Alone... why am I alone? Is it because I won't let anyone in? Does no one even care to look past the cold surface into the darkness underneath the ice; To the soul trapped within? All anyone sees is what they want. I feel disposable. Am I only good enough for awhile? When I'm no longer needed or entertaining will I be discarded? I don't want that! So maybe I won't let people in. That way when they inevitably throw me away I won't be completely destroyed. I'll close myself into my darkness deep within; that comforting darkness that cradles me in solitude. I hurt in secret, no one knowing my plight but my own mind and heart. "Its none of their business" I think to myself, as if I'm not living in a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies. Because I want to love, I like to think I try, but ultimately that fear shuts them out. It keeps me from gathering them close. Why? Why? WHY? WHY? Why can't I open that door; let that light in to bask in its glow? Why must I wallow in the shadows of my soul. Why can't people see the inner self I've locked away screaming out for help, screaming out in fear of being alone, screaming out for some one to love them. Why does this irrationality turn me into a puppet, forever acting out the scenes demanded of me. How I wish sometimes I were as strong as I was perceived. Maybe then I wouldn't actually care about the thoughts of those around me. This darkness threatens me. It's so comforting, I just want to let myself sink into that quiet solitude... even as it drives me insane, depriving me of my senses. How horrifying to be kept alone... kept captive in its bittersweet contradictions.
