Sacred Madness

XXIX. Guilt

Mark was already imagining him and Gun waking up in the morning, drinking coffee together, making breakfast, and cuddling all day. He just realized that simple things in life that he used to take for granted like cooking dinner was something that can actually give you so much comfort and satisfaction. It made him want to be with Gun and to live with Gun all the more.

"Oh Gun, you really do look like him," the old lady muttered all of a sudden after seeing Gun in a very close proximity when the latter wiped her sweat off her forehead. She was avoiding this topic ever since they got here because she doesn't want to talk about painful things but it accidentally slipped out of her mouth.
She knew Gun was still hurting and it was unfortunate that she couldn't even be there to see her daughter for the last time. She was very old and she couldn't handle the five hour drive so all she could do was to weep and pray for her soul.

Gun was a bit taken a back but he just smiled at her awkwardly. He was a bit confused because Gun doesn't know which one she is referring to, his real dad or his stepfather.

Suddenly, the woman held his hand and he stared at him with a painful expression. "Y..you know your dad right? Ada told you before she left, right?"

Gun just stared at her, his bright expression changing into a solemn one. Mark's attention shifted from stirring the pot to the old lady. He took out the laddle and closed the lid before walking closer to them with so much curiousity.

"Oh God if she didnt....."

"She did, she told me," Gun interjected because his grandma looked like she was very hurt and disappointed.

"I know what you went through when you were a child. I used to live with you remember?"

Gun nodded as he swallowed a lump that was forming in his throat.

"I know your mom treated you unfairly, and as your grandmother, I am absolutely ashamed of tolerating it."

"No you didn't, I might not remember everything since you were only with us for a couple of years but I know that you didn't do anything bad, you loved me, I felt it."

"Yeah, you're right. I loved you. But I didn't do anything about Ada and that's my mistake," the old lady paused, her eyes are starting to water. "But I just want you to know that I did that because I didn't want to break her even more. That's why I kept quiet. I didn't want to add to her suffering. I know that's still inexcusable but I thought I'd let you know. Your mom was deeply broken hearted by your father, her first love, and probably her last. I don't even know what relationship she had with your stepdad but I know that she still couldn't get over him." The woman walked towards a chair, sat there and shook her head in regret as she continued her monologue. "Your mom and dad had known each other since they were young. They both served the local church. Your mom got into the choir and your dad was an altar boy. They would always be together, they were inseparable, but your mom loved him a little bit too much. I knew it since they entered high school and she would always say that they would end up together. She believed that they were meant to be but then your dad suddenly wanted to become a priest. Your mom was dejected, she couldn't believe why he would do that. But soon she accepted the fact, I mean who is she to go against God? How can she win against God, right? So in the end, your mom decided to become a nun. Whatever it takes to be with the man she loved, that's how devoted and deeply in love she was. But one night, she saw him visiting the convent and they made eye contact, and there was still a spark, they still have the same effect towards each other... I know this because she told me. Only if you could see how her eyes sparkled the moment she was telling me about this meeting, you'll know that she's still so in love. But that night, he sneaked to see her and she was so happy with that. And he dragged her at the back of the altar, and into the confessional as he took the wine and made her drink. She did, and he did too. They both drank the wine and he started touching at places where he's not supposed to touch. And they did it, right there and then," the old lady had to stop taking into consideration Gun's feelings. But she knew he needed to know. He needs to knew everything about how he came into this earth, not unwanted like what his mom made him believe, but with so much love and passion.

Mark put his arms around Gun's back which automatically made the older boy lean towards him. It was now like Gun's instinct to steer towards Mark because he felt like he could melt away all his troubles with just a single touch.

With Gun nodding his head to signify that he was okay, the old lady continued her story. "It was not a one night affair. Both Ada and your dad continued seeing each other for over a month. And soon she found out that she was pregnant, and suddenly, a news of your father leaving the church made her more hopeful. Thats when she decided to leave the church to go with your dad. When she left the monastery, she told me about everything. She told me about the sins that they have committed but it seems like she had made up her mind. She didnt regret anything, most especially not the child that she was bearing for you were made out of pure love and adoration. She loved you, and she cherished you my dear grandson and I know its kinda late but you should know that."

Gun couldn't help but to let his tears flow freely. He couldn't hold it back anymore. Never did he thought that he could hear such beautiful words coming from her mother. It was surreal but its still as much agonizing as it was comforting and Gun has never felt this conflicted. Right now, the only thing that kept him from breaking down was Mark's comforting embrace and the little reassuring words he kept uttering everytime Gun trembled in his touch.

The old woman was also crying because after all, it was against all laws of nature that a mother should bury her child. But her tears were still all irrelevant to a son who was refused to be given the right to be loved. And so all she could to was to continue telling her story and hope that this confession will finally make Gun realize that he was not a mistake just like how his mother made him believe.

"She was so hopeful to finally be able to be with the man she so dearly loved." The old lady started once again. "But he betrayed her. In the end, he actually went to marry someone with so much money. And I don't know what his reasons are but whatever it is, its still not enough to make my precious daughter, Ada and you my dear Gun, to suffer such tragedy. I'm so sorry dear that you've become victims of such madness and I just stood there to watch. I was such a coward back then. I turned my back and left because I thought by doing that I was protecting Ada, but it turns out I only hurt you. I'm not here to make excuses for what your mom had made you go through but please forgive her. I hope you'll find peace in your heart."

Gun stood up and shook his head with a waterfall like tears running down his cheeks. He walked towards his grandmother and knelt in front of her. "I didnt hate her, never did. She gave me life and that was enough. I was blaming myself for a long time but now you made me forgive myself, love myself a little bit more. Thank you for letting me know that I was loved. I'll continue living my life knowing that I was loved."

The old lady pulled Gun into a tight hug as her tears were subsiding and her cry of repentance was starting to turn into a sigh of consolation.

Gun suddenly broke away from her embrace and turned towards Mark with the brightest sweetest smile plastered on his face. "Mark, my mother loved me. I am loved."