until i'm nothing

guess i'm alone in this one

Pressing his forehead against the window, he sighed. Talking to Tyler had reminded him that he wasn't only leaving his mother behind, he was also leaving his siblings, who would have to deal with their mother's bullshit without Josh. They were all still young, but there was no chance they'd forget about Josh. At least, he hoped not. His siblings had given him shards of happiness when everything else was falling apart, and this was how he repaid them? By leaving once he'd finally gotten fed up with his mom and her stupid boyfriend? Once his patience wore too thin? What if something happened, would Josh even know? His mom had his number, but would she want to contact him, even if tragedy struck? Would Josh live his life without seeing any of them again?

And just like that, Josh felt himself spinning out of control again. The full reality of his situation hit him like a train.

He was running away from home.

He couldn't stand the thought of going back, but he couldn't stand the thought of ending up somewhere else, somewhere new, with only himself as company. He couldn't stand the idea of working alone and trying to fit in all over again, and never having a real home, or someone he could trust, or a family--

"Josh?"

If it wasn't for the seatbelt, Josh would've jumped sky-high. As it was, it was more of a flinch. He'd forgotten someone else was in the car. Tyler's concerned eyes were flicking from Josh to the road, and back to Josh. "Hey, you okay?"

Josh suddenly became aware of his heavy breathing and the shaking of his hands. He swallowed, trying to blink away the dizziness. "Yeah, I'm-- I'm fine, sorry, I just--"

"Hey." Tyler said, in a low voice. His hand was resting halfway towards Josh, like he couldn't decide if he should touch him or not. "Don't be sorry." He drew his hand back, resting his elbow on the middle console, eyes still flashing between the road in front of them and Josh. "Just take a deep breath for me, okay?"

Josh did, and his chest was so tight he felt it would burst at any moment. He needed to get out, to run, or just to feel the cold air on his skin--

"Here, let's play a game," Tyler said, and his words sounded blurry. Josh closed his eyes. What was he talking about, a game? Right now?

"How many road signs can you see right now?"

Josh glanced helplessly at Tyler, clenching his hands together, fingernails digging into skin. "I-- I don't--"

"Look around. How many?"

Josh looked. "Um, three?"

"How many trees can you see?"

Confused, Josh swallowed and looked out the window at the vast expanse of flat land. "Like, twenty?"

"Lean forward. How many stars?"

Josh leaned forward, his hands shaking against the dashboard. It was hard to see stars through the windshield, but his eyes adjusted a little and he could make out a few. "Seven."

"How many buttons on the dashboard?"

Josh counted. "Sixteen."

"How many other vehicles?"

"Two," Josh said, unclenching his fists to point at the semi trucks going the opposite way on the other side of the highway.

"How many other people?"

"Uh, one, but--" Josh looked at Tyler, whose eyes were now glued to the road, his face impassive, and Josh realized he could breathe again.

Josh swallowed, taking a moment to reorient himself. It was easy to breathe now, and his chest didn't feel so tight anymore. His skin wasn't crawling. He wasn't feeling the need to run anymore. His hands were still shaking, though. He sat on them. His car window was cracked-- Tyler must've done that, with the driver's controls, but Josh hadn't noticed. The cold air felt refreshing.

Finally, Josh looked back at Tyler. "You just... how did you..."

Tyler took a swig of his Red Bull. "I have experience," he said shortly.

Normally, a panic attack like that would've lasted at least a half hour for Josh, probably longer. But Tyler, a kid Josh had known for less than four hours, had managed to cut it off before it lasted even ten minutes.

Embarrassment hit Josh like a truck. "Thanks," he mumbled.

Tyler just smiled at him. "There's water in the back if you want," he offered, and Josh unbuckled, climbing into the backseat and reaching into the trunk to grab a bottle from the case of water. He returned to the passenger seat and rolled up his window. He hadn't had a panic attack in a few months, and he forgot how they take everything out of you. If he was tired before, he was exhausted now.

Lucky for him, Tyler seemed to know this fact about panic attacks too, because he said, "You can sleep. I'll wake you if anything exciting happens." They grinned at each other stupidly. They're driving on an empty highway in the middle of the night, Josh doubted anything exciting would happen.

Taking up Tyler's offer, he grabbed his backpack from the backseat and propped it under his head as a pillow, leaning against the car door and letting his eyes close easily, a strange, new trust filling him, a kind he'd never experienced before.

~~~~~~~

A/N: I hate writing stuff like this. It always feels too invasive but the plot kind of needs it. Also I just now realized how heavily inspired this is from that one panic attack scene in Lividity. so if you've read that... yeah just go read that it's really good.

I'm so sorry this is garbage it gets better i promise maybe 

Feel free to comment any thoughts or suggestions <3