Serotonin

05 I past life

"You can try hurting me, Jace, but it won't work. I have handled my fair share of hurt, and it doesn't affect me anymore. But I need you to know that you are and will always be my family, and nothing can change that," I said softly, meaning every word of it. Jace seemed taken aback at my composure.

What was he expecting? The same 16-year old who he had left behind, who had been emotional and vulnerable. He was in for a surprise.

"You should know by now, to not have such high hopes from life, Olivia," he said in a condescending tone. I could see myself in him. All those times, I had shrugged away people or made them dislike me because I couldn't trust them. Or simply because I believed they deserved better than someone who'd never be good enough for them.

"You're talking about high hopes? I don't have any hope at all. Hope is a fickle emotion, it crushes you in the end. We have high exceptions because we hope and we believe that things will get better eventually, the world will become a fine place for us to live in. Guess what? I know better, now. I know that we need to struggle and keep fighting for what we truly want. We can't leave it up to hope, to offer us our dreams on a silver platter. We fight a series of battles to keep going ahead and getting what we want because we are strong enough to do so. So here I am, fighting for you." I finished and looked at him with the love I never expressed. The adoration I always felt and the gratefulness that resonated within me.

His eyes wavered, and I could see his resolve breaking.

"I am not worth fighting for, Olivia." Jace sighed and ran a hand through his hair. And I finally thought I had made a breakthrough when he decided to shut off again.

"That's up to me to decide," I said confidently, but was met with a blank look.

"I can't go back. I'm sorry to disappoint you," he said with conviction but wasn't sorry at all.

I looked outside the window and saw the city life before me. The street lights cast a gentle glow on the bridge which shone brightly. People were alive, living vicariously on the streets. They seemed happy and free, the irony.

"You can't or you won't?" I asked him. I needed to know what was holding him back and holding him here of all places.

"Does it even matter?" He said in an exasperated tone.

"It does to me," I said. What are you hiding, Jace? What are you protecting me from?

"Get off your high horse, Olivia, because the world doesn't revolve around you. You've always desired for people's attention. But haven't you learned your lesson already? Don't seek validation or love from me cause I can't give it to you anymore. My life isn't centered around you anymore. It's my life, and I don't need to put your needs before mine. Maybe it is your fault for always being the good-natured girl who wanted to help people, too bad they didn't value you cause they didn't buy your pretentious act. And nor do I want it, so stop interfering in my life and go live your own." He finished, and he knew he had played his final card to push me away. I stood up from the bed.

Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes, but I wasn't going to cry in his presence and give him the satisfaction of hurting me. I tried to keep my tears at bay, I hadn't cried once in the past two years, and I wasn't going to let this incident change it. He noticed my teary eyes, and realised that he had taken it too far. But he didn't take it back, and I knew it had hurt him as much as it had hurt me.

I cleared my throat to prevent a crack in my voice and looked straight into his eyes. I showed him the hurt and disappointment I felt to be exploited by my deepest insecurity, and by the person, I loved the most.

He knew the weight of his words. He knew how each word had pierced me like a bullet. He decided to bring up my demons but I was stronger this time around, I could face them.