Lethal Beauties

The New Girls

*Liv*

It'd had been 2 months since Ms. Jane has called off my supervision order. That was a relief. They all thought that they were finally controlling me and whatever, but that was not even the case. At first, they would give me this medication that's supposed to work for those with IED, but all that drug did was make me so tired that I couldn't even stay awake properly. Well, I don't think any of them had a problem with what it did to me as long as they didn't have extra work to do to deal with me. So, I stopped taking them under a rule that I would behave and not cause trouble, which seemed much better an option than trying to stay awake throughout the day. Jordan even came up with this idea where we would play a game describing a picture and we would each draw what we thought that picture would look like. Like one time, she suggested we draw what we thought a perfect home would look like. That by far had been the most challenging thing either of us has suggested to drawing. While she was scribbling away with the crayons through her imaginations, I was completely stuck. 

Thinking about what a home would look like to me was such a bizarre topic, as I never even thought adoption as a possibility for me. I just thought I'd be stuck here till I could legally leave. When Jordan looked up and saw that I haven't drawn anything, she asked, "Why have you not started drawing Livie?" 

I replied, "I don't know what a home would look like. I don't think I will ever know."

She looked at me with sadness in her expression when she said, "Don't ever think about that, we will have a home one-day together and we will be happy." 

"Do you really believe that? That we are not going to be stuck here forever?"

Jordan smiled while reaching out and holding my hands, "Yes I do believe that and you should too."

I admired my sister's strength through all these years we've been here and still be that hopeful about our future. If only I could be that hopeful and optimistic. There is so much that I couldn't bring myself to tell her about what would happen to me to not see that hurt look on her face knowing there would be nothing she could do about it. I did want to think about a future where I would be happy, a future where we had people to care for us and accept us as who we were; but that seemed too unrealistic in my point of view. Even though it's been a couple of months since the last time I was "disciplined," I still had the scars on my body and cuts from where the whips would cut into my skin from how hard I was being hit. They wouldn't hurt as much as they did before, but sometimes when I'd be in the bath, the warm water would sting a little and every time I could hear Ms. Brenda's voice echoing in my subconscious. 

"If I had a child who was like you, I'd abandon them too." She'd say while chuckling. 

"With your record, no sane person would ever adopt you. You're a lost cause kid."

"How does it feel to know that no one cares about you." 

"How do those marks feel...Olivia...?", She would say, stretching out my name to roll off her tongue disgustingly. 

She would taunt me all the time to get me to break or lose it even after everything, but I already knew what consequences were held for me if I was tempted by that bitch's words. She would torment and laugh while degrading me as much as she could without anyone scolding her. I had to not let those words get to me and I would just be quiet when she would talk to me. The reason why I had been quiet and didn't revolt was due to the fact that I believed her words. Even if it was shameful, I also thought of myself as the same. Hopeless with nothing to look forward to, but I had to pretend, at least for Jordan's sake. 

This morning, after a session with Ms. Jane, talking about my progress and how well I've been doing; she suggested I try to go to the playroom after breakfast in my room to play or try to socialize. I was shocked her out of all people suggested I go try to play with the other kids I didn't even like here. After months of keeping to myself and being in my room with Jordan, that would definitely be a struggle. I'd even forgotten what it would feel like running around outside and playing with the dolls, so it would a whole new concept to relearn. After telling Jordan, she thought it was a great idea and I could tell she was excited because now she wouldn't have to be stuck in our room with me all day anymore and could play around like an actual kid. So for her wellbeing, I decided to go with it and she would tell me where we would go and what we would do so no issues would arise. I knew what that meant...so I wouldn't lose it all over again. For safety measures, they made sure that were some teachers around in the room just in case something did happen and that they are the male teachers because the female ones were sick of me and I think a bit scared too. I laughed to myself at that thought. When we arrived at the playroom, it looked the same as I last imagined, but different at the same time. Jordan took my hand and took us to the back right corner of the room where the library is. None of the kids really went near the library so it was kind of a perfect place for us to be around but still far from the others. Jordan went and grabbed some toys that were on the floors and came back. I looked at them and didn't feel an urge to play with the dolls, so I started looking around in the library for something interesting.