the willow by the river

Chapter 3

I'm sitting in my bed at home. It's 2 am, and I should go to bed. But I'm still sitting here, scrolling through my phone and watching the minutes pass by. I don't want to be here, I want to sit by the river, drawing and listening to quiet music. Maybe there will be a new note?

I look around. One of my walls is painted bright pink, a birthday surprise from my parents a few years ago. I hated it even then. There is clothes all over my floor, and my desk is a mess. I haven't cleaned my room in weeks, and It hasn't felt like mine for years. It feels like it belongs to someone else, the person I was, or pretend to be. There's still dresses in my closet, high heels on the floor, and makeup on the desk. And pictures of my past that makes me want to cry. I remember most of them, the restricting dresses and the overdone hair. I felt stupid.

The person in the pictures doesn't feel like me. There's this weird disconnection, like at some point they stopped being a part of me.

I check my messages. There's a few. From people that don't know my past, only see me as who I am now. It's weird, but also comforting. These are the people I'd like to spend my lonely nights with. The people I go to with my problems, the people who know me. My phone Is like a separate world, where I don't have to worry about if I'm flat enough, or if my hips look too broad.

It's a world I'd like to spend every minute of every day in. But I can't. I can only try to turn it into reality.

I've been thinking about note boy a lot these past days. Note boy? Or note girl? Or note person? I haven't been able to escape to the willow since I left last Saturday, so I don't know If there's another note waiting for me. I hope so.

I haven't felt this type of excitement for months, and I don't even know if there's anything to be excited for.

.

.

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I end up falling asleep around 4 am against my bed with my phone in my lap and loud music in my headphones. 

authors note: i know this one is bad bear with me. also sorry for not updating, I'm not feeling that great right now.