Identity (Phan)

Chapter 19

One week had passed since the day Dan found himself tied to a bed like a person who had just tried to kill someone. No one had mentioned what had happened with Dan to allow himself to be tied up like that, and Phil was being somewhat secretive in a way that made Dan worry that he was getting tired of him. If Phil ended up not wanting to deal with him anymore, he would completely understand, but he didn't know what he would actually do when the day came. He was counting the days down, counting all of the times Phil looked away from him or bit his lip whenever he came to visit, bringing Dan some books to read or food that he was technically not allowed to have. 

Dan still hadn't particularly made any friends, either. Everyone thought he was strange for some reason, but one girl, Alexis, allowed him to sit with her during mealtime anyways, probably just because she was lonely. She was anorexic and the staff was typically very strict with her, not allowing her to participate in activities or talk to anyone unless she finished at least half of her meal. Dan felt sick whenever that happened, because treating a person with an eating disorder should definitely not be handled like that. Threatening a person to eat is not 'helping', and forcing her to be antisocial will only make matters worse. 

But when Dan mentioned that, he ended up crying and screaming at the doctors at the same time, yelling about how forcing someone does not make the problem disappear. The next thing he knew, he was put in an empty room with a camera, the door locked so he wasn't able to do anything but stare at the white walls and think about how much he wished things could be different. 

He was slowly going insane. 

After all, he was forced into a mental hospital for something he had no memory of, he was constantly put in isolation for expressing an opinion, and he was surrounded by people who would rather off themselves than to actually try to find happiness. Dan knew he wasn't perfect, but there was no reason for him to be in here. Sure, he sometimes forgot parts of his life, even woke up one day to find that two years had passed, but other than that, there was little to nothing wrong with him other than some anxiety.

And yet Phil told him to just stay in here for a little longer. But why, if there was absolutely nothing wrong with Dan?

Speaking of Phil, Dan saw him pass by the group room earlier, following right after Dr. Fletcher. They looked deep in conversation, and Phil's eyebrows were furrowed to make him look older than he actually was, his hair pushed away from his face in sort of a quiff, looking like he hadn't bothered to brush it for days. Dan was taken aback by this, going to stand up before the counselor currently in charge, Faye, told him to sit his arse down and to tell everyone what he wanted to talk about today, what he thought could change him for the better, if anything.

So, like a good boy, keeping his eyes on the tiny door window in which Phil just walked past, he replied, "Anxiety." He would do anything to get out of there, even if it meant cooperating for once.

Thus began Faye's little tangent about how he could avoid anxiety, all the while, Dan didn't take his eyes off of the door. He could only think about Phil in that moment, and how he looked so worn out, with a frown on his face and shoulders sagging under the weight of seemingly every problem in the world. Dan couldn't help but wonder why he was possibly talking to Dr. Fletcher. About him, of course, but about what exactly?

Group let out thirty minutes later, releasing the inpatients to what people liked to call 'activity', which literally consisted of them watching Adventure Time reruns and colouring with crayons, because apparently felt tips were a hazard or some lame excuse as such. It was only then that Dan was greeted by the warm arms of Phil, wrapping around his waist in a hug that lasted a total of two seconds before the voice of fucking Dr. Fletcher broke them apart. Dan felt like he was floating, though, as Phil grabbed his hand, entwining their fingers together and rubbing his thumb on Dan's skin. He really hoped Phil didn't get tired of him. 

"Daniel, Phil and I would like to speak with you about your condition and the rest of your stay here. Is that alright with you?"

Not being able to think of anything better to do other than snogging Phil's face off right then and there, Dan reluctantly nodded his head, then promptly followed the two men to the now-familiar office. Dr. Fletcher really wasn't that bad anymore, now that the first day was over. Apparently he does that to every single one of his patients so that he can assess their condition better, which is kind of bullshit, but makes sense. In actuality, he's a pretty chill dude. Still doesn't mean Dan liked him much, though. 

