in the room.

When I walked into my bedroom, I glanced at the bedside clock and noticed it was 4:27 on the morning. Time for my run. Knowing I needed to stick to my routine, I got dressed and threw my hair up. Grabbing my MP3 player, I turned it to some Metallica, inserted my ear buds, and set off on my run.

💀 Jax's POV 💀
I hadn't slept all night which wasn't anything unusual. My jaw ached and my brain was running one hundred miles per hour.

When Savannah had ran out of my door last night after punching me, I hadn't chased her. I knew she needed to be alone but every nerve in my body had told me to go to her. I even walked over there when the urge had become too much. But she I got to her door, I heard the sounds of death metal blaring. I knew knocking on her door would be useless, so I had walked back home and sat on my couch, thinking about everything.

I was standing at the kitchen sink, washing out my coffee mug when I saw her exit her home. She was dressed in blue Capri pants with a reflective strip down the side with a matching tank top. Her hair was pulled high atop her head. I watched as she started out at a slow jog, the street lights shining down on her and she passed through them. I watched as she got closer and closer to my house and before I knew it, I was heading out to my porch. I watched as she ran right by my house, her stride increasing with every step she took. I kept hoping she would look my way, but she never did. She ran right by my home.