just as good

Tuesday

3:03 a.m.

If I could hike alone, I would.

At least it's just Zoe. Quiet and unassuming presence. Good to talk to, mostly because there's nothing to argue over. I speak, she nods, we move.

The forest is somewhere I could disappear. Walking is easy. Left to my own devices, I would walk for a very long time -- until something stopped me. In my mind, that something is either too big or too small for me to understand.

Yes, walking is easy. Running is invigorating, but rationally not sustainable, and of course staying in one place is unacceptable. Walking will take me furthest over a pleasantly paced and peaceful span of time. While I walk, wherever I find myself will be viewed in light of my journey.

Wonder and curiosity and unyielding appreciation

Wanting and plotting and relentless fantasies

Cousin emotions. It's hard to weed them out. Thoughts grow and fall and decompose to fertilize my uncharted forest. No one has visited today.

The sunflowers in the garden bloomed until they didn't, and now they are going to seed. They bloomed first in the night. In the morning I was overjoyed. "Look at what has sprouted", not "look at what I've grown", because if it was waiting on me it would have waited until morning.

Suddenly I was struck with such sonder. Throughout the days, out of my kind sight, the flowers continued to bloom for no one. Quiet and unassuming. The thought was beautifully unbearable.