Through the Light and Dark (Saudade Series #1)

Kabanata 13

I'll mark this day as one of my greatest downfalls. I didn't know how will I stand up again without falling on the ground. Para akong puno na tinanggalan ng mga sanga—kaya kong manatili sa pagkakatayo ngunit hindi na ito magiging tulad ng dati. At isa ang tatay ko sa naging sanga sa aking buhay.

And starting that day, the moon hid behind the clouds, not wanting to be seen by the crowd; the darkness was pitch black that it blurred my screams of hope which led to echoes. And as I shivered at the thought that I was blinded when I couldn't see the light of the day and night anymore, I accepted the fact that I was left in the dark... Alone.

Due to tired mentally, physically, and emotionally, I fell asleep. Even when I woke up from sleep, I still feel drained.

Mentally tired, I am on the verge of giving up, too. Physically tired, I didn't want to get away from my bed. Emotionally tired, I just wanted to stay here forever.

I checked my phone. Kaagad ko itong pinower off nang makita ang mga missed call at text galing kay Von.

I am not at the state of talking to anyone right now. Hindi ko kailangan ng mga salitang makapagpapagaan ng loob ko ngayon, ang gusto ko lang ay alamin kung bakit... At kung paano niya nakayanang lisanin kaming pamilya niya?

I couldn't just point my finger at him and blame that he has ended his own life. Wala ako sa posisyon niya para alamin kung gaano kasakit ang pinagdaraanan niya.

Our parents don't want us to see them cry... or suffer as well. They know that it weakens us once we see them hurting.

May mga tao na mas pipiliin ang kimkimin ang nararamdaman kaysa sabihin ang sakit na nadarama. Ngunit hindi lahat. Dahil sa kagustuhan ng iba na itago iyon, umaabot sa punto na sasaktan nila ang sarili nila, o ang mas matindi ay lilisanin ang kanilang sariling buhay.

As I sat on my bed, I began to cry again. I poured all my feelings and tears into my pillow.

They say morning means a new beginning but it seemed that I had lost my will to live... To continue this life.

Tila may bumubulong sa akin na hindi ito ang solusyon-na maaayos pa ang problema. Mababalik ba ang nawalang buhay? Hindi. Pero dadagdag lang ako sa problema kung gagawin ko ang binabalak ko.

I woke up with a sticky note on my drawer. The penmanship indicates that it was from my mom.

Nak, As soon as you wake up, bumaba ka na kaagad.

-Mommy

Hindi na ako naligo at kaagad nang nagbihis. Miski ang pagligo ay kinatatamaran ko na rin.

Gulat ako nang makababa ako. My dad's coffin was already there. There was a long brown carpet beneath it. I couldn't even count the funeral's flowers that were obviously from his business partners and friends. On every flower that had sash, there was a, 'From: Mayor' at 'From: Ex Governor' written above of it.

Ngunit sa tingin ko naman ay dahil sa kilala ang aming apelyido sa ibang bansa sa Asya, hindi na ako magtataka kung bakit pati ang mga 'yon ay nasali pa.

Lumabas si Mommy mula sa kusina na naghahalo ng kape patungo sa kinaroroonan ng mga kapatid ko. They were just sitting pretty.

Kuya Dahril was just staring blankly at the floor while his arms were crossed. Kuya JC was just playing with his lips as he spun his phone with his fingers. Ate Jamilla was leaning at Kuya Dahril's shoulder, asleep.

Tumikhim ako kaya naman nakuha ko ang atensyon ng mga iilang tao sa sala. Our living are was too wide kaya naman maayos din na rito ang burol lalo na at kailangan ng privacy sa pagkamatay ni Daddy.