Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 16 "Facebook and my thoughts"

I made small subtle changes on my Facebook to see if anyone would notice or say anything. It all started because someone that was on my friends list posted something that was transphobic and that mad me mad. I removed that person and decided to hint at things. Like changing my pronouns to he/him.

Then since no one noticed I started posting pictures of trans pride things to see if that got anyone's attention.  Again no one noticed. Even those that knew commented saying they were proud or etc. But again family nor anyone else noticed. If they did they didn't say anything.

I still feel like I'm not living true to myself. I don't want to be depressed or anger all the time. I want to be the man I'm suppose to be. There's still a long journey and I have no idea how I'm going to get there. I'm going to continue to dress masculine and maybe that will help my confidence a little bit.

Someone close to me came out as bisexual and I couldn't be happier. This person gave me the courage to come out and be the true me. I made a facebook status late at night that said:

I think since someone I know came out. Maybe I should too.🤷 It's been something I been keeping in. And I posted about it. So I will officially make a status. My friends and family for those that don't know. I'm transgender. No I haven't started testerone yet. Hopefully someday I will. I'm tossing around name ideas but haven't fully settled on one yet. It's hard to tell people face to face this and it's what I struggling with. For those that I already told know that I appreciate and love y'all dearly. I can hopefully someday finally be me. Also and anyone on my friends list who has gotten on testerone can you help me out like how did you talk about it with your doctor. I wanted to when I last saw mine but I didn't, though she may have an idea. Anyways sorry this is long.... someone close to me came out and there's no sense of me living in the closet again! Like I said I know I have posted about it vaguely and maybe not everyone sees my posts. But now y'all know. If you don't accept that there's an unfriend button feel free to click that if your transphobic. I have already removed people. Again sorry it's long guys and gals but I love y'all. Thanks for allowing me to finally be me!

Then overwhelming support came in from different people. Friends and family alike.

One being from my sister Crystal that read: You know am here for u n that will never change I love u sis/bro on whatever u wanna do am here. It's what makes u happy n that is all that matters fuck everyone else. Your life your choice. Proud of U!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Just seeing those words made me tear up. Here's a few more.

From a friend Raymond: Hi as a fellow trans man, if you need any help or questions about anything in regards to how/where to go for transitioning I’m more than happy to help ♥️♥️♥️

From another friend Deb: So proud of you. You know your who you are and that’s the friend I got to know and always be there to support you. 😉

From one of my old bosses: I don't understand transgender because i have never had to struggle with my sexuality. But i meet you at global and have always admired your courage and heart. I truly hope you become who you want to become. And i hope u don't loose and family or friends but if you do remember this "you can't loose something u never really had." If they support u and are truly your friend it shouldn't be whether your gay ,straight, boy or girl.

Even with him not understanding he stands behind me. It's amazing that people I never expected would be so supportive of my decision.

From the woman who was my step mom and always will be a part of my life: I hardly ever reply to anythjng on here but I've Always Loved you No Matter What, you have a Great Heart & Deep Soul Do You, Never Hold Back You need to Live Happy.

I never expected all the positive feedback and encouragement. It's great to feel this way and I want to continue moving forward. The name I feel like Shaun doesn't suit me like I want it too. So I have been tossing around ideas and names I like to see what sticks. Tobias definitely sticks so that's going to be the middle name. But once I come up with a name I will be sure to let everyone know. I'm taking the steps to be me. The real me!

A friend gave me the name of a place that is familiar with transgender health care but it's in Harrisburg. A little bit of a drive from where I'm at but I will have to go through them if my therapist isn't able to help. I want to get rid of my tits and I hate looking at them. They aren't me. That alone sucks that I'm dealing with it. It's the thing that doesn't make me feel like a man. Their too big!

As I farther explore I will be sure to update. I know it's going to take a lot of time to do this but I just want to be able to be me.