Consequences

🐢Two🐢

The world is filled to the brim with homophobia which is shit when you're gay. I can't remember the last time I wasn't called a buttmunch in public.

School went as normal. No interruptions from Mason Thrombey.
As soon as I got home I started on the homework. It was quite easy because if I don't get all A's my mother will verbally abuse the hell out of me.

Dinner at my house is always the worst. My mom, my sister, and I sit in three out of the four chairs. It's always silent, no phone, no small talk or chitchat. Just silence.

After dinner, I get in my car and text him that I finished it and that I'm coming over. I love driving. It gives me a sense of freedom from my mother and an escape from reality.

Soon enough I arrive at 281 Chestnut Street. My joyride of freedom is over. I knock on his door, he opens it.
"Hey," I say.
"Shut up and come in."
"Ok."
We walk upstairs to his room. Which I might add is very clean for a football player. He closes the door behind us and he asked,
"So you have it?"
"Yeah."
"Good."
I turn to him to give him the papers, I hand them over.
"Thanks." He said.
We look up at each other. His eyes stare into mine. He presses his lips against mine, ever so slightly deepening the kiss but pulls away soon after it starts.
"Why the fuck did I just do that? I'm not gay? Am I?"
I grab him by the waist and pull him closer to me. I started another kiss.
He disconnects our lips,
"You have to leave,"
"Why?"
"Go."
"Why?"
"I said GO!" He pushed me away. So I ran. Out of his bedroom, down the stairs, out the front door, to my car.

If that's what love feels like, I don't wanna feel it again. The feeling that you're trusting someone but as soon as they think somethings wrong they push you away.

That's the feeling I never want to experience again. But that's just the consequences of loving. The consequences of caring for someone. The consequences of feeling lonely to where people leave you on the outskirts. The consequences of putting all your hopes into one thing but having them murdered. The consequences of being me. Benjamin fucking Quinn.

So that's why I did it. For my whole life being an absolute shit show. For being the one person in this whole damned world who wanted someone who cared.

I know deep down no one cares about me, or my ideas, or my future, or my feelings, or really anything about me.

So my little sister if you're reading this, I love you.
Mom if your reading this, fuck off.
Dad if your reading this, fuck off.
Mason if your reading this, fuck off.
To anyone reading this,
Fuck off.

Love, Benjamin Elliott Quinn

P.S. You're probably gonna have to get a new bathtub.