Ppp_060699

Dam roller coaster

(note: the timeline is inconsistent and some drama is exaggerated to make "reader" feel emotionally f up)

Thanks for coming into my life.
We were classmates of 3 years, but somehow we didn't know that either of us exist in each other's eyes. I guess we're just lost souls wandering around the college before we realized we graduated our degree. But I noticed you at the end of year 3 when you talked to a guy I had interest in because you two were in the same team for some project competition representing our school. I looked at you from across the room. You didn't notice me even when I was staring at you directly. People were in a rush to leave the classroom as usual. You wore your afternoon class uniforms, white long-sleeve semi shirt and a dark blue knee-length skirt together with your Adidas trainers. You looked casual with that nerdy-kid glasses on you and your semi-long black hair tied back neatly in a ponytail. Your facial feature looked serious, owing to the topic you two were discussing or just your face I didn't know. That moment, I realized I was not looking at the guy like I usually did. That time, I was focusing on you, a girl looking way too serious and I wondered how come I had never seen you before in the class? And I thought to myself, "well this girl is smart. She poses herself as someone confident, a bit too confident but not that I have something against it. After all, she probably has all the damn reasons to be one." I thought you were a cool person with intelligence. I would say an attractive nerdy kid. That was my very first impression of you. After that moment on, I hadn't given you another thoughts for so long.
Up until the day we had the same schedule for our group discussion planning to land our first job in the corporate world after we finished our study. I remembered you sitting opposite me in that room. I remember no one else in the room till today. You, once again, caught my interest. I listened when you voiced out loud your ideas. You talked fast. Unclear pronunciation on most words but that was just me slow-motioning every words you said. You were looking straight at me. I reckoned you were just looking at me because I was sitting across you, or I am just overthinking right now? But somehow I would like to think that you were fond of me or seeking my approval for your ideas. When the discussion ended, we went outside with the intention to go back to where we left off before we entered the room. You were walking out looking to the ground when I made an attempt to talk to you. Trust me when I said I rarely speak to anyone first. I made a small talk asking you why you applied to the company and what made you not apply to the company that you were representing in your business project competition. You were perplexed by my sudden questions and conversation. You looked at me weird but you answered anyways. I got your name right on that day and when you said out your name in the discussion room, I thought to myself "why is she not confident in calling out her own name". I still am thinking that you're not as I'm typing this.
Later after you left, I determined that I didn't really like you. You were that cool in character that I didn't have doubt, but I didn't see why I need to befriend you if you didn't show you were interested. That day, I just let it slide and never attempted any other conversation with you.
Fast forward, we both got offers to work at the company. As the requirement of company policy, we were required to have 2 weeks of training sitting together in a room separating into small groups. We were grouped together.
You told me later on that you were relieved when you see my name on the group list saying at least there were me to talk to or discuss with. I didn't care much at the time. I am not going to lie that I did enjoy being in the same group with you in that week. We were agreeing on things, discussing and all. You were smart in most of the things. I literally felt dumb at some points working with you there. You once said something about the recent political news in the West. I was once again impressed by your knowledge. You knew your information about the world. I admired you again and again.
Then came our times rehearsing together to give a dance performance during our company annual trip in SR. We both sucked at it but I was a tiny bit better than you, that I am not ashamed to say. You were shy. You wanted to learn how to but you never approached me. I didn't know why. Maybe you got skittish around me? Or you thought I was not good at it either so why bother. I thought a lot and cared a lot, but I wouldn't let it show. On the day of our performance, we rushed through our dance taking the stage you and me side by side selling our ego on that said stage. We would look at each other from time to time, we knew what the eye contact meant. That time, we both agreed that we did not enjoy the performance one bit.