Book of Ruel

Feeling Blue

"It's a five minute drive, I can make it. You need me right now and I can't just stay home knowing you feel this way. I love you, see you soon" he mumbles, his voice blurry from the wind rushing around outside, before hanging up and leaving me in silence. A silence so soul shattering that I wouldn't wish it upon even my worst enemy. Lucky me, my worst enemy just so happens to be myself. It's always been me.

I go into my bathroom, hoping I can clean up my appearance before he gets here, or at least try to hide the reality I've been living in. I look in the mirror, breaking my heart all over again, a sob ripping through the room as I look at myself. My eyes wandering over every square inch of me, from the tears streaming down my face, to the shaking hands pressed against my chest. I slide down on to the floor, my hands gripping and tugging my hair, feeling broken beyond repair. My red tear stained face painted on to the back of my eyelids, not letting me escape, even as I shut my eyes as hard as I can.

I sob as I press my head into the wall behind me, gasping for breath, gasping for relief. My body shaking with the cries that are being let out, craving nothing but peace, a life where I don't have to feel this way every day. A life where I can be happy, where I can be free, and where I can finally be at peace. As my brain struggles to focus on one thought, so many flying through at a rapid pace, I miss the sound of the door opening and footsteps making their way in.

"I'm here. You're okay, I'm right here." He whispers, sliding down on to the ground next to me, reaching out to me. I grab his hand, ignoring the tears that cover it, and hold it to my chest. He stays silent, letting me get everything out, not wanting to overwhelm me by grabbing me and talking, already being able to see the sensory overload I'm going through. He holds my hand just as tight, watching the tears steadily fall down my face, his heart filling with a pain he couldn't describe. A pain that has him wishing he could take all of my problems for himself, willing to suffer for the hope of bringing me peace, if only it were that easy.

"It hurts Ruel.. everything hurts" I choke out, finally making eye contact with him, his own watery eyes watching me in return. I let go of his hand as he stands up, watching as he reaches down towards me, before he lifts me up and walks back into my room. I hear him kick his shoes off, before he sits us against the headboard, letting me rest my face against the crook of his neck as he gets settled. I bunch his hoodie in my hands, my tears soaking his collar and my ragged breathing rushing across his throat. "I just want to be happy" I croak out, feeling his hands rubbing my back, trying his hardest to soothe me.

"Shhh sweetheart just breathe, don't focus on anything else. Breathe with me" he mutters, gently moving my head to his chest, and taking a deep breath in. I follow his lead, breathing with him, not stopping till they come out smooth rather than ragged and choppy. I take in a deep breath, my heart starting to slow down, and my hands easing their grip against his chest. He moves a hand up to my hair, softly running his hand through, while holding me as tight as he can against him. "Do you want to talk about it now? You don't have to, we can just go to sleep, I know how tired you must be" he whispers, his eyes trained on the storm outside, wondering when the days will get easier.

"I don't know how I feel, I just don't feel like me anymore. I don't think I have for a long time now" I softly admit, my heart clenching with the vulnerability of my statement. He lets out a quiet hum, letting me know he's listening, but wanting me to continue confiding in him. "I just don't feel good anymore. I don't feel like I'm enough, nothing is ever enough." I tell him, my voice breaking, my heart filled with the empty longing of a better life. He presses a kiss to the top of my head, his own brain trying to find the right thing to say, even though there's nothing he can truly say to make this go away.

"It's okay to feel that way, it's okay. I know that nothing I say can change things, or fix the way you feel, but I'm going to be here for you every step of the way. You're going to be okay, it's just going to take time" he promises, moving us so that we're flat against the bed, his arm wrapped around my waist as he looks into my eyes. I watch his eyes flit around my face, memorizing every detail as they go, filled with nothing but love. Love that's still there even after watching me at my lowest point. "We're going to take it day by day, some days you'll feel good, other days not so much. We'll handle those days when we get there though, for now we're going to focus on the present. How can I help you right now?" He asks, caressing my cheek with his hand, his touch radiating warmth throughout my body.

"Can you just hold me for now. I just want to feel like I'm worth something, like someone actually cares" I mumble, watching a breathtaking smile stretch across his face. He nods his head and pulls me against him, the pain of today easing, finally feeling like I'm not alone. "I'm sorry for making you deal with this, I know you're probably stressed as it is with your workload lately" I apologize, feeling embarrassed about my breakdown, knowing he has his own struggles to deal with.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, I chose to be here, you didn't force me. I'm here because I love you. I'm your boyfriend sweetheart, I'm gonna be here with you through the bad and good, not just when it's convenient for me" He reassures, slipping a hand under my hoodie to rub my back, feeling me relax underneath his touch. "Your problems are my problems, I want to be here for you when you're struggling. You can always come to me, I'm not going anywhere. You actually couldn't get rid of me even if you tried, you're stuck with me for life" He laughs out, his mind easing up as I laugh, knowing he meant it when he said I'm stuck with him.

"Noooo, I was hoping I could trade you in for Coco" I joke, lifting my head up to make eye contact, laughing at the look on his face. He rolls his eyes at me before leaning down and pressing a kiss against my lips, pulling away with a small smile. "I love you." I mumble, pressing my face back against his chest as fatigue starts to set in, the events of the day finally taking their toll on me. I don't see the smile that covers his face, a light blush turning his face pink, still affected by the simple words after being together for so long.

"I love you more baby, way more than I can even say. You're going to get better and you're going to be okay, I promise. I won't stop until the day you can wake up and truly feel at peace, even if it takes me the rest of my life" he states, his brain filled with ideas of what our future will be like, knowing that one day it'll be filled with nothing but peace and happiness. A true happiness that I'll feel more days than not, a happiness where I'll back at these days and think of it as a bump in the road, and not my everyday reality. "It's going to get easier and when it does I'll be right there with you." He muses, feeling me press a kiss against his chest, my eyes struggling to stay open.

"I can't wait till those days are here, it's been a long time coming, but I know they'll be here soon. Even if soon is years from now, I know they'll be here" I whisper, feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time. I know it won't happen overnight, it's going to take lots of tears and pain before I can be free, but I know one day it'll happen. It'll happen because I deserve nothing but happiness and love, I deserve nothing but a life where I can love myself truly and whole heartedly, without the thoughts of pain clouding my mind. It's going to take time, but it will happen, even on the days where I think nothing will change and get better, the good days will be just around the corner. I deserve to be happy. I will be happy.

"Feeling blue will be a thing of the past, it's been a long time coming, but it's almost here"