Once in the tiny office, Dan sat himself on the little couch against one of the walls, dragging Phil down with him while the doctor settled into his computer chair, shuffling his body until he was completely comfortable. He cleared his throat and scribbled something down on a notebook before speaking once again. "As you know, most of the people that come here as inpatients only stay here for a week before being discharged. If they're still in some need for help, they are then referred to an outpatient psychologist to help them once or twice a week." Dan nodded, allowing him to go on. "Well, during your stay here, I have been learning more about you as each day passes, watching how you interact with the other patients, how you react to stress, and how you even act by yourself. It's obvious that you haven't found our program very helpful, which most people don't, but I have also observed some other things as well, and Phil has helped me to learn more about you, too."

Dr. Fletcher flipped through a few more pages, all the while, Phil began gripping Dan's hand so tight that his knuckles were turning white, only easing when he leaned over to give Dan a reassuring kiss on the cheek. "While I don't believe you will need more than one more week as an inpatient, for various reasons, I would like you to continue outpatient therapy once you are discharged," More flipping, more cheek kisses. Dan was confused. "Also while you've been attending this facility, I've been researching on your condition. Jotting down your memory loss and mood swings, and Phil and I have helped each other to reach a decision on the diagnosis. Phil, would you explain for me?"

Dan turned to Phil, feeling a mix of emotions bottling up inside of him. There was definitely shock, like lightning, coursing through his veins, but also a mixture of confusion and betrayal, because Phil definitely thought something was wrong with him, definitely thought Dan was crazy, and now the loss of eye contact made sense because Dan was fucking crazy in Phil's eyes. "I first started noticing some different symptoms a few months after we met. It started out as little things, first. You waking up in the early hours of the morning to do ballet, anxiety problems, nightmares, sudden bursts of anger, and of course your loss of time. It didn't fully hit me that you might have some condition until you landed yourself in the hospital after getting in a fight with those thugs that one day." Phil looked away from Dan's eyes, looking guilty, while Dan's heart sped up. Condition? What? "I'm really sorry for not telling you, Dan, but I couldn't, I knew that you wouldn't handle it well and I had to wait until I knew for sure, but that day in the hospital, you introduced yourself to me."

"What do you-?"

Phil cut Dan off with a light kiss to his lips, hand squeezing his tightly as if he was afraid Dan would run if he let go. "You introduced yourself to me. But you didn't introduced yourself as Dan. You told me your name was Nicholai." 

Dan yanked his hands away from Phil. He could feel his body begin to shake and his eyes were starting to get a little white at the edges. "Don't fuck with me, Phil. It's not funny." He took a deep breath in, only to find that there was nothing there and he was gasping with lack of oxygen.

"Dan, you have to listen to me," Phil whimpered, grabbing Dan's face in his calloused hands, forcing Dan to look him straight in the face, through all the tears. Dan forgot that Dr. Fletcher was even there, and he could barely see the colour of Phil's eyes anymore. "I fucking love you, okay Dan? Nothing will ever change that, and I promise that I would never lie to you, but I'm so worried, and I love you and I just want to be honest with you, so you have to listen to me, okay? I can't hide this from you anymore."

Not knowing what else to do, Dan nodded, ignoring the hot tears now masking his face and the way that his hands were shaking so hard that it made his whole body vibrate and his teeth clatter together. 

"Ever since the hospital, I learned that there were different parts of yourself that you didn't know even existed. Nicholai, Alexander, Chandler, and Jay. They're a part of you, and they take care of you when you don't know how to take care of yourself. Something terrible happened when you were young, Dan, and these people try to protect you when things are too hard for you to cope." He took a deep breath. Dan didn't know if he wanted to listen anymore. "Nicholai is a really calm person who tries his best to be supportive whenever you're in a tough situation. Chandler is the one that usually gets you into trouble, seeing as he kind of has anger issues. Alexander has extreme OCD, and Jay is just a small child who's scared of the world. But they're a part of you, and I love every single god damn part of you, Dan, so I love them too."

Dan laughed harshly, tearing himself away from Phil once again and burying his hands in his face, feeling like his body was made of static. He could barely feel his skin or bones or lungs anymore, only a bitter aftertaste in his mouth that wouldn't go away. "You've got to be kidding me," he laughed humorously, "I'm fucking Sybil."

And then everything went black.