i wish i just slept. // minchan

[3]

↬Minho (:)

↬Chan (;)

:hey

; ...hey, what's up?

:are you busy?

;nope, I wouldn't answer if I were- but it's you...

:it..it's been a while..

;right, it's been so long

:then... can we have a talk...

;sure

: ...

;hello?

: do you have regrets?

; don't we always have regrets?

:I mean, meeting me, getting to know me, and...

;I don't

: are you sure?

;yeah, why'd you ask?

:because I do.

;hm? What is it?

:I regret loving you.

;why-

:I regret knowing you.

;...

:I regret everything.

;may I know why?

:do you really need an explanation?

;well, I wouldn't ask if...

:do you still remember when we first talked?

;yeah, it was a-

:it was around this time. I was also awake when I should've been asleep. It was a night where I was at my weakest, just like now.

;right, why are you still-

:you know how there are days where you just feel so stressed out and everything feels like falling apart, you are so drained emotionally and could not function mentally that makes you tired physically, it feels like you're just the only one trying hard to hold on to survive.

;...

:sleeping is my only remedy from that situation. But I couldn't sleep. I wanted to call someone, but there was no one. There was no one to call. So, I tried finding one from my friends list on social media, and you were the only one that's still active. You seemed intimidating, probably because I haven't talked to you once before, but I instantly called you without too much thoughts. And the first words you said after greeting, you thanked me for calling you, you thanked me for having the courage to call someone, that made me sob even more. But I wish I just slept.

;why?

:I wish I just slept so I wouldn't have the chance to know you. I would not have called you. I wouldn't be suffering by now. I wouldn't be hurt.

;but I told you it was for you, too.

:I know, I get that, I appreciate and understand your point, but is leaving me that necessary?

; ...I thought

: you thought?

; I thought leaving you would be the best choice. You know I said, you would have become a successful person if it weren't for me, I only caused you pain and hardships, I know I might have comforted you, but I still felt the need to go because I don't think I am good enough for you. You're too good for me.

:but what?

;but I was wrong. You see, the day I said that, I was also at my weakest. I felt so worthless, I felt like I don't deserve you nor anything good that came to me, so instead of becoming better to at least reciprocate all of it, I decided to take it all away from me. So yeah, I do have regrets too. I wish I just slept that night. I wouldn't have called you and suddenly break up with you. We would have been together until now. But who knows? Something might come that would really tear us apart.

:still...

;why do you think we regret our decisions?

:because... we could've done better.

;right. We always seek for the better, that's why we always regret our decisions, so why do we have to think before deciding when we'll just regret it later either way?

: ...

;to choose the option that we'd regret less, something that would at least satisfy us even if we regret it, something that resulted more positively.

:so why are you telling me that now?

;we were both not mentally and emotionally okay when we made our decisions that we regret the most. And I know you're trying, but let's not dwell on it too much. It couldn't be helped, it cannot be undone. So please, don't blame yourself for doing something you only did because it was the best choice you thought of. I know, I too kept on blaming myself, and it's a good thing we talked it out. Again, thank you for having the courage to call me. It's getting late, you must rest. Rest well, you'll get better like heaven has done something.

:I guess. Thank you, too. Thank you for always being with me when I needed you most. Thank you for always listening.

[call ended]

↬Minho

Why did I say that? I wish I just slept.

- end -