Moments. Midnight. Meetings.

Tila

For a minute, my body stopped recognizing reality. The moment I opened my eyes, I was floating. I did not know if I slept at all, or was I dreaming? I saw darkness, but I felt unbearable lightness, spirit soaring the unknown realm. I felt free, but I also felt an extreme nothingness.

Then like a dissipating steam, the moments became heavy, and I was held back to my bed, finally realizing that one cannot achieve that freedom forever. I am seized by the truth, by the physicality of the world. I should be awake, finally be fully aware, that whatever ties me is real.

Fuck.
I hate Mondays.
I hate this reality.

I looked at my clock; it is high noon. Good thing that I am on leave today. But still, Monday is my spiting day. A perfect venue to rant about my hate with my work, my perfectionist tendencies, and my ghosting episodes.

Hay naku. Huli na yung lalakeng yun. Huli na siya. Final tryst, final fling. Also, I am unable to manage such eccentricity. "Ang kalungkutan ang nakakapagdala ng saya"? What? HELL NO. So pathetic for our age. We should be driven and energetic, go-getters in this generation. Tsk, if it's not because of this Client who wanted to secure his designs, hindi ko naman papatulan yun eh.

Putanginang buhay ito. Kailan ko ba ititigil ang ganitong galawan? Each and every liaison kind of hurts too, you know? I am no robot who just go through this life, philandering men. In each encounter, I get broken a little more inside.

I really hate Mondays and I realize, I hate you more. 

Alex San Agustin. 

-----

I feel like a zombie braving this Firm every day. I think walang ibang nakakapagpa-excite ng buhay ko at this point. I get up, get myself a caffeine dosage, and do my fucking job perfectly. I guess being a newly-promoted Senior Advertising Account Manager gives me a little bit of high. But this isn't enough. This is not what I had in mind, a stark contrast with Lis and her immediate decision to resign, because she wanted to pursue her passion. Also with Jess, she maybe having a hard time squeezing all medschool requirements but she still copes, winging both beauty and brains! Geniuses, both of them.

What is my passion? Isn't this what I had in mind when we were in MaSay? Wing the advertising course in Benilde, then wing entry in this firm. After three to five years, I should wing the Senior position.

And. I. JUST. FUCKING. DID.

Am I becoming a robot that I learned to slowly hate? Nagpapalamon na lamang ba ako sa sistema? My life seems to be exhausting. The work erodes this youthful endeavor. No more of the visionary me in my MaSay days. Not even an inch of gusto in every output I am tasked to create. I want to have that drive again. Like a real passion. Like those two.

Hmmm, Z. Look at yourself.
Okay I am paying attention to you now, I am looking at you in the eye, see? Mirror to mirror.
Ask yourself: does Z need a man right now?
Uhh, Perhaps? But not him. I just let him go.
Also, I let myself accept the truth: we are not meant to be together. And, if there is a guy who will date me, I prefer a happier one. More chill and lesser stress. Someone who is responsible enough to take care of me. Pagod na akong mag-alaga. Pagod na akong magligtas.

WHY AM I TALKING TO MYSELF USING MY MIRROR? Is this because I am getting old? I think I have an existential crisis. Gusto ko na lang pumarty. After all, it has been A WHILE since I last saw those two. Heh, pwede ko palang asarin si Jess, punta kami sa bar niya sa Maginhawa. At aawayin ko si Los kapag hindi sumama. Kaka-Laco nya yun!

-----

"Wing the advertising course in Benilde, then wing entry in this firm. After three to five years, I should wing the Senior position."
And this is year four. Time-check!